Getting married soon but no sex or anything physical

[snowchild]

I'm supposed to be getting married soon but my fiance has no sex drive and it's ruining the relationship again. We've split up once before due to this problem and now it's back again. It's been over 2 months since we last made love and over 1 month since we did *anything* physical. There is simply no passion in the relationship on her part yet I continually feel attracted and passionate but have to basically surpress my desires because of the friction it causes. This is tearing me up inside because of how much I love her and I feel that if things carry on then we won't be together for much longer. We've tried everything but nothing works. I can't even remember the last time we snogged and we are supposed to be getting married. Has anyone had a similar experience? What should I do?

[Caldus]

Well sometimes you just have to respect that aspect of a person. If you truly feel like this is really ruining the relationship then you might have to break up.

[snowchild]

Well it's certainly doing us no favors. Trouble is, we don't know what's causing her lack of desire, it used to be ok, now it's down to zero, literally.

[Recovering_Lover]

There could only be two general problems.

 

Psychological? - meaning, emotional related, which needs to treated by going to a shrink or resolving whatever is making her be that way, things she is not telling you etc....

 

Physical - go to a doctor see why she is having a low libido? as she used to be so high etc....

 

Just my opinion, most often a psychological, like something is bothering her, stress etc...cna create these problems too.

 

R.L.

[snowchild]

We've tried a sex therapist but that didn't suit.

The doctor doesn't seem to know what to do either. I think it's probably a bit of both (psychological and physiological) but the longer it goes on the harder it becomes for me. We otherwise get on great and love each other to bits but it gets to a point where I have to surpress my feelings and that's not good at all. Personally I think she knows the psychological problem but just isn't telling me. I have a rough idea what it is but talking about the problem doesn't help because she gets upset very easily. I don't think she understands or appreciates how this is affecting me at all even though I've told her. She just wants me to cope with the situation but I think that's not fair on me or the relationship.

[asmodai]

Seems tough...

 

I'm sure she does understand that this is upsetting you, its probably tearing her up inside and only adding to her stress. She is telling you to just cope with the situation because she is trying to tell herself that it will all blow over and things will get back to normal.

 

I think you need to step back and for a moment separate your feelings for this girl vs. your attraction to this girl, as a relationship shouldn't have to rely on sex alone.

 

Maybe you REALLY need to figure this one out together, sex therapy can't work for everyone. If she gets upset easily when you bring up the topic perhaps you just have to press on - through tears, shouting, anger, frustration..whatever it takes if you feel so strongly about this situation but remember to REASSURE her a million times that you're not trying to pressure her, just expain that you're upset and you can see that she is really upset aswell and you despiratley want to get to the bottom of it.

 

Sit down alone with her, take her by the hands look into her eyes and start by saying that you're not going anywhere, but you want to try make things better for the both of you.

[snowchild]

asmodai, thanks, that is good advice.

 

You are right, it IS tough. I know that a relationship shouldn't have to rely on sex alone but it IS an important part of a loving relationship. If we were having physical contact as well as the relationship we already have then it would be as close to perfect as you can get. It really is the only thing missing in the relationship. However, I don't want to get married to her if it's going to stay like this forever because it just won't work. I just don't know how much longer I can take this and I don't know how much longer I should wait. I've been waiting patiently for years and it doesn't get any better. It actually feels like I'm being punished for something, it's weird.

[asmodai]

Definatley, sex is certainly important (dont get me wrong!) but its not everything.

 

I think the bottom line is that if you aren't comfortable that things will change then perhaps marrage isn't the best idea right now, you cant expect things will magically change once you're married, but as you no doubt already realise, about the worst thing you can say to her right now is that the wedding is off, am i right?

 

If you genuinely feel attached to this girl, and by the sound of it you do, then i'd say you need to keep at it, because sometimes its not just about loving someone, its putting faith in them aswell. BUT on the other hand, if you arent happy with the relationship then perhaps slowing things down might be better in the long run, you cant be expected to put her feelings ahead of yours all the time because as you said, it wouldn't work.

 

Hard situation, but ultimatley YOU have to do what you think is right and no-one else can tell you what the answer is.

[sisterlynch]

What did the sex therapist say?

[snowchild]

Just so that you know, I totally agree that sex is important but it's not everything. A relationship needs to be as complete as possible but going without intimacy is not good, just as having intimacy but not sharing anything else is not good.

 

I can't see her sex drive changing any time soon. It's been in decline for a couple of years and now it's hit rock bottom. I don't expect anything to change after the marriage because I see marriage as a continuation of an existing relationship, not something totally different (though it will be different in some ways).

 

If the wedding is called off then the relationship is over permanently. I've tried keeping at the relationship but I just don't know what to do anymore to make it work. That's got to come from her because she is the one with the sex drive problem.

 

The sex therapist just got us to try gradually increasing the physical contact each week but it didn't work as she couldn't even do that.

 

The therapist also said that without sex there is nothing to keep us together and I totally agree. No matter how much you love someone, if you can't be intimate with them then a long term relationship is not possible. To be quite honest, most men would have left long ago if they were in my situation. But I'm not most men.

 

If things don't work out soon then I'm jiggered. I just don't see myself having any reason to carry on anymore.

[RayKay]

I can only imagine how incredibly frustrating this is...as it is not just about sex, it is about the intimacy and physical connection that you want to share with the one you love and want to be your lifemate. Sex is not everything, but it is a big thing and it is a bond that can be incredibly important for many couples.

 

I am sure it is hard for both of you though I don't know if she quite is seeing how important it is if she brushes it aside telling you to just get through it..that does worry me since part of marriage is working together to resolve problems not just getting over it.

 

Some women do have low sex drives and it can either be an emotional thing or a chemical imbalance...there are drugs that can help some women (testosterone being one of them in small doses) but she has to truly want to solve this, and I wonder if right now she sees it as a problem. I just worry for you that yes, things won't get better after marriage in this respect so if it is a problem now, it will be a bigger one later.

 

 

It can be either physical/chemical or emotional (due to stress, or the relationship for example) but if this is an issue for you you need to talk to her about it....be supportive but let her know that you desire her, you love her and you want to share that intimacy with her....and hoepfully you both can work to improve on it with help again if needed.

 

Good luck.

[sisterlynch]

Please don't get married if you are still having reservations about her.

 

Sex is important in a relationship, I feel as if she is controling you somehow, that she will never open up to the sex in the relationship...why marry someone like that?

 

If she is frigid now, she most likely will always feel that way, why would you sign up for that level of dispair your whole life?