keivn Posted September 30, 2013 Author Share Posted September 30, 2013 We are planning to go on a dinner date on Friday. My wife really wanted to. I know it may be tough for me but maybe this will give her some more thought. She is thinking more positively in general but still in the process of move etc so say she has not got a chance to feel what being alone is like. What the hell lets give it a shot and see if it can help. Link to comment
sharky988 Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 We are planning to go on a dinner date on Friday. My wife really wanted to. I know it may be tough for me but maybe this will give her some more thought. She is thinking more positively in general but still in the process of move etc so say she has not got a chance to feel what being alone is like. What the hell lets give it a shot and see if it can help. She isn't going to know what being alone is like, because she knows she's still got you there IF she decides she wants you back. It *feels* good to try and be there for her..... but what you're actually doing is helping her get over you. Link to comment
keivn Posted September 30, 2013 Author Share Posted September 30, 2013 I hear you sharky. working on it. another dilemma, my wife and I had agreed that i would spend 2 weekends a month at home to give her space and she will stay elsewhere if needed especially as the kids dont know. My friends are pushing me to go every week and let her go elsewhere or stay there if she needs to. My want this to work out but if I am there every week there is no way she will get the space. Any thoughts, suggestions Link to comment
sharky988 Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 If you're going out to dinner with her and being her emotional support system.... really, what difference does this arrangement make, whether you're in the house every week or every two weeks? She knows she's got you there when / if / how she needs you, so whether you're physically in the house or not, she's not getting "space" enough to experience not having you right there. Link to comment
keivn Posted October 2, 2013 Author Share Posted October 2, 2013 you re right sharky cause my wife after being all excited about the date and even telling her business partner & friend that she is really excited, she today told me that she is not sure cause she is moving house today and tomorrow and too much stress etc etc. She even tried to blame me for not helping with the move. I told her its her decision to separate so she cant blame me for not helping. I am really angry. I am not a toy she can play with whenever she wants. it told her no deciding tomorrow and I am cancelling the dinner. even her partner said to me that I am too nice with her and she is an idiot going through turmoil in her own mind and doesn't really what she will loose. I am going to go cold turkey and not even respond to her. let her figure it out. the hell with her. No point being good to people you love. It just doesnt work Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 Just remember to be good with your kids. You don't have to respond to her needs but you still have to respond to their needs. Link to comment
keivn Posted October 2, 2013 Author Share Posted October 2, 2013 yes of course they are my life i will always do that. But she wanted the kids and i let her even though i would love them to be with me so she cant keep saying you have to do this and that cause the kids are living there etc. I am paying for all their education, needs car which take them to school and plus more money for them. She is really taking the piss now. I love her but surely this has to stop. Why does she keep giving me missed signals. until 2 days ago she was much more invested in getting it fixed now a little bit of self created stress and she flips. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 She sounds like she's absolutely truly confused. However don't entertain that ,that's not your problem. She should not be able to use you like a yo-yo. Link to comment
keivn Posted October 2, 2013 Author Share Posted October 2, 2013 that she is for sure but its messing me up. cause when there is hope once feels better and tries to be kind etc. I think I really need to stop thinking that way but its so natural. unfortunately we communicate as well because of logistics and kids. Hopefully this will get reduced now as she moves into a new place. I think that will help alot if I didint have to communicate with her at all. Link to comment
keivn Posted October 2, 2013 Author Share Posted October 2, 2013 I have given her and myself 3 months after which we need to tell the kids cause I want to see the more often not just twice a week. If she cant figure things out by then it will keep going on like this forever. she wants the best of both worlds. Link to comment
keivn Posted October 2, 2013 Author Share Posted October 2, 2013 I meant twice a month as I am working out of town. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 Well I don't think it's realistic to assume you won't have to communicate with her at all. You do have children together, that requires communication. However you can just communicate about the children. If she brings up anything else say "we are communicating about our children that's it and that's all." Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 I would get a lawyer and set up a visitation schedule for your children. That way she cannot goose you around like she has been. Link to comment
sharky988 Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 yes of course they are my life i will always do that. But she wanted the kids and i let her even though i would love them to be with me so she cant keep saying you have to do this and that cause the kids are living there etc. I am paying for all their education, needs car which take them to school and plus more money for them. She is really taking the piss now. I love her but surely this has to stop. Why does she keep giving me missed signals. until 2 days ago she was much more invested in getting it fixed now a little bit of self created stress and she flips. No, until two days ago you BELIEVED that she was more invested in getting it fixed. Now you're starting to see that what she's TRULY invested in is using you as a safety net while she gets to try out being single and keeping you "on hold" as a backup plan. Problem is, with you *being there* for her, she never really has to face being *alone*. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 No, until two days ago you BELIEVED that she was more invested in getting it fixed. Now you're starting to see that what she's TRULY invested in is using you as a safety net while she gets to try out being single and keeping you "on hold" as a backup plan. Problem is, with you *being there* for her, she never really has to face being *alone*. That is exactly it! Link to comment
keivn Posted October 2, 2013 Author Share Posted October 2, 2013 To be fair she doesnt do that. I can go when i want but she moves out for the weekend. IF we are telling the kids it doesnt work cause they would wonder what is happening (even if they have an idea of whats going on) as we have always been a very close family. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 At some point you're going to have to tell your children you realize this right? I'm not saying to tell them when everything is up in the air and nobody's made a decision but this is carrying on too long and I'm sure they do wonder. At some point you have to tell them. You cannot spare them hurt because that's just going to happen. As long as you both assure them that you love them very much and that will never change and that none of this was their fault. Children tend to internalize divorce. They feel it was their fault that their parents divorced. As long as you assure them that that is not what happened. Link to comment
keivn Posted October 2, 2013 Author Share Posted October 2, 2013 you guys are so right. I am just being an emotional fool in believing what she tells me. I need to move on! Link to comment
keivn Posted October 2, 2013 Author Share Posted October 2, 2013 so you think 3 months is too long ? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 Well I think marriage should be given every chance. But there comes a time when people just have to pee or get off the pot you know what I mean? The longer you drag it out the more people suffer. Because when you are in limbo nobody can move on. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 So if separation is what she wishes for then that is what it should be not with you holding her up whenever she wants you there. Link to comment
sharky988 Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 To give her 3 months to make up her mind? I don't think you should have a deadline on telling the kids, to be honest. I DO think you should have a deadline for YOU walking away emotionally and going No Contact -- and that deadline was a month ago!!! The problem for me is, I don't like to see relationship drama being playing out and having ANYTHING to do with the kids. You don't use them as a bargaining point. Whatever happens, it has to be 100% settled before you bring them into it -- just in my opinion. I really think that until you've walked away and stopped acting as her emotional safety net for a period of time, she's not really faced with what she's LOSING.... and that you shouldn't tell the kids until after she's had time to experience the loss of you in her life. Link to comment
keivn Posted October 2, 2013 Author Share Posted October 2, 2013 that is a very good point sharky but it means i dont get to see my kids every week cause it would be very difficult to explain to them why whenever dad gets home mom is not there.And she doesnt want to be there when i come which i dont have an issue with but I think about what the kids may think I guess. Is it wrong to think this way? Link to comment
sharky988 Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 You're making a mistake -- in my opinion -- if you don't just go with the program for now, see your kids less, and give her time to face the loss of having you there as an emotional presence in her life. It's completely your call, but I'd really give her some time to see what that's like before you tell the kids anything. If you stop being a backup plan for her.... for all you know, she could change her mind about not being around when you're in the house every other week. Link to comment
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