GUYS - what would you want?

[Celadon]

I'd like some guys' advice on this.

 

In a nutshell, I've been asked out to lunch by a casual friend of mine. He hangs out in the same group of friends as me. He's been interested in me for years, off and on; I'm not interested in him and I've never encouraged him. I don't talk with him on the phone. I've never gone out one-on-one with him. I've turned down every request to spend time alone together.

 

If you were this guy, what would you want me to do at this point? Turn you down for the lunch date by saying "I"m busy"? Or sit you down for one of those awkward "Sorry, I'm not interested" talks?

 

Since we've hung out in a group for a long time, I do feel like I know him and I'm sure my judgment is correct that we're not compatible. I don't want to give him false hope, and I also don't want to keep dealing with this feeling like he's going to take any little thing as a "sign" that I like him.

 

What do you think I should do?

[OmegaMan]

Just treat him the very same way you would like to be treated.

 

Would you like to be lied to? No? Then be honest.

 

Nothing like the truth. Talk to him, treat him like a human being, period.

 

Etienne

[abcd1234]

Yes, i agree. You will have to be careful though, as you dont want to hurt his feelings too badly. Are you sure that he is interested in you in that way or is there a possibility that he just wants to build a stronger friendship with you?

 

I suggest that you do meet him for lunch but just say that you only want a friendship with him because you dont think that you are right for each other. Im sure he'll take it ok if you put it similar to that.

 

Good luck!

[Celadon]

I appreciate the advice, Omega Man. It's the old golden rule isn't it? "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you."

 

Funny thing is that when I am interested in a guy, all he has to do is say "no" a few times and usually that does the trick. Not that I've asked them out, but more like I try to engage them in conversation or group activities and it's clear when the guy isn't interested. I know when to quit, so it kinda baffles me when someone just keeps trying and trying and trying.

 

abcd1234, you're right, I don't want to hurt his feelings. You asked if I'm sure he's interested, or maybe he just wants to be friends. Well, unfortunately, he was friends with one of my friends, and he ended up calling her like 3-4 times a day! There's no WAY I could be that patient with him!

 

So that's kinda the hard part. I think being honest with him would hurt his feelings.

[confuzedboy89]

also you should give him this one chance....maybe things will change and you'll begin to like him. you never knoe....

[a_little_sparrow]

Hey K8tie,

 

I'm like you, where if I feel I'm not getting encouraging signals from someone, it's pretty easy for me to start looking for ways to disengage myself from that attraction. And without feeling as though I were slighted, only that this is the way the other person feels.

 

It happened to me recently, a similar experience to the one you're describing. Mutual group of friends, I asked one out, and she backed out at the last second. I'm not sure if she's totally not interested, but because I'm around her enough, I figure I'll just wait to see if I get any signals that she's interested.

 

As for your situation. I would actually suggest you continue telling him no. And as for do unto others as they would do unto you, I'm not sure how much you really owe this guy. There are women that I feel approach me, in ways that indicate they may be interested in me. I don't think I owe it to each of them to explain, "Look I'm really not interested so just give it up." Of course it's presumptuous for me to assume their interest. But it also just doesn't seem necessary to me, and it puts me in an awkward situation.

 

Ultimately it comes down to a matter of confidence on this guy's part. I"ve felt this rejection from someone that I'm attracted to, and I just had to move on.

 

The bad thing is it doesn't make it any easier for you. You might want to say something more like, "I'm not really interested." if he asks out again. It might send a stronger signal. But I don't think you owe him anything.

 

Hope this helps. Sparrow.

[Celadon]

Hey Sparrow - thanks. Glad to know I'm not alone with this sorta awkward in-between feeling of wanting to be clear with someone but really hoping they'll just "get the hint."

 

I didn't really think of it before, but it's so true, I don't really owe this guy anything. Just thinking out loud here, but if he came right out and SAID he was interested, I would feel I owe him my own honest answer. But since he's hinting around the edges, I feel more like hinting right back.

 

As for moving on after rejection, I actually have had to work on that myself. I think it's a matter of being willing to see what's really there (or not there) with the other person. Plenty of times in the past, I've had too big of a crush to see clearly, but I think as we get older hopefully we also learn to be more perceptive.

 

Thanks again!