a one-sided "friendship"... perhaps out of pity. What would you do?

[lifeisaparadox]

Hi all,

 

I met a girl about 2-3 years ago through my friend, her then-bf. We didn't pursue a friendship. Fast forward to recent times, she and I are in the same uni class and she has ever since been befriending the hell out of me. By what I mean is, she has been telling me her life story, ranting about personal things I don't feel like she should share with someone she barely knows, and has been texting/calling me a loooottt. Now, normally I'd just let this behavior slide and befriend her as I enjoy making new friends.

 

BUT, she makes me uncomfortable. We barely know each other but she told me about her mom and dad used to abuse her in high school, so she had to move out with her older siblings. This made me feel really bad, like I couldn't just ignore her and maybe she needed a friend. She'll also tell me other things that make her life look terrible and try to get pity out of me, like how she works FT hours plus is a FT student. She'll tell me about her current bf and all their terrible problems. She'll tell me about her financial situation and her terrible life living with her siblings.

 

The other day, she also mentioned how her ex (my friend who introduced us) has been completing ignoring her and all of his friends are too. She then said how it was unfair that he doesn't give me the cold shoulder. I said, "why should I? we didn't date or anything..." and she just began making me feel uncomfortable about the situation because she kept implying that I should be ignored just because she was...??

 

Then one day she randomly called me and started crying about how her boyfriend, who's like 20-25 years older than her, just broke up with her because she didn't want to have sex with him. I just feel very uncomfortable in these situations because she tells me VERY personal things that I feel like our level of friendship has reached. Maybe it's just me since I'm only open with people I trust, but we literally only met like once before we had the same class and she's treating me like her bestestestest friend.

 

Note: I have tried friending her before. But all she talks about is herself, I realized. Last semester of uni we'd sometimes grab lunch if convenient after class because I thought she needed a friend. So as friends do, we talk about lives. I told her about my situation with my bf (who I wanted to break up with at the time) and asked for her advice... she literally just turned it around to HER OWN LIFE.

 

Sooo, not only am I uncomfortable with her, but she talks about nothing but herself. I feel bad for her because she brings up her issues that was brought up with the past abuse such as low self-esteem, occasional depression, and she'd often bring up that her psychiatrist recommends x and y. I can't really get rid of this girl because I just feel really bad whenever she texts/calls me and has a problem, I feel like I can't ignore her! But at the same time, I'm annoyed that our "friendship" is really one-sided and she tells me things that make me uncomfortable.

 

ENA, what would you do in this situation?

[laninaperdida]

Ug.

I hate it when girls do this.

It's 1 thing to vent about your BF issues, but things like abuse are only meant for certain types of strangers (the ones who just wanna help everyone & everything they see) while some are not.

I think you're the latter & that's OK.

You're not responsible for helping this girl or taking care of her if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

I once had a girl tell me her step father raped her while walking home from class 1 day.

(I didn't believe it, TBH.)

I actually told her "I don't think you should tell strangers that, it makes them feel obligated to either help or befriend you," then I avoided her.

I'd known her all of 3 days & I got a weird attention seeking vibe from day 1.

That was pretty harsh of me, sure, but it was pretty harsh of her to bombard a stranger with something like that, espec in this day of telephone lines & such.

If you want to avoid her, avoid her.

You can tell her you don't like her, as well.

If you want to take on a project, take on a project.

I tend to help girls who have no friends... I do my best to include them because I've never had a hard time making friends & I know it's not easy for others.

I'll even go out of my way to pick them up, loan them a dress, whatever.

But girls like you're mentioning I just won't touch.

[uviolet]

Hi! That's a tough situation you're in. The fact that you've been her friend all this time shows that you care about her (to some extent). Since you do care about her, I think the caring thing to do for her would be to be honest about the one-sidedness of the friendship and how that bothers you. Mention that example of the time you tried to talk about your boyfriend troubles and how she just turned the conversation back to her immediately. Tell her that you want to keep being her friend but not if it continues so one-sided. Tell her how it makes you feel -- for example, that it makes you feel like she wants you to be a friend to her without being a friend to you back.

 

This will be awkward to be so honest, but this is actually the kind thing to do. You mention that her other friend (her ex) and his friends had been giving her the cold-shoulder. It might have a lot to do with the fact that she only tends to talk about herself and not leave space for other people to talk about other things. If this is her pattern, she's going to go through life dealing with lots of loneliness and rejection. That's very tragic for someone who has already had such a sad life full of abuse. If you can teach her how to interact in a more balanced way, you will help her to make and maintain other friendships. This is maybe the nicest thing you can do for her. (And maybe eventually as she makes more friends she won't lean on you so much. Or maybe she'll start transforming into the kind of person who you are glad calls you so much!)

 

As for her being so open very early on about awful things that happen / happened to her, I think you can be honest about this, too, but it should be handled more delicately. Because it's a much more sensitive thing. Also, some people actually really like when someone early on tells them lots of personal things. I've always liked it when people do that with me. And I've known some other people who like it, too. But virtually NOBODY likes when a friend only talks about themself. So if you confront her about her telling you so many personal tragedies and problems, just tell her that you're a sensitive person and sometimes hearing so many of these awful things can feel overwhelming to you, and you'd prefer it in smaller doses.

 

That's my two cents. Hope it helps!