Taking a break has me really worried about my GF... Advice??

[tom_a]

Hi,

 

In the last two weeks the greastest thing in my life has slowly fallen to pieces... closely followed by me (23). I need your opinions please.

 

My GF of two years told me that she wanted to have a break, as it was exam time and she needed to concentrate as she was servely stressed and we had been arguing, causing her more stress. She is around two hundred miles from me at Uni and we only rarely see each other, so I was excited about the coming summer hoilday and didnt want any problems for then.

 

I was extremely shocked and told her that if this was gonna end up with us breaking up I wanted to do it then, rather than wait around like a wounded animal... I wanted to be put out of my misery... She told me thats not what she wanted, she just needed to get her exams out of the way. Reluctantly I agreed, as I felt a bit guilty for starting a couple pathetic 'possesive' arguments with her anyway, and I want her to do well in her exams. I told her I would leave her alone to concentrate, and although v.upset, I did.

 

However, days later she contacted me... eventually telling me that she is confused and messed up, and that she feels like she doesnt know who she is. She feels that shes scared that she hasnt had a life yet and that she is young (19). The thing is, being 200 miles away she is probably the most free 'attached' person there is... every day she can have her life, go out with friends and do what she likes, she has plenty of time on her own, without me around, to find herself...

This makes me think this isnt what the break is all about... Im so confused.

 

She also has said that she doesnt want to split up she just needs some space and that I am her soulmate and she does want to marry me, eventually.

 

One month ago we couldnt of been happier (apart from the silly arguments... which were silly!) and now POW! our relationship needs a lifejacket.

 

I dont know what else to do... I love the girl so much... she IS my soulmate and there isnt another like her.

 

Does it sound like she wants to break up but isnt strong enough? She swears there is no-one else... but I dont know... Ive always trusted her in the past... but then I'd never have believed that she would want to take a break from our relationship either...

 

Is space likely to do us any good considering the distance and time we spend apart? or do you feel there is a hidden adjender here that I'm ignoring?

[DealingWithIt]

Hi

 

I think that she wants to break up with you and I'll tell you why....

 

I was in a similar situation...my now ex and I were in a long distance relationship and during a exam finals week...he asked for a break. We too were fighting over the phone. I gave him what he asked for which was a "break". It was hard for me to do it but if it will make us happy down the road...why not give in? Fast forward to a few months later...

I found out that he had been involved with another girl. To make matters worse...I found out from her and not him! She contacted me via AIM ( she found out my SN through her snooping his emails ).

 

The thing with long distance relaltionships....they CAN do whatever they want behind our back since we're not there to see it. They say things to make us feel better or not suspect anything. Like you, I trusted my then bf and was devasted when I found out the truth.

 

My advice is to just break up with her now than be hurt later on. She will not admit to having someone else...trust me...they all do that.

 

Good luck!

[sisterlynch]

I think that it is important to have her feelings heard and understood by you in this way, let her do what she is going to do, don't act needy or concerned, even if you do feel that way, it won't be attractive.

 

Let her have some room to run, even if she is interested in another guy, that interest won't just go away any time soon, she is 19, and not married to you -- so I think it is better to let her do her thing and just remember to be secure enough that she'll come back to you.

 

You cannot control her can you? So the consequence is that you give her the freedom that she needs to discover herself without you. She is a separate person with her own needs and she must be responsible for uncovering herself.

 

I think that it is necessary for you to step back and let things happen.

[killer_bimbo]

I was in the same position as you. Long distance relationship (only 80 miles, though, so it wasn't too bad), pretty much the same ages, and we were together for 3 and a half years. She broke up for the same reasons as you ex broke up with you, that she's missing out on life, going out with her friends, freedom, that kind of thing, and I felt the same as you did, that we only saw each other for 2 days a week, and that she was free to do her own thing for the rest of the week, and that I didn't see the problem. The problem was she didn't do her own thing during the times we were apart, she just sat around at home doing nothing, and we had got into the position that when we were together, we weren't doing much either. Is that the same as what was happening in your relationship?

 

As for the outcome of my situation, she had her fun, went out every night, was never at home, got drunk lots, that kind of thing, and has recentl;y started to calm down in that respect. I gave her an ultimatum after 3 months that I can't wait around any longer, and that we need to decide whether to never see each other again (we couldn't be friends, not because of bitterness, but because I couldn't get over her if I knew there was any chance of us getting back together, and I knew there was a chance of us getting back together if we were friends), or make steps to getting back together. She was a little scared to get back together, she was having lots of fun, and associated being with me with the life she was living than the life she likes right now, and we weren't quite sure what to do, because she was scared to lose me completely. She hugged me, and decided we'd try again, but it'd be different this time, we wouldn't get stuck in the routine we had before. Right now, we're dating again, just going out and enjoying each other, and it's really good, we're both getting reminded about why we're together in the first place.

 

My advice is to give yourself a time limit of how long your willing to wait for her, say, a few months, and try to keep yourself busy during that time. If she hasn't made any moves to get back from this break after that time, ask to talk to her, and if she still wants more space, it's time for you to walk away. Space will do her good, it'll give her chance to get some stuff out of her system, at least partly. Not necessarily seeing other men, but just going out with her girlfriends every night, that type of thing. You'll be surprised how quickly that gets a bit boring. Also, hopefully she'll get time to realise she can have her own life whilst still having a partner, because she doesn't seem to have worked that one out yet, the balance between a social life and a partner. I know exactly how hard it is for you, I've been through the same, but although there is no certanties here, you need to give her her own space, and if you think she is worth waiting that time for, go for it

[sisterlynch]

Excellent points Killer Bimbo! And well stated too!

 

We all need to know what our own identity is in this world. Women now need to figure that out more than women of previous times.

 

There are no scripts for what women are facing today, so we all just need to be patient with the opposite sex.