Need Advice, FAST!!!

[xodibox]

My boyfriend had a previous relationship that was for almost 3 years. They broke up because the spark wasnt there and they were more like room-mates than lovers.

 

Quick important info:

He is from British Columbia (BC) and it was there that he had a relationship with this person. When he moved here, Alberta, He had some large or unimportant things he couldn't bring with him so he stored them at his parents house who also live in BC. He also had a dog that he left with his ex since she has also has a dog and he didnt have the means to bring his dog with him when he moved and he would pick it up a few months later once he got settled.

So with this being said...

 

We met here in alberta and moved in with eachother 6 months later and blahblahblah. His ex gf had emailed him to say hello shortly after we moved in with eachother and he told her that he had moved in with me. She was extremely displeased with this and let him know! I was a bit put off by her response and it looked a lot like she was jealous. I have been with him now for 2 years and she still emails him every other month. I wouldnt have a problem with that but she ends every one of her emails with "so, are you still with that girl?"

 

I don't see how it is any of her business and it seems to me that the only reason she continuously asks is because she still has feelings for him.

 

Some previous eyebrow raising things:

When he told her that he wanted to pick up his dog, she suddenly turned around and said she didn't want to give him his dog because its friends with her dog and she doesnt want to split them up. He said fine and then she tunred around again and said that he should get his dog because its barking too much. The amount of times she ended up changing her mind was staggering and bordering on rediculous. It was almost like some weird doggy custody battle as an excuse to keep in contact with him.

After a YEAR of this I got irritated and told him to either get his damn dog or let her keep it! He told her to keep it and she said ok and confirmed my suspicions by adding "i hope that we dont stop talking now that you're letting me keep your dog"

 

At some point in there she had also emailed him and asked him to phone her so they could make arrangements for him to get his dog.

I felt a little miffed that he chose to call her when I wasn't around and I got even more miffed when she called our house the next day under the lame pretense to tell him that some junk mail for him had been sent to her house. At this point I was fairly suspicious that she still had feelings for him but I kept my worries to myself since he never reacted to her moronic attempts.

 

She had also emailed him and told him that she had to catch a flight to see her folks for x-mas and that she would drive 18 hours down here to drop the dog off and then catch her flight from here. He asked me if it was ok if she spent a night our place. HELL NO!

Upon telling her that she suddenly didn't feel the gusto to drive up here and drop of his dog.

 

A little over a year into the relationship I found a picture of her and an old love letter in his wallet. Even though I was extremely put off by it, I did not ask him to throw them away or imply that I wanted him to.

Own his own accord he said "oh, i didnt know i still had those! these are garbage" and tossed them on the floor in a pile with other unwanted wallet debris. This secretly made me happy lol. In the morning I had a strange urge to see if they were still in the pile and they weren't!

Not only was i angry that he had snuck them back, but he had made it look like HE didnt want them just so he wouldnt have to admit he wanted them. I confronted him about it and he said he kept them because they are momentos and remind him of good times with her. WTF!?

I was MAD and could barely believe my ears. I asked him if he still had feelings for her and he swore up and down that he didn't.

He ended up tearing them up and throwing them away.

(which i dont think he really wanted to do but did it because he thought it would appease me)

 

I one again asked him if he still had feelings for her and he said no.

I told him that I thought she is still interested in him and made me feel silly for even suggesting it. At some point we talked about her emails and he said that in retrospect, it does seem that she's interested and trying to worm her foot in the door but i have nothing to worry about.

I wasn't worrid, I just want her to get lost! lol

 

At the beggining of November we broke up and I moved out. just to get back together 3 weeks later (I'm still moved out tho) She had emailed him while we were broken up and asked him if he was going to be in BC for x-mas because he has her bikerack stored at his parents and she wants it back. and of course "are you still with that girl?"

he told her we broke up and that she could stop by to pick up her bikerack since he was going to be there. she mailed him back and said "oh that sucks that you broke up but i think its probably better" and suggested that they hang out while he was there.

 

Since we are now back together I have a real issue with that!

Her crappily disguised intentions towards him are beyond friendly in nature and i dont feel it is appropriate to hang out with someone that has romantic intentions towards you when you are in a relationship.

 

I told him this and he said i had nothing to worry about, that nothing will happen. He missed the point that he shouldnt even put himself in the situation where something could possibly happen (hey, i know how persistent a girl can be, especially if theyve pumped a gallon of booze into a guy *L*) and pulled that "you dont trust me!" card out.

 

I mentioned it again and he said "would it make you feel better if i didnt do something with her?" and I flat out said yes. I was surprised that he sounded angry by my answer and he told me he had to go. For the sake of avoiding a fight, I called him back and said that it was fine if he hungout with her even though it isnt. He asked me if i meant it and i was honest, I said "no, but i dont want to be the bad guy have you angry with me because you can't hangout with your ex. You yourself and even said that you think she is still interested, so why would you want to meet someone that has feelings for you?"

He denied ever saying that he agreed she has feelings for him which pissed me off because it seemed a bit suspicious.

 

I know it sounds silly, but I feel totally threatened by a girl that doesnt even live in the same province as us!

It bothers me that this girl just doesn't know when to cut the cord and tho my boyfriend has never been anything but friendly to her, seems oblivious to what i think are obvious signals.

 

I'm trying not to let my imagination get the best of me and let paranoia rear its ugly head, but its getting harder as x-mas approaches

 

Was I out of line in requesting him not to meet up with an ex he hasnt seen in 2 years but has constantly made it known that is she still interested in him?

 

Also, should I be suspicious that he wants to meet up with her knowing full well what her intentions are and that he was angry when I asked him not to?

 

Am I being insecure or do I have valid reasons to be concerened?

[Prosper]

Hi Pal,

It is very normal to react that way. I dun think there is any problems from within.

 

Look here, i think she and ur bf had been talking abt u all the way from the email. And if i am not wrong, ur bf still wan to have those good old times with her, which u are wise enough to know that they are not going to be back again.

 

Why not, u do the same thing to ur bf also? 'Are u still thinking of her', in the email. U can also email her, 'Are u thinking of coming here to Alberta? And discreetly tell ur bf that hey u wish to see her and use this as a P.S sort of message to her. By then, i believe u can see her true colors better. (i dun think she has the guts to come down, shld she be guilty)

 

And ur bf ah, i guess he just love people to admire him thats all. If u are that courageous enough, sneak and tear away the photos and claimed, sorry i tot u said it is gabage earlier. By then i dun think he can say anything.

 

Have fun! U have tolerate for so long. And u wan to be with ur bf, hang on with what i had said. U will feel better and secure..

[imdead18]

you have to tell him to cut her off now .. this is rediculous ... dont let him do this ... you know whats going on you know what to do ... i would so get rid of him in 2 seconds ... unless he totally cuts her off ... she wants her stuff he wants his stuff then return the stuff and go on with ur lives this is just excuses to talk and see each other ... if he really cares about u and wants u he wouldnt do this ... end it

[Roasted Carrots]

This girlfriend doesn't know when to cut the cord because your boyfriend hasn't given her a reason too. Granted, it sounds like your boyfriend is just a friendly guy who wants to keep everybody happy, but if he truly wants to be with *YOU*, he'll tell his ex to back off.

 

Have a talk with him, maybe even print out this and show it to him. Tell him how threatened you feel and how while you hate to be the bad guy, in reality, he is leading his ex on.

 

Give him an ultimateum: One last trip with the ex, divide up all their old stuff, settle that dog issue, say their good byes, savor the "good byes". After that, he is YOUR man! He'll cut off all contact with this girl and refuse her all means of communication. If he breaks or refuses, you leave. Simple as that. You deserve better than this frustration.

 

Good luck!

[bzborow1]

It bothers me that this girl just doesn't know when to cut the cord and tho my boyfriend has never been anything but friendly to her, seems oblivious to what i think are obvious signals.

 

I think it's your boyfriend who is having the problems cutting the strings here. I agree with the previous posters, you need to give him an ultimatum. It's this girl or you. Period. This is not like a lady friend he's had since high school where they're really just friends...this is a recent ex who's interactions with your BF suggest one or both of them still have unresolved issues.

[xodibox]

So I told him today that while I'm uncomfortable with giving ultimatums and that I don't like more-or-less forcing a decision on someone, that if he hung out with his ex while he was there, he was gonna be in BIG doo-doo lol

 

He said that he won't hangout with her and that he's just going to return her bike rack. I asked him if there was anything in our house or at his parents that she wants back or might end up "wanting" back and he said no.

 

Good. *L*

 

We had a brief look at the last email she had sent him and after pointing a few things out that she had said, he agreed that she is trying to weasel her foot in the door and that it' pretty weird and desperate.

(c'mon lady, you broke up and havent seen this guy for 2 years.move on!)

 

I feel like a dork saying this *L*

But I'm secretly worried that he's going to do something with her anyway. I have never had a reason to distrust him and it would be very out of character of him to go back on what he said...so I have no clue why I'm worried about it. I don't get mad when he talks to girls and if he was going to return something to any of his other ex's, I wouldn't care.

 

I wish I knew why this girl worries me so much

[savannahohsavannah]

LMAO! You sure are the jealous green eyed girl type, aren't you? Put off hum? Well, you bought it! You overreacted over nothing. I've got to say that NO ONE is going to wait a full three years to make a move on their ex. I think they do have a connnection, but it doesn't sound like it jeapordizes anything you have with him. Remember, you only own part of his heart and soul. What, no ex bf's you are still friends with? Aha! Maybe that is part of the problem!

[xodibox]

savannah,

 

I am not jealous of her since there is nothing there for me to be jealous about. This has nothing to do with jealousy.

This is about what IS and is NOT appropriate.

 

It is NOT appropriate for her to more-or-less ask him "are you single yet?" every other month. Aside from it being sadly desperate, its pitiful and kinda creepy.

 

It is NOT appropriate for her to make up half-baked reasons to call here just so she can hear his voice or use HIS dog as a tool for manipulation.

and so on.

 

I am friends with a few of my exs and it doesn't cause a problem.

Why? because my ex's thankfully have enough common sense to know when it's over and if they do start act out of line, I stop it.

 

while you might not understand why it's weird, It doesn't mean that it isnt.

If a girl keeps emailing an ex that has been living in another city with his girlfriend for TWO years...just to keep asking him if he's available yet ...

I really have to wonder what is wrong with her and why she can't get someone else. tad obsessed maybe? who knows.

 

I did not have a problem with him corresponding and being friends with her until she crossed the line(repeatedly)It's time for her to take a hint and move on.

 

She reminds me of the last person at a party that just doesn't know when to go home. Eventually they have to be told. The party if over, get lost.

[savannahohsavannah]

You sound jealous to me.

[bzborow1]

Hmmm, you hang out with ex's but disapprove of him doing the same? Sounds like the jealous and controlling type.

[xodibox]

savannah,

 

I know that you're interpreting this as jealousy, but I'm not.

I am just feeling fed up of being in a relationship with him AND his ex.

I did not have a problem with them corresponding UNTIL she started crossing the line. It's one thing to be friends with an ex and it's another thing to constantly hint at getting back with your ex when they are living with someone else. If she hasn't figured it out in the last 2 years that he does not want to get back together with her, then when will she?

 

I think he needs to be assertive and tell her flat out that he has no feelings towards her other than friendly ones since she turns a blind eye to his sugar-coated and otherwise obvious hints.

 

bzborrow,

 

I stated in a previous post that he talks to a few of his other ex's and that I dont care if he see's them or talks to them. This isn't an issue about us talking to our ex's. This is an issue of an ex that cant get it through her thick skull that he does not want to get back together with her and that she should direct her interests elsewhere.

 

My concerns are:

 

1.) My boyfriend is not a confrontational type and avoids making waves.

He can be nice to a fault and doesn't like hurting peoples feelings so he just adopts an indifferent stance and hopes they figure it out.

Mix that with a girl that can't seem to figure it out and you have a never ending cycle. I don't think she will stop directing her feelings towards him unless he flat out tells her that he is not interested, she should keep her emails and intentions strictly friendly in nature and to move on to someone else.

 

2.) Since my boyfriend avoids making people angry or hurting their feelings he might cave in and do something with her just to avoid a messy situation if she pesters him about it while he's there.

I think this will give her the wrong impression and make the problem worse.

 

Make sense now?