does he want to be friends, or not?

[amanda22]

so my ex broke up with me for another girl like a month ago. things were weird and he said he wanted to be friends. the days went on and my pain grew stronger. i told him i couldnt be friends, it just hurt too much. he said "dont be ridiculous, we are going to be friends i know it, we go to the same school and we will see eachother and stuff" i didnt know what to do, could i be friends with him? then he made it official with the girl and now they are bf &gf. i went crazy and told him i hated him and said some pretty awful stuff. his reply was that he couldnt believe how i was acting and that he thought maybe we COULDNT be friends after all, of course i was upset. next day he sends me a message with lyrics of our song saying "im sorry, please dont hate me" so i called and said of course i dont hate you, this is just really hard. so the next day he texts me asking how i was and that he really does care about me. then the next day, today, i ask to stop by his house xmas day for like 5 min. to see him and give him his presents and he said "no i am not accepting your presents and i am going to be busy with my gf all day. and we cant just jump into a friendship, it takes time." i got upset and wondered why i couldnt just stop by, i wasnt asking him to be my best friend or spend the day with me, i just wanted to say hi and now he is like "no" after he said he wants to be friends. he knows how important it is for me to see him on xmas. why is he acting like its a big deal if i drop by? i was casual about it and he thinks its not a good idea. i told him its the holidays and not to be a jerk about this. im not expexting to see him much in january so this is important to me, especially to give him his presents i got a long time ago and cant return and cant use myself. i dont think im asking for much. why is he being difficult after he was being so nice?

[kalshane]

I keep thinking of that new Snoop Dog song. "If an ex tries messing with you, drop it like its hot, drop it like its hot..."

 

I think you guys are confusing each other!! One of you has to make a decision either way and stick with it. He's probably nervous that his rebound will give him a hard time if he accepts anything from you. Just give em to somebody who actually deserves the presents. Donate em to charity!

[amanda22]

is that what the song says, lol. well i think we both want to be friends but we dont know how to go about it. and his new gf does not care if he is in contact with me. he told me once that she said she hope she doesnt ruin our friendship (me and my ex) so it sounds like she doesnt care if he talks to me. sounds like she is not the jealous type, so that is not the issue...

[titan]

Why don't you post it, i posted my to my Ex because i know she got me something and i really couldn't care if she drops by or not.

 

I know its important, but to me it sounds like its just an excuse to see him, even though you have a legimate reason.

 

His New GF probably made a big deal about exchanging gifts with you, So just post it or if your brave enough make the trip any way.

 

Take care

[kalshane]

Naw the song doesn't say that, I was just clowning and stuff. Let me ask you, are you ready to be friends?

 

Key word: ready.

[amanda22]

titan: i cant post it cause days mean alot to me. this is my favorite day of the year and ive been waiting all month to give him the present. part of it is an excuse to see him. if i dont see him that day i feel like i will never see him and if i dont see him that day i will feel like he doesnt care about me and i will be really mad and hurt and xmas will be ruined. his new gf could care less about us talking. she said she doesnt mind us being friends. she doesnt care cause trust me, i am no threat. and i might just be crazy enough to show up anyways, but i dont know yet.

 

kalshane: haha you fooled me. i thought i did say that. and no. i am not ready to be friends but i feel this is a good step in that direction. i dont want to be friends yet, but a present exchange is not us becoming best friends, i feel its just a sign of good faith toward the future.

[asmodai]

Amanda, It sounds like you are still caught up in a viscious cycle. There is not a person on this earth who would agree that its easier to move on if you maintain personal contact with an ex, at least not at the stage of breakup where you seem to be. Dont keep putting yourself through this, you're worth much more than that. Take the high road this time, and see where it leads you - you MUST have time away from this guy. I'm sure its hard but you will be much better for it in the long run.

 

If you really feel you can't have no contact for a while, at least try some sort of barrier- perhaps just have phone/email contact and leave it at that. Use this time of the year to feel good about yourself- with family and friends (but NOT him). Distract yourself as best you can and do the things you enjoy doing.

[amanda22]

asmodai: i totally want to do the nc thing or at least limit my contact, but i wanted to see him on xmas and have that as a conclusion. its a special day to me and at the end of the year. i dont want to drag this into the new year, but i need to see him for closure, he is being so stubborn and i feel like i am starting to get desperate...i really need to do this.

[GymSweetie]

Hi Amanda,

 

Well, how was your Christmas? I hope you did the right thing. My ex broke up with me 5 mos ago. Said he wanted to remain friends & still cared for me alot..he still does. I have gone thru the stages of loss and grief.

 

I experienced the initial shock, disbelief & denial...Then there was the longing to be w/him. The incredible hurt of thinking about him being intimate with his new gf! The undeniable pain of him ignoring me and treating me like a casual acquaintance - cold. Then came mentally letting him go as a boyfriend and accepting he & I are going to just be friends.

 

I perservered. I backed off, stared right thru, downright ignored him & even gave him a really dirt look once. I cried/grieved in private & presented a happy front. I treated him like a casual friend. I approached him cautiously and am still stand-offish/aloof. I didn't chase, beg or grovel. I work on reserving my dignity.

 

We remain friends! I gave him a gift card for Christmas. He gave me a hug and thanked me several times.

 

Sounds good? I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do. I'm left with the scenario once again that I gave and he took. Does he make any more of it than that? I don't know. Was it given as closure? Uh, I don't think so. Does it mean anything more than a token of my friendship? It was a gift from the heart...Signed: Love your friend, ...Am I hopeful? Sure, but I now have terms and conditions. I know I will be ok no matter what and so will you.

 

Remember, Amanda, when you cry...you heal.

[amanda22]

thanks for asking how my xmas was. this post plus "my ex wont accept my present" was another recent dilemma. i thank god i had about 30 people coming over to my house this xmas (plus my fam= 35) i really didnt have to much time to think about him. and even if i wanted to i had no way to escape the house and do something foolish as going to his house and pressuring him to see me. so...i called him xmas morning and that was fine. then i spent the rest of the day with family. this morn i kind of felt sad when i woke up. all the comotion is over, most of the relatives have left. i started to think how he has spent his days snuggling with her and telling her he loves her but i dont know. it feels as though im sick of crying and all of my tears have dried out. im trying to take it day by day. his presents still sit in my room. if i dont see him before new years, ill prob drop off his presents on his porch...oh god...new years ...anyways thats my recap...

 

so...how was your xmas???