When they are "too" honest! -- Help me out!

[MrLonely]

So, my ex of 1.5 years broke NC last weekend to tell me she misses me alot, still loves me, misses what we had and if i was too fix my "issues", we would be "perfect". We hung out twice, each time she said she misses me and the thing with the other guy didn't work out (she seen someone else a few times over the last 4 weeks).

 

Last night she confessed she doesn't what she wants, that she wants her cake and eat it too. She doesn't want to loose me, but doesn't want to loose this new guy. I told her i might be interested in another, and she got worried. I said, what happens in (whenever) when you get your emotions figured out and i'm gone, she said thats her worry. She said that she doesn't want to loose me, since somthing might happen and she loved our relationship yet she doesn't want to miss out on the new guy possibility.

 

She flip/flops back and forth between I love you (no, only as a friend), I miss you (but only as a friend), I want you (no i dont).

 

She hugged me when we were out and cried alot....mad me sad too.

 

She is young 20, and still immature, i was her first long BF. She said that she doesn't want me to be the only guy she is with, but at the same time, worried about losing a good thing. She has said that she has never dated alot, and that we would be perfect later in life when she wants to settle down. Meanwhile, i have been with different people and have experienced that.

 

I was in her room the other night and all my pics and stuff is still up, and she is still wearing my jewlery i gave her. She (and i) both agreed that when we hung it was excellent, like a first data again.

 

I know i am being used, but I love her too much. Is there any good in this?

[sisterlynch]

Make a list of all the costs--you feel lonely or she needs a lot of attention, and then a list of the rewards--she is sexy, she is a good kisser, she makes you feel good....etc.

 

Then rate the items in the columns and come up with an equasion like rewards 21- (minus) costs 12= (equals) some number "9"

 

 

If a Nine is good enough to stay in the relationship, then stay....if it comes to like a negative 15 or so, you may want to leave!!

 

Does this make sense? It is just a way of making sense of the costs and rewards of the relationship....maybe you give sex a +22, and she needs a lot of attention, -5...that is like a 17...The numbers don't mean anything to anyone except for you and her...have her do the same, or do it together...

[MrLonely]

Yeah, it does. She wants to be good friends, she is honest about that.

 

But, she said "there is a party in 2 weeks and "guy" might be there and somthing might happen". Not sex mind you, just kissing and crap.

 

But, she still wants me over for xmas dinner and stuff.

 

I would love to stay in it because i care deeply about her, but i dont want to stand around while she is off with others and only calling me when she is lonely.

 

I'll try your idea. I basically posted the above from our im conversation, so you got all the details. I did ask her why she said crap about me when we broke up, she said becuase she was trying to justify her actions.

 

I guess if she was done with me, the cake analogy wouldn't fit.

[TheRealPsiPhi]

I wouldn't let myself be used if I was you. Congrats on her calling you though. I've been kinda following your plight since your first posts and I'm glad to see things are working out for you in a way. I'm on week 2 of my complete no contact and I've already heard from mutual friends that my ex is "always thinking of me" and "is really confused about her feelings."

 

Anyway, as for my advice, tell her EXACTLY how you feel. You being the only person she's ever been with shouldn't be a problem. If she has found Mr. Right on the first try that is great! Tell her that she's more likly to lose you by "wanting to keep her options open" and "seeing how things with this other guy works out." After that, do what you'd normally do. Hang out with her. Have fun! Don't spoil her. Make her pay her own way. You're just going out as friends. Don't treat her as anything more. If she starts to break down on you, end the night. Just say, "Look, we're just friends right now and this isn't something I can deal with. Let me take you home." See how she responds in the next few weeks to this treatment.

 

So a month huh? Man... I hate this damn waiting...

[MrLonely]

Thats a good idea. Yeah it was 4 weeks and she broke the NC with "I miss you alot, and havn't stopped thinking about you". "I was out with the other guy and we kissed, thats it - and he is an idiot." Turns out, he is still in love with his ex, and doesnt want anything from her right now.

 

Is my analysis correct? She said when we broke up that she "doesn't love me anymore like that" and we are "done for good". Now she is telling me one night she never stopped loving me, then telling me only as a friend. That she misses me and us, then not sure if she misses the comfort. Then she broke down and said that she is worried about losing me, yet keeping her options open (i guess because i showed her i will always be there).

 

If she was really done with me and us, she wouldn't be doing this song and dance? And i guess her emotions would not be so confused?

[sisterlynch]

I think that you are being too nice??? Is that possible? Maybe she is waiting for you to take a stand and make her more respectable somehow!!!

[MrLonely]

eek! How do i do that?

 

Seriously though -- she is confused right? Like, now she is acting strange towards me altogether. Big difference from the girl who was crying in my arms a weeks ago.

 

I can't walk away from her....and neither can she it seems...

[shockeddismayed]

You take a stand by not putting up with rediculous behaviour. That means that if she can't make a decision, you continue to move on. Date other people, work on yourself. Return her calls only when you feel like it.

 

And when she pulls immature stunts, you call it like you see it *GENTLY*. You say something like "look, it is clear that you don't know what you want... I know what I want and what I deserve, and I won't settle for anything less... why don't I take you home". (thanks PsiPsi)

 

This tells her that you aren't a doormat... and it shows her that you can deal with her immaturity like a man, not a boy (a boy would get mad, a man will just call it what it is without anger and not tolerate it).

 

Beec once told me that when a girl (or a boy for that matter) is acting like a child, you should treat them (slightly) like one. That means you must take the high road and be a mature, almost parent-like figure. By doing that you force them to realize their behaviour and correct it. If she can rise to that standard, great! If not, don't lose anymore sleep over her until she can... you deserve better.

[Break up Veteran]

shocked&dismayed knows his stuff MrLonely,

 

Listen to him, you need to control your emotions in front of her especially when she starts to show hers.

 

I know it is not easy, but if you can do it you will feel stronger and less likely to act like a doormat.

 

It is harder at that age as life does present so many possibilities and you wonder if there is something more our there. But that does not give her the right to tap dance all over your feelings.

 

As I have said many times before you can't help someone out of a confused state by 'being there' for them. I learned this the hard way. People need to make up their own mind without pressure. If you are 'there' you become the easy choice. It seems that it is human nature not to go for the easiest option but to go for the challange or hard to reach.

 

As shocked&dismayed said, state what you want and then go, don't even wait for an answer.

 

You have to be strong and let her really decide without you there. Don't call her or ask her about it, just leave her to it. If she is REALLY scared about losing you she will make up her mind.

 

Others may not agree with this but I am telling you when you reach the point you have, if you continue to be 'there' you WILL get walked over and tested beyond belief.

 

Talk the talk then walk the walk and don't look back.

[MrLonely]

This is gonna be hard all over again....

 

When we were talking, i was asking her if she truly ment what she said, about blaming me for crap (after breakup blaming) - she said she ment none of it!

 

What kills is the yo-yo effect. She is all over me one minute, the next weird. I love you and what you around because i dont want to risk somthing that might happen with us, yet the "party is coming up and the new guy might be there and somthing might happen", yet "you and i are done for good..." then "i dont want to ruin the possibility"....

 

Shoot me!

 

I do want to be her friend and see her and hang out, i don't know if she wants more from the friendship - but i dont and can't stand idly by while she is off with some other dude.

 

What was suggested is easier said then done, unfortunately - since if i choose not to see her when she asks me, the she see's the other guy, that might ruin my chances? If she askes me first does that mean anything?

 

So freakin' confused!

[MrLonely]

Man, i hate seeing her online now - she isn't mssging me since her "honesty" speal two nights ago. I know it's only 2 days, and i went 3 weeks before...it just feels weird again after hanging out and her saying all that stuff.

 

I dont want to msg her, she probably thinks i am mad at her.

 

Is this a bad thing that she told me?

[MrLonely]

Ohh...right! She ended our conversation with "Dont hate me, it's not worth it".

 

What on earth?

[Break up Veteran]

Stop it MrLonely,

 

You need to get away from her she is only doing this to you because you are letting her. Take away her power. If you stand by, are you prepared to have to actually see her with this other guy?

 

I went to a club with my ex knowing her ex was there and it was the worst experience of my life. They danced togther, nothing too raunchy but it hurt so bad!

 

You do NOT want to put yourself through that trust me.

 

She knows you are scared of losing her and she is milking it to the max!

 

It is like you are giving her permission to rub it in your face. Be a man and have some self respect.

 

Do you think she would stand for it if the situation was reversed? I am being harsh because you need to hear this. You deserve better than this!

 

You have to stand up to her. If you don't do it now she will do the same to you with another guy! Cut her off and don't take it.

 

Do you honestly think that you can get her back by letting her walk all over you? Do you see the other guy following her around? Do you think he would stand by while she was with you hoping that maybe she will notice him? NO HE WOULDN'T.

 

If she wants to play silly games leave her to it. Stop asking her anything, make like she does not exist. People want what they cannot have.

 

I personally think you would be better of without her, chalk it up to experience, but you want to hang in there at least maintain your dignity.

 

She really doesn't deserve your attention. The fact that she says she is being honest is just her way of saying 'I'm going to mess you around but I'm telling you so, so you can't call me on it later'. If you try to protest she will say 'but I already told you what I'm doing'.

 

Please just walk away.

[MrLonely]

Your right, nothing good can come of it i guess....