Struggle w/ decision of having kids or not

[RoxyGril]

I have had the thought of having a family of my own eventually, but other times I am not sure if I do. I am 27 definitely not in a hurry at this point because I am trying to get my issues strighten out. I don't know what the future holds but I know at the same time I don't want it to be to late. The person I am currently with isn't sure if he wants kids..He worries about them going through the difficulties he has had to deal with. I worry as well. But, I see it as making sure that as parents not to put them through the struggles we've dealt with.

 

I would like to be married first before any kids come into the picture and make sure my finances are in order. I guess I feel stuck in the middle of wanting kids and not wanting any. Just get mixed singals from him about it. We'll be around friends and he'll say things about not having kids (Our friends don't have kids as well). But, when we are alone together it way different. I can say I am a bit indecisive myself and struggle with the fact of making up my mind.

[Mercurial Girl]

My FI and I are both stuck on this as well. I have some reproductive issues, so it might already be too late, but we have so so so much to do in terms of getting our ish together, and it is so difficult to decide if it's really worth it...we're both gainfully employed with above average wages but we're barely scraping by. Daycare costs nearly as much as I bring home, yet we can't get by on a single income.

 

FI doesn't want kids now but "knows" he will regret not doing so later on. I think if we could live forever, we'd both wait until 40-50.

[SongCoyote]

As someone who is currently right on the edge of "too late" but is still trying in spite of the challenges, I have this to say:

 

You need to think seriously, now, about whether you want to have a child or not. You don't need to get pregnant now, but you should start serious decision making ASAP so you don't miss your best reproductive years (which you're in right now). You should also talk seriously with your mate and get a clear answer - though be careful not to make it into some kind of ultimatum (unless you realize that it truly is a relationship make-or-break for you).

 

If you wait too long you'll never be able to go back. It's totally okay not to have kids if that's your desire, but if you do want one... now that you're 27 you need to figure it out. Finances and marriage are details that factor into when it happens, but the decision about whether it happens (in general) doesn't need to look at those.

 

The hardcore blunt version: stop waffling and figure out what you want

 

Light and laughter,

SongCoyote

[RoxyGril]

I know that I need to make up my mind on this situation.

 

Your right on not making it an ultimatum which I don't want it to be. I suppose I just want more of a serious answer from him. I not saying that he's the one making the back and forth decision, because I am doing it as well.

[eleanorrigby1]

I was 25 when I met my partner. I consider myself really lucky, because we both knew that we wanted children and at 28 we began trying for them.. we have two children now, one born in 2009 and one born in 2010 so close together. I have close friends who are now my age (33) and they are still single and are desperately broody and terrified of their ticking clock.. "ooh if I meet someone now, we want to be together a certain time before we consider kids.. then allocated time for trying for them..." they are panicking that they are already out of time.

 

I also have friends who are in their early 40's who had a string of failed relationships and never 'got around to it'. Some of them are massively affected by this & are desperately depressed as they are now past the point of no return.. some of them are happy with their life choices and are not atall broody, they always knew they didn't want kids.

 

My sister is 20 and has just been told she only has one working ovary and that it is poly cystic.. she has been told "if you want a family.. don't wait around.." she is only 20!!

 

For someone people the choice just isn't there and for others it is. It is definitely scary having children, it is hard work, your life changes MASSIVELY and it does cost a lot of money. I stay at home because child care is so expensive.. my husband isn't rich either.. we don't go on holiday and I only buy new clothes when the ones I have are falling apart! we rarely drink or go out.. in order to afford our rent, bills, children and I am happy and contended. We make choices every day and we live with them.

 

So you need to make a choice and accept whatever consequences that choice brings. Good luck