really alone

[ebola316]

I met my boyfriend 2 years ago. We started living together in Florida, but he wanted to move to NY. I went along with it though I really didn't want to go. But I did it to keep him. I bought a house I didn't really like. I paid for some thing and he paid for some. On Saturday, he called his sister to come and get him and told me things weren't working out. His sister came, and she was in a hurry so he left some of his things here. He announced he'd be back this weekend to pick up the rest of his stuff, and also a car that I had said he could have. When I said he could have the car, I asssumed it would be used because we really needed 2 cars, and I have another one. I didn't mean he could take it, break up with me and leave with it. Now that he's gone I could use the money I could get if I sold it. Now I'm sitting up here alone on my mountain, I have no friends here, my closest family member is obver 200 miles away, and he's gone. I haven't eaten {except for a bologna sandwhich} or slept in3 days because I miss him so much and all he's thinking about is the car. Any suggestions?

[cleverme123]

Sounds like he knew what he was doing all along. First of all I would tell him that he may not have the car and if it ain't in writing then he can't take it. Any possibility that you can sell the house too and move to some where where your comfortable. If not I would forget about him, because he sounds like a major loser. Try to make the best of things until you can go some where else.

[sayer7]

I agree with cleverme.

 

It sounds like he knew what he was doing and unless the car agreement is in writing, don't let him have it. It's your car.

 

I would also sell the house and the extra car and move somewhere where you'll know you'll be a little happier and get a fresh start.

 

I would also say forget him because he sounds like a loser, but I know that even losers are hard to forget. So instead of trying to tell you to do things that are easier said than done, I would focus on your own well-being and doing something good and healthy for yourself-- work out, eat right, eat healthy stuff besides bologna (lol), and get reconnected with your family and friends because you need a support group (along with us of course!).

 

I've been in your shoes before. Moved all the way up to Michigan from North Carolina to be with a guy I thought was THE ONE, and found out once I got there he'd cheated on me multiple times throughout our year long relationship before I moved to be with him-- plus he was a psychotic, obsessive, abusive person (taking my car battery out so I couldn't go anywhere, putting video cameras all over the house to watch me, not allowing me to use the computer to communicate with my family - and when I was allowed to- he DICTATED what I had to say word for word telling them everything was fine).

 

I learned some important lessons from him. 1. Don't let him get you down. 2. No one has power over you unless you let them, and 3. You make your own decisions in life and have to take responsibility for the consequences of those decisions. Learn from this decision and consequence and move on... don't be judgemental of yourself or beat yourself up about it- just move on- because this is just life. This kind of bad stuff happens to good people, but the good thing is that you're not alone.

 

I wish you luck if you choose to have a new beginning and hope you get your appetite back.

[ebola316]

Thanks Sayer 7 and cleverme. I try to tell myself what a creep he was. My daughter has to go through the same ritual every day on the phone reminding me of what a loser he is and all the other bad things about him. It works fine, until I get off the phone, then I start with my "Oh he was so good to me" state of mind. Bad news is that I'll have to see him this weekend when he gets the rest of his stuff. There will also probably be an ugly confrontation about the car when he comes too. I just don't want to go into crying, pleading, begging mode when he shows up. Especially in front of my new neighbors and his sister. Trying to take care of myself, but not getting very far. No sleep, about 10 packs of cigarettes, and one shower in the last 3 days. Am going to try to get a catnap now. Thanks again, you really made me feel a little better. Keep the good advise coming.

[GettingOverIt]

Is his stuff in boxes? Can it be put in boxes? If so, then pack it up! Throw his junk into the boxes. Do you have a carport or garage? Store the stuff in there until the day he is supposed to come. Then, put it out for him to get without coming in the house. Be upfront about the car. Tell him you never meant that he could have it, only that he could use it while you were together.

 

If you simply want to avoid him altogether, I would get a co-worker or neighbor (or do it yourself, which may not be easy) to move the car until he's gone. Does he have a key to the car? If not, then just take your keys and spend the day away somewhere - mall, movie, drive the 200 miles to see your relative...

 

Keep in touch with us here... I want you to know I have been in a situation where I didn't eat, tried to sleep but couldn't... Take a shower, put on some clothes you look good in (you know the outfit), and go grab a bite to eat at McD's or Arby's or something. I know, you don't want to eat, and if you're like me you can't stand eating alone, but trust me, it works wonders. Got a Wal-Mart nearby? Walk around there a bit. The key is to get out of the house for a while. Heck, even if you just drive around listening to the radio... I know gas costs a fortune right now, but sometimes you just gotta say 'the heck with it!'

[CarterJonas]

Very well said,

 

Sayer7 said 1. Don't let him get you down. 2. No one has power over you unless you let them, and 3. You make your own decisions in life and have to take responsibility for the consequences of those decisions. Learn from this decision and consequence and move on... don't be judgemental of yourself or beat yourself up about it- just move on- because this is just life. This kind of bad stuff happens to good people, but the good thing is that you're not alone.

[ebola316]

Thanks for the advice Gettyoverit. He has the car keys and the house keys. The only reason I don't want to take off with the car when he comes for his stuff, is that he had made some threats before he left about doing some damage to the house if he didn't get the car. I could change the locks, but he could still do something to the outside, or to my other car, which is the new car. I feel like I have to be here when he comes, to protect this stuff from him. He's been gone since Saturday, and I'm sitting here devastated, and he has more concern about the car than about how I'm doing. As a matter of fact, he didn't even mention me. I took your advice about getting out though. I took the cat to the vet and the kids [not his kids-mine] out to eat and I felt a little better. Still haven't gotten any sleep though. I fell asleep for a couple of hours on the couch today and woke up not knowing whether it was morning or night-what day it was or anything. I felt really lousy, but it was the first sleep I'd gotten in 4 days. I managed to eat a little too, but I got nauseous afterward. I really appriciate the advice from you and the other people here. I feel a little better than I did yesterday and was actually able to get a few things done today. The first 2 days all I did was cry and throw up followed by hours of staring at the wall in the ktchen. Then going to bed, getting up, going back to bed and then finally just giving up on sleep. I hope we all have the strength to get through this horrible predicament with our hearts and sanity intact. Thanks again everyone.

[Marketa]

Ebola-

First of all if this guy just picked up and decided to move out on you without so much as lomg hard conversations about working on the relationship after you moved house to make him happy you should send him to hell.

The car is yours so if he takes it tell him you will have him locked up. When he comes tell him you already informed the local POLICE dept. that he made threats to destroy your property so in the event that something does happen to your house he will be the first one they look at. If possible that is what you should do. Dont let this piece of crap tell you who gets what. You could also have a squad car meet you at the house when he arrives to get his things.

 

You werent to descriptive about the reasons you broke up nor did you mention the age of your children but your Man needs to grow up and show respect.

 

Dump this guy, sell the house and move wherever you like. Or stay and move on but tell him to piss off you deserve much better.

 

Keep your chin up!

[ebola316]

Thanks for the good advice Marketa. We broke up because the relationship had changed since we moved to NY. The move was his idea, but when we got settled, he started complaining he didn't like the town,it was too far from the city, he didn't know anyone etc. This led to petty fights about whose fault it was that we were here, who spent more money on the move and each other and things like that. He went to visit his relatives in another part of NY in July. Was supposed to be gone 2 days but stayed 2 weeks and called and said he didn't know if he wanted to come back. I had to practically bribe him to get him back, told him I see about getting rid of my cats, move closer to the city. I groveled and he came back. Basically I felt like an idiot because I had ruined my self-esteem to get him back and then it was jus constant bickering after that. On Thanksgiving everything came to a head. We went to his familys and he got loaded and treated me and my kids {13 and 12} like we wern't even there. I didn't talk to him on Friday- on Sat I blew up and told him what unmentionable him and his family were. He called his sister to pick him up, packed up the stuff he could fit, and walked out the door. Not before announcing he'd be back for "his car". Has only called once since, not to ask about me and kids but to remind me about the car. I actually felt like trying to grovel again by saying somethng ridiculous like"I'll give you the car if you stay with me for the winter, but I contained myself. Thanks for the good advise, keep it coming. My older daugter in the city calls every night to recite the reasons I shouldn't feel bad or want him back, but that only lasts about 10 minutes and then I'm blubbering again.

[ebola316]

It's 2 Am and wonderboy just called. I didn't pick up the phone. He probably wants to talk what I owe him again and I really don't feel like hearing it right now. I know I have to answer eventually because he has stuff here, and he'll just show up and it will be an ugly scene. Any advise from anyone out there? He just left a message that he'll call back in a few minutes.

[ebola316]

He just called, and like I guessed, it was about the van. Here's the story he came up with. He wants to use the van, and in exchange he'll do the work that needs to be done in this house so I can sell it and move. He said I can keep the van in my name and he'll come down here a couple of days a week to help me. He know I'm not working right now and can't afford to get the work done. He doesn't want to come back and to tell the truth, I don't really know if I want him back. Where he's staying now is about 100 miles away I told him I would consider it if I got it in writing, but I'm starting to think its just prolonging the agony. He's playing on the fact that I'm totally alone here and the fact that I need work done. He also said he would give me the money he owes me from last month -nothing big- just a couple of cartons of cigarettes and some books, but every little bit helps. Any advise?

[ebola316]

been up all night and now I'm answering my own posts. This is not good. Here's my options- Let him use the car and do the work on my house, and then feel horrible every time he leaves and probably will start trying to have sex with him and then feeling even worse if we do it and then he still leaves. Seeing him 2 or 3 times a week after living together for 2 years, and then spending the rest of the week watching the caller id.

 

Option2 Pack up all his stuff- have it ready for him when he comes- tell him to leave my van alone - spend the winter alone on a mountain with my sagging ceiling and falling off wallpaper. Need advise fast. He's supposed to come tomorrow for his stuff.

[cleverme123]

Put his stuff in boxes, you let him use that car your house will still not get fixed because once he has his stuff he is going to take it run. Don't be a fool. He is playing games with you because you are vulnerable, if the house sold to you needing repairs it will appeal to someone else also. Don't let him hold the cards because when you do he is going to just hurt you worse. Pack up his stuff sit it on your front porch and have a cop there when you know he is coming so there is no confrontation. they will do that for you.