my boyfriend wishes he was single

[kutekat100]

I did a bad thing. i read an e mail my boyfriend had sent to one of his mates. And then I wish I hadn't. but at least now I know. We've been going out a year and everything is fantastic and he constantly says he loves me. yet today i read an e mail he sent a month ago to his friend and in the e mail it said that he wished he was single and there are too many sexy girls around to be tied down.

 

Ouch! That hurt a lot and i felt a bit stupid as I am completely in love with him. I don't know what to do. I checked the date of the e mail and then checked e mails he sent me. And on the same day he told his friend he wished he was single he e mailed me and told me that he is crazily in love with me and has been thinking about me all day. i'm confused. i want to be angry and end it because I don't want to be second best or some kind of burden he's tied down to. but then I want to be sensible and think maybe it was just a stupid little comment. i don't know though. Any advice would be great. thanks!

[RayKay]

I know this must be rough for you, my ex did something similar. He would talk to his friend(s) about how he missed being single, wished he was as he did not have time for a relationship though he thought I was great.

 

Yet to me, he told me he loved me all the time, that I was fantastic.

 

In the end, he had an "aha" moment, and decided that the path he needed to follow led to singledom.

 

It hurt like as you can imagine, a thousand knives in my heart. For the record, I am much better now and doing wonderfully. In fact, I feel relieved to be out of something where the guy was so iffy about it.

 

Now, for your case, you should maybe distance yourself a bit more, don't be too available. Build your own life. He might just be feeling a bit trapped...so show him he isn't and that you can live with or without him. Don't cling tighter though I know that is your instinct to do so. Men like a bit of chasing, let him chase a bit.

[Cadence308]

RayKay's suggestion is a good one. I'm not sure what I would do. That is pretty two-faced of your boyfriend to tell his friend one thing and then tell you the complete opposite on the same day. If you don't want to confront him or end the relationship, I would do what RayKay said and build your own life and in a subtle way let him know he's not all you have.

 

If he's iffy about a lot of things or flakes out on you when the two of you have plans then I would consider confronting him or ending the relationship. I think it would break my heart to know my lover, whom I was crazy about, didn't really want to be with me or that there was a strong possibility that they didn't want to be with me.

 

Good luck!

[long_for_me]

I felt compelled to reply. I do not think you have a reason to worry. It is often the case that guys want to look tougher than they are and they often discuss sexy girls. It is just something that one says and it does not mean anything. Its a way of recognizing that there are sexy girls around. But, hey, he has chosen to be with you and if he wished so much to be single, he would have been by now. Do not worry!

[SecondChance]

I think you need to take it in the context of the relationship.

 

If you feel that in general, you two have an honest and open relationship, and that you two usually communicate well, then I wouldn't freak out over it. Many people have mixed feelings about relationships, ESPECIALLY as they get more serious. But in the end, if he's chosen to stay with you, then that's what he has decided he finally wants.

 

If, on the other hand, you two have had situations of mistrust, dishonesty, cheating, and that kind of thing, then I would be more suspicious. I would wonder if his feelings of wanting to be single are signaling the "beginning of the end," or something to be worried about.

 

I am concerned about the fact that you were peeking at your boyfriend's email. That already suggests trust issues - the question is, do they arise from your side (e.g. do you have past issues of trust), or from the relationship (have you two had instances of dishonesty and cheating)? Be honest with yourself... why were you doing that? I know it seems small, but small things can mean big issues.

 

The problem is that now, it will be harder to bring this up to him, because then you may have to admit that you were looking at his email. The ideal thing would be to NONJUDGMENTALLY ask him about his feelings, DONT TAKE WHATEVER HE HAS TO SAY PERSONALLY, and basically make it safe for him to talk to you. If you freak out at whatever he has to say, he won't ever communicate with you again about this kind of stuff. But now you're kind of in a bind, because you can't really bring this up, unless you have a really really understanding boyfriend who will forgive you for reading his email... which he might, I don't know.

 

The bottom line is: just because someone has feelings of wanting to be single does NOT mean that they don't love the person that they are with. I have those feelings all the time, and I've been (happily) married for six years. And, I'm lucky enough to have an understanding husband with whom I can talk about those feelings.

[kutekat100]

Thank you so muc for all your comments. They really have helped. Second chance, what yoy said really made sense. My boyfriend has given me no other reasons to mistrust him and there has never been any dishonesty or cheating in our relationship but I do have trust issues from my past relationship where my boyfriend cheated. This is why i looked at the e mail and I know it was wrong and I'm very angry with myself for it. My boyfriend is a great guy who constantly tells me he loves me, but the e mail really threw me. i guess it just hurt that he said he wished he was single. It felt like I was a burden and everyone else more sexy and attractive than me. I think deep down I'm just scared. I don't want to go through another relationship and be broken hearted. But thank you everyone for all the advice. And long for me, thank you for what you said. i did think maybe it was just a passing comment but with the heart, I think anger and emotion always take over the rational. Thank you for heloing me to look at it rationally.