Please Help

[heloladies21]

Hi guys, you have helped me a lot through this whole situation and I need some advice. My girlfriend of 1 yr broke up with me 2 weeks ago out of the blue saying she was confused and hasn't lived life yet and she needs time to figure out what she wants and can't ask me to wait around while she figures it out. I basically listened to her whole conversation without saying much or even asking her to reconsider. i immediately went strict No Contact and she left 1 voice mail msg the next night explaining her guilt. i was a mess for a week but have been feeling a lot better lately, back to having an interest in at least talking to other women. Now on christmas eve i get a text msg saying Merry Christmas, I'm sorry, I miss you, and the last 2 weeks have been hell without you. I can stay No Contact till the end of time and if she calls I know to be cool yet busy and cut it short, but if it gets that far, how long should I play her off until I consider giving her another chance. I'm not saying this will definitely happen, I just want to be prepared if it does. Thanks people.

[emma34]

talk to her..i hate these knid of relationships that leave it so open. u guys need to work things out. No contact? or contact? Spiratic contact does not work.

[Switch187]

You do the whole NC thing until you feel it's right for her to be back in your life. There is no set time limit you can put on it, and if she is just calling to wish you a happy holiday, there is no harm in you sending the same back. If she does call you, yes you can play it short and cut the phone call off quick, but if that's not how you really feel then don't do it. Yes NC is great advice for some couples when they break up, but some couples need to keep the lines of communication open if they want anytype of reconciliation (sp?). When my g/f broke up with me, half of the people here told me to establish NC, while the other half said to talk to her once a week like we planned. At first I did the NC thing for a couple days, but when she called me and we talked, the NC didn't feel right. So I told her about seeing each other once a week to talk and keep communicating, which she was happy to do. It helped us get through the whole "confusion" (she broke up with me because she was confused and wanted to be sure that 2 years in a relationship was going to lead to something further) and helped us to get back together. It's a really hard situation to be in, especially during the holidays. Our breakup was during Thanksgiving, my B-Day, and our 2 year anniversary, so it made it really hard on both of us to try and keep the NC rule in effect. The same could be said about your ex, she is so use to that "comfort" she gets from you during the holidays, that this Christmas is really bringing her down. No need to pour salt on the wound by just giving her the cold shoulder because you want to keep the NC up, but if that's how you really feel then I guess there's nothing anyone really needs to tell you.

 

If you really want to talk to her and communicate things with her, then do it. If you don't, then keep up your NC till the end of time. Either way the choice is yours and it depends on what you really want to gain from this whole situation. If you want to give her another chance, this may be the time that she is asking for it, or she may just want to wish you a happy holiday since you two were together for a year before.

[heloladies21]

I'm not trying to use NC to be vindictive, I'm just trying to protect myself and I've also seen a lot of posts about people who get dumped, let the ex back in their life just to get dumped again the very next day. I don't want that to happen to me.

[Switch187]

I wasn't trying to say that you were using NC in a mean way, I was just trying to say that if it's not right for you, then it's not right. NC doesn't always work, and it doesn't always help couples get back together either. For some people it just pushes them further away, to the point where they want nothing to do with the ex. If that is what you want to accomplish then stick on the path your on. If you do feel that getting back together with her is something you want, and you feel that she is reaching out to you for your company, then stop the NC and see what happens. Yes it does suck when you let an ex back into your life just to be dumped again later on (when my g/f and I first started talking, we went out and had fun, but two days later we felt we were rushing and ended the relationship again for a short while) but it's something that happens to help you grow. It isn't until you really mess up and dig yourself into a huge whole, that you realize how to handle situations properly (although no matter how hard you try you may never know how to handle the oppisite sex). If you do let her back in your life, it doesn't mean your letting her back in completely. Once you accept her back into your life, you know have control over the relationship and were you want things to go. If you want to keep things slow, make sure you establish that when you start talking so she knows (I told my g/f that I wouldn't be "fully" with her until I felt that I could trust her back into my heart when we got back together over a month ago, and it wasn't until a 2 weeks ago that I felt I could trust her again). If you only let her in to you life in a very small portion, you don't really have to worry about how you would feel is she did decide that things are wrong and doesn't want to be with you.

[ocean9]

Maybe you're not ready for contact yet?

When you are ready, you'll know...you'll feel confident and less afraid of what she might do.

[eggie23]

I agree with your strategy of NC-- & the fact that she's texting you & apologizing is really good. I think the NC is clearly working.

 

I would agree, though, that now that she's expressed an interest in coming back that you should start communicating again-- but don't just immediately welcome her back. There needs to be a period where she's uncertain about where you stand--& you need to guage whether she's really serious.

 

I think your pulling away is what drew her back-- & you need to retain some distance for a time to complete the process--