Relationship Problem

[Monsta]

I'll start from the beginning. I have known my girlfriend for a long time, but she was my friends girlfriend before mine so we became good friends first. We hooked up and became very serious fast. We have talked about marriage etc and our feelings about eachother are mutual. She recently came out of nowhere and said that we need to take a break and just be friends until she gets her life straightened out, then we can pick back up. She tells me all the time that she "doesn't deserve me" because of things she has done in the past, and that I should find a nicer girl. Now I am crazy about this girl. There is nothing I want more than to spend the rest of my life with her, and I can wait for her, but what is really going on here? She tells me that she needs to prove to herself that she can be independent and on her own and worthy before she will be with me. I think one of the major problems is her parents. They are straight up Mormons she knows they will be disappointed if she is with me (not Mormon). She does most things that the Mormons preach against but hides everything from her parents because she is scared it will hurt them. Her parents also control her. She is an adult and living on her own and they regularly check to make sure I am not at her place, or that she isnt doing things that she shouldnt be doing. It is killing our relationship. I just want to sit with her parents and talk to them rationaly but my girlfriend wont let me. What should I do?

[ticklebug]

monsta

 

YOU can't do anything...except tell your GF to make a choice, her parents mormon desires or you.

 

You having a conversation with her parents will do more harm than good. They don't live life according to this century...

 

There is no point in eing strung along...I know you said you'd wait...but for exactly how long? You can't possibly mean forever...

 

you need to give her a reasonable amount of time to stand u to her parents...if she can't or won't...you really should find a reltaionship that is going to be more fulfilling.

[Monsta]

Thanks for the reply. Thats the advise I would have given myself too, but I needed to hear it from someone else. It will be hard if I ever have to tell her to choose. How long should I give her?

[ticklebug]

30 days...MAX...any longer it pulls at your emotions...and she needs at least two weeks to even start to build up the guts...

 

 

so you give her a 30 day period...in two weeks remind her she has two weeks left...

[nanomyte]

Monsta, I am in a similar situation except that I married the woman, and her family is insanely Baptist (my wife's mother performed an exorcism on my wife's sister for listening to rock and roll music during her HS years -- check out my recent post if you want more of my situational details since I don't want to flood your string with details about me). My wife still hides things from her parents, and, being an honest person myself, I am increasingly having a problem with that. Having a family that you have to remember what they should and shouldn't be told is rather stressful to deal with when they call frequently.

 

Your gf should be the one to confront her parents, not you. If you jump the gun she may start relying on you to solve her problems for her.

 

I say as long as you see steady progress towards her goal, then stay with her if she means that much to you, but conversations with you don't count as progress unless they involve a specific date to complete the actual mission or specific issues that need to be discussed before confronting her parents (conversations about how she is worried don't count unless they involve specific issues and seem to involve active thought). I dealt with an ex-wife that was cheating on me for a year, and all I got from her was words. I didn't get results until I told her to start making dates, which she didn't want to do. Then I gave her dates (after dealing with zero or circular progress for roughly 6 months), and once she passed those dates without doing anything but saying words to me (and not him), I knew she didn't really care about the relationship like I did, and I asked for a divorce (I churned out the results).

 

Realistically, if someone's going to do something, they don't need long to do it. If you give her a month or three months, how much of that extra time do you think is going to be procrastination and unfocused fretting?

 

This is my advice, but my experiences may not mirror yours.