Eight months NC - should I write?

[deebee]

It's been eight months since my girlfriend dumped me and I've maintained No Contact ever since (except one e-mail from her after two months). I wondered if I should write to her?

 

I do still think about her - not all the time and not in a romantic or sexual way - more about the loss itself and the aftermath. After eight months of no contact at all, I was wondering should I write a brief letter to her? Mainly I want to explain why it wasn't possible for me to stay in touch. And to find out how she's getting on with her life, renovating her house, her job etc. Maybe I am feeling the urge to let her know that I have got on with my life too?

 

Whilst we only saw each other for five months, it was intense, passionate and romantic. This made the break up hard for me. Anyway, as time has passed I feel much better and think that I have got over most of the negative emotions. Going on holiday was probably one of the best things for that.

 

I haven't seen her since we split, but I suspect - knowing what I know now - that she will be seeing someone. Probably right after, if not before, the split. Could do without knowing the details of her love life, so I won't be asking.

 

So should I write, or is it best avoided altogether? There is a chance we could bump in to each other and I want to have had some communication between us before then. It would also give me some control back.

 

Your advice would be appreciated, as always!

[ryan14]

deebee

 

dont write yet, you can just email her with a short message saying

 

"hi (her name) how are you"

 

and a closing note

 

"mis yah"

 

(your name)

 

if she replies then write what you wanna say and take it from there

[CarterJonas]

hi deebee,

 

If it makes you feel better, write the letter and get all your feelings out, and then burn it, this will be your closure.

 

You say that she finished with you and is probably seeing someone new by now, which means that she has moved on with her life. Contacting her will only increase your heartache.

 

Continue with NC and move on yourself.

[Cadence308]

I liked CarterJonas' idea. Write her a letter and say what you want to say and then burn it. Move on and maintain the no contact. Really, what do you want to come out of the letter? Just to show her that you moved on? It's just better to move on and not to look back at this broken relationship.

[hockeyboy]

write the letter and get all your feelings out, and then burn it, this will be your closure.

 

im sure, i know..this works for some people but for others i dont think it really does anything at all. at least for me. i just didnt get anything out of writing to my ex and then not giving it to her. i was frustrated at the time and wanted her to know how i felt..writing a letter and then burning it would not crave that desire.

[CarterJonas]

Fair point. But as you say everybody is different.

 

I still feel that the poster does not owe his ex girlfriend any explanation, after all it was her who finished the relationship, hasn't done any contact and is probably dating another person.

 

I think the way forward is to continue NC, and if the letter helps, then thats good.

 

It is the posters ultimate decision as to what will suit him best.

[raccoon]

The irony is that writing her to let her know you're over her usually only indicates that you're not.

 

If you want to make contact make sure it is for the right reasons. That being, now that you've both put things in the past it's ok to say hi once in awhile. That you're cool with each other. But that can only happen if you really are over her.

 

Before you write that note, consider all the possibilities of what could happen. Imagine her not writing back. Imagine her writing back something polite but with a tone of finality. Imagine her telling you all about some new guy. If you feel that none of this wouldn't really bother you, than by all means, let your fingers do the walking. But if there is any fantasy running through your head about her saying "Hi, I'm so glad you called, I miss you, I wish we were still....." Then put down the phone, good sir.

 

Good luck

[hockeyboy]

Fair point. But as you say everybody is different.

 

I still feel that the poster does not owe his ex girlfriend any explanation, after all it was her who finished the relationship, hasn't done any contact and is probably dating another person.

 

I think the way forward is to continue NC, and if the letter helps, then thats good.

 

It is the posters ultimate decision as to what will suit him best.

 

Agreed 100%

 

He certainly does not owe her anything.

 

When I was going through my break up i wrote her a letter. I gave it to her. Although her reaction to it (or lack of one) bothered me, it mostly made me angry. Ya, it sucked...but at the same time it helped set me free. I guess it was only when i learned that she really didnt care about me, love me..the way i wanted her to, only then could i move on and start thinking that I DONT WANT HER...not just asking why doesnt she want me?

 

I have mentioned it in the past. I think a lot of times we almost need to endure some pain before we can begin to heal. At least for some, such as myself. I intentionally put myself out there to my ex, knowing she was gonna hurt me, but in the long run..happy i did it.

[deebee]

Thanks for your replies. I guess it is true that if I feel the need to write to show I am over her, that I am not! And it may not be a good thing to do.

 

What do I want to achieve? To establish a line of communication, clear the air about the lack of contact and at least leave things on a friendly basis. I don't want to continue communications, become 'just good friends' or to try and make her come back to me. None of those things would work.

 

It wouldn't be an angry or hurtful letter, telling her how the break up made me feel or anything. I have written that stuff down some time ago but didn't feel it would do any good by sharing it with her. More to get my own feelings straight and move on.

 

I am feeling more ambivalent about writing now though. I had seen it as a step forwards, that I was in a position to consider contacting her without anger or opening up emotional wounds. That it would signal to her and to me that I had moved on. But perhaps the answer is simply to move on, without looking back...

[trishcollins]

I am feeling more ambivalent about writing now though. I had seen it as a step forwards, that I was in a position to consider contacting her without anger or opening up emotional wounds. That it would signal to her and to me that I had moved on. But perhaps the answer is simply to move on, without looking back...

 

Interesting. I am also feeling a bit ambivalent about sending a letter to my ex. I guess time does really heal all wounds. Like you, I saw it as a step forward, a way to help him and a way to get closure for me (and deep down, hopefully make him realize what he is giving up).

 

Now I don't know anymore. Ater our last business email exchange today, where neither of us strayed from the business transaction, I just started feeling like "who is this guy????" and why do I want to help him? He never asked about me at all. Never asked about my court case (which I won), never asked anything (of course neither did I), but I just felt he has shut me out of his life completely. He is not moving on, he's just staying in denial.

 

Anyway, I think pondering my sending th eletter is a major sign in a positive direction. I am just not sure I care that much anymore to want to help, and perhaps that is the true step forward. I guess it is something I will discuss with my counseller on Thurs morning