No communication = feelings are belittled :(

[missbritz]

Hi everyone

 

I am really at the end of my rope and I dont know if I am making a mountain out of a molehill or what. But therein lies the problem.

 

My boyfriend and I have lived together for over a year now. we live with our 3 children (2 his, 1 mine from previous marriages).

When we first moved in together, there were problems after a couple of months. He emotionally shut down and checked out. He had alot of external stress (family issues, money, work) After alot of fights and poking and prodding he finally said he just didnt know if he had it in him to emotionally give to me what I deserved. and that he didnt know if he had the capacity to love me. I was devastated. I really didnt think we were going to make it but I hung in there as I loved him and I knew he loved me and I refused to give up on him or on us and I certainly wasnt going to leave him when he was down.

He got better and we moved into a new house a couple of months ago and there definitely has been improvement.

 

Obviously I have carried over alot of insecurities now. I went from being adored to feeling like I was abandoned in such a short space of time, it really knocked me for six and I am still trying to recover from that I guess. He is a terrible communicator. We do talk alot, I dont mean it that way, but he just will not talk about any 'issues'. When I do he shuts down, goes to sleep, tells me I am being ridiculous. Even if the issue was a menial one, his reaction to it just makes it escalate into a deep sense of feeling neglected and that my feelings are being ignored and belittled. I can sit and cry and he will just ignore me even though I have told him, a hug and an I love you would stop it in its tracks.

 

Last night we had one of these, it was silly really, but when I tried to communicate my feelings about it, i got the blank stare, the ignoring, the sighs and the exasperated 'goodnight honey'. end of conversation. Sometimes he makes me feel like a child!

 

The thing is when we were first dating he was completely aware and honest of this 'problem' of his and he swore up and down he was going to try and be a better communicator as he wanted to do anything to make this work. It really seems that the minute I moved in with him, all those intentions went to hell in a handbasket.

I feel duped quite honestly.

 

I know he did not intentionally do that. I just cant reason with him at all. We are different in that he doesnt sweat the small stuff while I tend to over analyze. I am trying to be better but honestly its really hard to improve on this when I feel like I have to read his mind if he wont talk to me!

 

We do have a good relationship other then this, he is affectionate and loving most of the time, he is a very hard worker and a good Father.

 

We went on a trip last week, just the 2 of us and i explained to him how hurt I was when he was going through his thing, how I felt he pursued me when I wasnt living with him and how it wasnt fair that he changed when he 'had' me. He listened very attentively and held my hand and I knew he got it but STILL he did not reciprocate any words or feelings.

 

We are both 40, I know hes probably too old to change and I should just look at the good things, but just this one thing eats me up and really feeds my insecurities that were established during the rough patch that I am trying to get rid of! I read somewhere that this kind of behaviour is a form of verbal abuse, Im not sure about that, I know he would be appalled if he thought he was doing that to me. Its like he really doesnt have a clue on how damaging this is to our relationship. which surprises me as I believe this was ONE of the problems in his marriage also.

 

I could stay and just live with it and accept that that is just who he is and learn to deal with it in my own way. But I know deep down thats not what I want in a relationship so I am not sure that course of action would even work for me

 

I think I need some advice with how to change MY attitudes and perception and expectations rather then how to change his. Thanks all

[KarenC]

I hate to say it but it sounds as if there's some unhappiness there somewhere and the reason that I say this is because I went through something similar to this about 10 years ago.

 

His issues are not yours and as bad as you would like to help him and as sincere to him as you've been -- You can't wear yourself out trying to aid him if/when he doesn't even take into account that he's hurting you by his actions.

 

This man is very much so aware that his silence affects you, however; he still does it which means that he isn't willing to meet you halfway and is being selfish.

 

Look at what you've sacrificed within the last few months to ensure that he was happy.

 

Question: How long was he separated from his x (the children's Mother) before he chose to enter into a relationship with you?

 

Do you think that things moved to fast and/or maybe he isn't ready for a commitment?

 

Also, it could be that he's just a quite person.

[missbritz]

Thanks Karen

He hadnt been with his ex for 5 years. She left him twice, leaving him with the kids, I know he was very hurt by that and maybe even damaged him a little. Yes I took on a man with alot of baggage I know.

Yes we did move too fast I think, but I cant dwell on that as whats done is done now.

He tells me he loves me every day, and its not just me, he just doesnt communicate well when it comes to issues or confrontations with anyone.

He recently said he knew he was insensitive and was going to try to be less so and I said I would also try to stop being over sensitive, but we seem to be in a catch 22 as one feeds the other...... sigh

[iam42]

your relationship seems to be one of a pursuer - distancer or love addict - love avoidant dynamic. all couples have to negotiate levels of intimacy and levels of autonomy, but you and your partner have adopted polarized roles with one guaranteeing intimacy and the other guaranteeing space/autonomy. these relationships end up being very unsatisfying for both and erodes the self-esteem of both members. my suggestion to you is to stop playing the role of the pursuer. stop talking, discussing, crying, managing, overfunctioning, care-taking. start to put the energy into yourself that you have been putting into the relationship. leave him alone completely and adopt the role of a polite roommate. this will be very uncomfortable for you. but into the open space, he will begin to move toward you -- if what he wants is to be with you ultimately.

 

good luck. i have been there, and, while this kind of relationship is no longer suitable for me, i survived and preserved it by stopping my own pursuing behaviors.

[missbritz]

iam42, thank you, I think you are exactly right.

I have tried this disengagement tactic before and it last about 12 hours! lol. It is very uncomfortable for me indeed and unnatural and though I dont believe in manipulative tactics, I think this may work with him to allow him to see what was there when it is suddenly absent.

[iam42]

have you considered seeing a therapist about this? the problem here is that your partner's behaviors toward you are activating earlier wounds and fears about abandonment, unworthiness, etc. that is why the stakes feel so emotionally high for you.

 

turning a bit inward would not be a form of manipulation. it would be a form of self-care that would allow him to come out a bit. i know that you don't want to hear this, but your behaviors likely make him feel inadequate, chastised, unappreciated. so while he is like the abandoning father for you, you are like the chastising mommy for him. your displays of misery make him feel bad. so being happier and independent would make him feel safer to move toward you. again, this is IF he is in fact invested in the relationship. does this make sense?

 

i should say that i have been in this kind of relationship, and i found that it was not right for me. in the end, i needed more adoration, attention, care than my ex was capable of granting. so my suggestions are to support you if you want to stay. NONE of this is your fault, though.

[missbritz]

Yep. it does.

Yes I would benefit immensely from therapy.

It is so disheartening to think that loving someone and caring for them makes them feel the opposite.

I feel unappreciated too, in that I moved my life and my daughter to be with him and his kids. And I tell him all the time that I appreciate how hard he works for us all so I dont understand why he wouldnt feel appreciated.

Maybe gestures and things he does are BIG to him and he feels unappreciated that way. I dont know. When he doesnt communicate I am left to guess. sometimes I feel like I am just swinging a bat with a blindfold on.

[iam42]

yes, i hear you. i didn't mean to imply that your love makes him feel inadequate. it is your unhappiness that makes him feel bad, especially given all that you have sacrificed.

 

i think it is important to remember that we all bring our own wounds to relationships (including childhood family, failed marriages, etc.), and often we operate more from that place of hurt than in response to the other. i think you should research the pursuer-distancer dynamic and think about getting therapy so that you feel better. one thing i know for sure is that continuing to communicate, cry, complain, care-take will NOT improve things in your relationship. i am very sorry. again, i know how painful this is.

 

here is a bit of reading on attachment (anxious, secure, avoidant) styles that may help:

 

link removed

[NIN2000]

I am sorry to say it but I think you are wasting your time trying to change someone at this age. In fact, you shouldn't even have to try to change him. He is an adult with kids and a lot of responsibility. If he treasures you as his girlfriend then he needs to listen and take things into consideration. You are as important and as serious as anything in his life if not, he doesn't truly love you.

 

This silence game that he plays on you is obviously affecting your self esteem and it is not fair to you. You are not asking for much. Indirectly you are becoming the victim of a mental abuser. He needs to get therapy or you need to move on. If he loved you, he would go out of his way to listen and act upon it. This is not healthy.

 

Good luck.

[missbritz]

Thank you all for taking the time to read and comment.

Honestly I have never been a victim of anything, well actually I have but I absolutely refuse to continue being a victim from situations. so why I am I now. ?

He has sapped my energy and strength, everything that I held dear to me in a relationship has become trivialized somewhat.

I dont want to label my relationship, or him, or me really as I believe thats a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy. Once you say THATS whats wrong here you kind of attach yourself to that and make it all about that.

Iam42, thank you for that reading material - interesting stuff and I identify with alot of it.

Nin2000, not really trying or even wanting to change him as I already know that is futile and overall he really is a good man, just hoping to change aspects of his communication skills or lack thereof and/or my own perception and expectations in order to sustain this relationship which I am committed to.

He is there for me 100% with attention, listening, advising and comforting IF its not about him and anything he has done or has to 'answer' to. you know what I mean?

[KarenC]

How are you feeling since we last commented?

 

Has things gotten any better for you?

[missbritz]

Thank you Karen

Actually yes, we have talked over the last week, nothing too heavy or draining and he has communicated more effectively. I think there will be always an issue with his communication, but if I see he is trying in his own way MOST of the time, I will accept that.

I know you cant have someone who fits your needs and expectations 100% of the time. We have had a lot of external pressures but we are trying to work them out. I have to accept the best of him and realize that sometimes that's just enough. Thank you for checking in

[johndoe13]

It's crazy I feel the same way as many posts. I'm an emotional guy (kinda have an attachment disorder for sure) and wear my heart on my sleeve. My girlfriend is quiet when it comes to expressing how she feels; she says she has always dealt with her issues herself. She used to be a hopeless romantic type and I believe many guys just slept with her for fun...she told me she would sleep with guys (fwb) for the warmth of another person...but she was commitment phobic...although she got infactuated with me quickly...then her rational side took over...she has been wanting a serious relationship for a few years not but seems like i'm the only one to really commit...

 

She is avoidant: Her family is avoidant (not demonstrative of emotions), she has some abnormaly male behaviours sometimes (thinks like a guy which is scary).

 

I think the biggest problem is that you feel like the person is not sharing what they feel with you so you have a feeling of loniness and for some reason you ask yourself why am I even here!!!. Overall a feeling of LACK OF COMPANIONSHIP... For example, topics such as chores, news, projects and travel come easy. But she will rarely express feelings unless she has to reel me in because I become distant or says something that is not sensitive...and most of the time she will feel more at ease in writing (e-mails).

 

In my previous relationship with a latin person this was never an issue...I knew what was in her mind most of the time..so you feel connected or secure.

 

Are there methods to help them be more sensitive or let their guard down? Does anyone relate?

[StrongBalance2]

This has been a very helpful series of posts and I can relate completely to missbritz and johndoe13 (as can be seen by my recent thread).

 

iam42 provided some extremely helpful posts and it's reinforcing so much of what's going on for me.

 

- Past abandonment from my childhood means I seek out connection with my girlfriend in ways that make her feel more smothered. She pulls away. I feel neglected. She sees I'm sad and feels bad. The bad feelings lead to less connection and she's now pursuing her own life without me really being involved.

 

- I try to "fix" our communication and she gives in a little bit, but things are still way out of balance, with me giving so much more. I feel like my guard being down only means I get hurt, and focusing on my own life, giving her space, etc. only means that I ultimately feel unfulfilled in this relationship because I still don't feel like I have a true partner, someone who loves and adores me in a remotely similar way (like she did in years 1-2).

 

While I think our "distancer" partners may be able to meet some of our needs (communicate a little better, be a little more affectionate), ultimately, I don't think it's in their nature to restore the balance and it will always be unfulfilling for one or both people.

 

Then again, maybe someone has come through this, restored the balance successfully, and can enlighten me...

[missbritz]

Just an update. i left him... we had a pretty good august then came september and distance again!!

I confronted him, he said he was thinking about things. i gave it a few daysand pushed him into saying he wasnt in love with me right now. Wr still acted like a couple in every sense but anyway by mid November i knew it was done. he basically said he didn't want to try. he took his kids away the following weekend. during that weekend i found a place and signef a leae. when he returned, i told him i would be moving out December 1st. he was knda shocked . ironically that last 2 weeks, we talked, he actually talked a lot, was very affectionate and loving and wr got on great. he agreed. he helped me move and it wad a hearybreaking day for both of ud, he actually hafd the decency to get a little teary eyed! Eyeroll.

anyway we have still been in contact, and about 10 days ago my daughtet and i ended up staying ovet thete...circumsyances, car isdue, snow days. we talked and we were good and ofcourse wr ended up in bed which was great as always and wrll I've stayed thete a few times since and its like we are dating agai. i know it probably had a short shelf life as he won't change. i see that. but when its good it feels good but i feel like he hadn't earnedmy trust again and probably never will. idk what he wants...wr are taking it day by day but i feel like I'm living in limboland. anyway folks just wanted to give u an update. so sorry for the type os i am doing this on my phone and i am so tired and have fake nails on! Lol happy new year

[spandora]

i think you deserve better than the scraps this guy has been willing to throw at you. I'm glad you see that, and you're taking steps to move on. My ex is a lot like yours..belittling my feelings, not really listening when I ask him to do or NOT do certain things..I think they are ultimately selfish narcissists, and yes..to not be listened to and ignored can definitely be emotional abuse.

[missbritz]

i think you deserve better than the scraps this guy has been willing to throw at you. I'm glad you see that, and you're taking steps to move on. My ex is a lot like yours..belittling my feelings, not really listening when I ask him to do or NOT do certain things..I think they are ultimately selfish narcissists, and yes..to not be listened to and ignored can definitely be emotional abuse.

 

Thanks Spandora, I believe we all deserve better.

I have been researching a lot about love avoidance. While I don't feel he is a narc, he definitely falls in to the love avoidant category, shockingly text book actually

and I have spiraled into a love addict/co dependent. It blows. I feel pathetic!