Im Getting a Little Crestfallen Over so much Negativity

[PrincessLinzay]

This is all my personal opinion, but Im sure some will agree with me......

 

I've noticed on these boards that there is an overwhelming amount of negativity. Someone comes and posts about something good or an update and people seem determined to bring them down a notch. Maybe it's true that misery loves company, but I thought during a breakup or any other stressful situation, that people need compassion and support? Im open to the opinions of others, and for some this won't apply, but I try to read as many of the posts as I can and seem to notice a trend.

 

Anyone??

[SkyFire]

Well, sometimes people need to hear the truth, and the truth is not always pleasant. From my experience in life, being brutal when giving advice to people has way more effect than being nice and compassionate. It gives them that kick in the behind that they need.

[PrincessLinzay]

There is a difference between being honest and being brutal. The tough love approach should be used sparingly and only when it is absalutely necessary. (IE: productive advice has been offered and ignored on multiple occasions)

 

There is also a difference between being a pessimist and being a realist. We only know so much about each persons situation and suffering. The "truth" is open to interpretation from every member on the board.

 

In my life experience, telling someone they're wrong will meet you with a brick wall. Offering sound advice instead of offering your opinions as fact is a better approach. From what Ive seen, people have gone through some unsavory events and are experiencing low self-esteem. Tough love isn't going to bolster anyones self-esteem. A mix of empathy and honesty can do wonders.

[Scout]

I personally disagree with your opinion that many of the posters on eNotalone seem determined to bring people down a notch. First of all, we have strict policies to make sure posters are not flamed, and respectful feedback is given. When we spot someone consistently breaking those rules, they get banned.

 

Yes, people come here for compassion and support, but the main reason they come here is for useful advice to get through what could be one of the most painful experiences they've ever dealt with. If we see someone doing something self-destructive, we are giving them a lot more help by pointing it out, rather than merely sympathizing with their pain. At eNotalone, we strive to do both.

 

I'm sorry you appear to have a different take on things here.

[Scout]

I forgot to add...I thought I was the only person who ever used the word "crestfallen"! (Your title).

[iceesnowbubble]

I would have to agree with you here on this one in SOME ways. Most peoeple do give the most honest and helpful advice they know how, but i have noticed at times that people give advice that is supposdely "real" and "honest" that really is just a pessimistic view on things. I am guilty of it as well, we all are..but that doesn't make it true for every response in the whole forum. I agree with Scout that a lot of the advice given is useful and to keep the poster from self-destructing. Either way, i like that you brought this to the attention of others.

[atlas]

I agree with you. It seems that with regard to the posts you specified, the ones where people write in saying how they have regained who they lost or have found a way to try again, that there is always at least one person who writes in with something negative about it. The people that have been reading and writing on this board in the hopes of getting the loves they lost back usually either do, or move forward. It is one thing to offer advice on being careful but it is another to say something negative. It is tough sometimes to tell if what is written, sometimes, is actually advice to be careful or just negative input.

[avman]

Well you need to realize that there is a difference between someone being negative and someone who is flaming.

 

If someone wants their ex back, there will be certain people who believe that is not possible. And they are entitled to believe that and post about it. It may not be what the poster wants to hear, but thats not the point of asking for advice. You ask advice to get an opinion. And sometimes the opinions you get will be negative.

 

Of course as Scout mentioned, if someone is being a disrespectful jerk or making personal attacks please bring it to the Moderating team and we will take care of it. But one of the best benefits of a forum like this is getting a variety of opinions. Its up to the person who asked the question to decide how to act on the various advice they have received.

[PrincessLinzay]

Again, I can only speak for myself. But I have seen a lot of negativity. The thing which prompted my to write this post in the first place was reading post: "A second chance is possible..."

 

Im sorry, but two of those posts to me were inappropriate considering that this was a "good news feel good post". I believe it was intended to give hope to those who wanted to "get back together" (Hence being in this forum). One person said that the poster needed help and was brainwashed, another said that the person who was feeling good was jumping the gun. If that's constructive "advice", I really can't see how.

 

I also posted: "We are missable" under the breakups category. It was a post created to encourage people to have confidence in themselves and their personality, to know that someone they once loved thinks of them, despite whether or not they want to get back together. It was met with a lot of negativity. You can read it for yourselves.

 

I clarified in this original post that it would not apply to all. Im not saying that there was "flaming" going on, just negativity, which serves no constructive purpose. It's not healthy advice, or apparently Im missing something.

[avman]

Well I did review the We are miserable post and I'm afraid I just do not see the negativity that you see. I did see some people disagreeing with your philosophy but overall they seemed quite fine with their current situation.

 

I also reviewed A second chance. In that case I did see a single poster with an overly negative and disrespectful remark as you pointed out. That has now been removed. However I think the other posters were quite positive in their advice and some elaborated a great deal on their opinions.

[atlas]

In response to AVEMAN:

I do realize there is a difference and all people may not share the belief that one should try to get back together or believe that it is unsafe or unhealthy but that isn't what I mean. I agree with her that there seems to be some amount of negative reaction to people who have posted that they ARE back together. Case in point- (this is this person's opinion, but, I deem this as a bit negative):

This is the response to the post "A second chance is possible". The post talks about how happy he is that he got back and the ways in which he did so. This is one of the replys:

 

That seems to conincide, to some degree, with what is being said. It is not flaming but it doesn't seem to positive either.

 

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I should , i agree i sound weird and negative first you have to ask yourself , do you believe in love if YES i can't continue beacause i'll just sound like a mad man , if NO then we shall continue remember i am only stating my own opinion not advice i live my own life so here goes , life is love ... love is actually life's own way or own soldier that shows to you in a beautifull sexy form that attracts you and brain washes you to accept it ....and why is that ?? beacause there is a one man's war going on .. between who ? YOU and LIFE , basically you never find a relationship that's perfect or that is forever it always get messed up some how or another ,did you ever ask why ??? not why did this happen , but why did LIFE ruin your relationship ? and thats where break up and healing comes in , if you accept to heal you accept to live the illusion again and get drawn away from the war .... but what is the war ? the was is liberating your mind from Life's orders and surroundings which include , money , relationships , sex , even food . Food itself is a way to keep you living see life enslaves you in a way you can't see any way i don't want to go offtopic.

What i'm trying to say is you chose your own way

1 CHOSE PAIN AS YOUR ALLY TO BUILD HATE AND ANGER AGAINST EVEYTHING .... WISELY in a manner of that i don't need that stuff it's all an illusion to make me busy from the question of "WHY"

 

2 BE A LOVING PERSON AND KEEP HEALING AND ALL THAT STUFF YOU TALK ABOUT , STAY BRAIN WASHED AND LIVE UNDER A WHITE FLAG .

 

I WISH YOU GOOD LUCK ..... i truly do

[avman]

Yep, I don't disagree with you. But it is just an opinion. Some people have had very negative experiences after reuniting with an ex. So that will give them a very different way of looking at the situation from others who long for a reconciliation. So when they respond to someone who has just reunited, they won't necessarily be supportive of that. Its just based on their experience.

 

I'm just trying to say that people have many different perspectives on situations based on their own personal experience.

[atlas]

Ya, too true.

[SkyFire]

STAY BRAIN WASHED AND LIVE UNDER A WHITE FLAG

 

 

What do you mean by this? Please explain.

[trishcollins]

There will always be people who feel that if they don't get a "break" why should someone else. Or there will be those who can't trust that someone can get back with someone else and it will work out. The skeptics. Each relationship is different and can't be handled the same way.

 

I am going to be brutally honest here. I personally think we all already know what we need to do. Why we are here, is that we want confirmation that what we are actually doing is something others also do, and find out what kind of reaction they get. As well, when you are suffering through N/C, which to me is the ONLY way to get past a broken heart, we need to know others are feeling the same as us.

 

I have enough experiences in my life to know EXACTLY what is going to happen. I won't get back with my "ex" (I don't live in a Meg Ryan movie) and I will meet someone else at some point and be just as happy as I was with my previous relationship. I know that is hard to grasp, but it is the way it happens. Why I am here, is until I do meet that next person, I need to go through the "process" which helps us all rationalize why we would devote so much time to one person, and allow one person to have so much control over our lives, and then watch them walk away. They wouldn't be special if they didn't have this effect on us. I think that's half the reason we are so heartbroken. We all need the "grieving period" and we all need to bounce our misery off people in the same boat.

 

So, IMHO, we already know what we should do, we just want others to confirm it for us.

[iceesnowbubble]

i have to agree with you on your last post trish...

[atlas]

Skyfire: the quote you were asking was not from me. It was an example of what I was talking about, from someone else posting. I am not sure what they meant by it.