Dumped and relieved.

[laura-j]

Hey everyone,

This might be kinda weird. But has anyone else felt a kind of relief when they have been dumped? My boyfriend (I guess ex boyfriend) just dumped me again. He's depressed. Clinically and all that and I was standing by him, and helping him through it. I was feeling kind of badly about where we are and wanted some reassurance and it ends up with him coming over telling me he doesn't love me and never has (which is bs). I was a bit pathetic, not too bad and asked him to reconsider. He just said no, so I just let him go.

 

But the weird thing was when he left, I felt kind of relieved that I wouldn't have to deal with the whole depressive episode thing. I'm very sad, and I do love him very much... but there is a part of me that is like "wow, I don't have to deal with the mood swings, the bad attitude about life, the feeling like crap about himself. I can just be me again."

 

I'm sure I'm going to feel HORRIBLE in a few days. And I feel a bit bad that that was my reaction. Has anyone ever been through something similar?

[laura-j]

I'm not insensitive or not hurt, just wondering if anyone else felt that way...

[ballerinababe]

Something like that happened to me once. Was dumped by a guy I was totally crazy about, but he wasn't treating me well and we had a toxic relationship. I was absolutely hysterical/crushed devastated for about 48 hours after it ended, felt like the world was going to end, and then suddenly it all evaporated! I felt sooo much better, the weight was off my shoulders, and I was finally free to be MYSELF again...And I never felt bad about him again!! So hopefully you have just skipped the mourning phase altogether!

[jungledrums]

Wow, i am in the same situation, except, I'm on the other end. I'm the dumper. My ex always asked if we could just work things out, but I knew I had a problem that I needed to deal with on my own and so she accepted the breakup. I spoke with her on Valentine's Day (about two months after we broke up) and she told me the same thing you said. She said she felt relieved that she didn't have to deal with me breaking up with her every single time. With me it wasn't depression I was dealing with. Also I always said I loved her. To this day, I tell her I love her. My issues dealt with insecurity on my end. She really gave me no reason to be insecure, these were just issues I had in my personal life that I hadn't dealt with, until the breakup.

 

My reason for breaking up, though, was indeed to relieve her from my issues. I didn't want her to be involved in my issues, even though she said she loved me and was willing to work through my insecurities with me. I told her this was something i needed to fix on my own. So she accepted and then two months later (Valentines Day) I came back to her trying to convince her that I am ready to give this relationship a try, but she said it's too soon. I was expecting to hear that, so I'm not devastated that we aren't together, but I do hope that I completely resolve my issues and hopefully fate will bring us back together as it did when we first met. For now, I am going into strict No Contact and hopefully one day, after several months, we can reconnect.

 

Maybe you can help me out with what she may be thinking, since you're in a similar situation as her. Do you care to see him again? Do you still have feelings for him? Is he someone you considered marrying? (My ex expressed to me that she would want to be married with me when we were in the relationship, that's why I ask).

 

 

 

When you say toxic, do you mean you saw nothing good coming in the future out of the relationship?

[laura-j]

Maybe you can help me out with what she may be thinking, since you're in a similar situation as her. Do you care to see him again? Do you still have feelings for him? Is he someone you considered marrying? (My ex expressed to me that she would want to be married with me when we were in the relationship, that's why I ask).

 

I love him so much. I really do. This happened today. The fact that someone I love so much looked me in the face and said "I don't love you"... I never want to feel like that again, it was like getting punched in the throat. I thought I'd marry him, I really did. This is our second break up. I don't know that I can trust him to go back again. Never say never and all that but right now it feels totally final.

 

We are not toxic and were never horrible to each other, just bickering and some disagreements, nothing mean ever. We were making plans for the future 2 hours before.

 

You sound so much like him that you are making me feel a bit better. I know he pushed me away because he is in a bad spot, but I have to let him go. I would have stuck with him through anything if he just made me feel secure and loved. Even a little bit.

 

Why would you push someone who loves you away, someone you care about? I'll never understand.

[jungledrums]

Yeah, your relationship sounds so much like mine. So this happened today? Yeah, a day after we broke up, I feel she would still have wanted to work things out, but fast forward to Valentines Day and she told me she grew cold. I told her I loved her many times that day, but it didn't really seem to impact her. Hopefully she was just being strong and indeed does still love me and wants to get back with me deep inside.

 

I know that I'm not ready to get back with her, though I claim to be. I still need to take care of some personal growth issues that were part of the reason I kept breaking up with her. They were minor issues, but I kinda made them a big deal for no good reason.

 

Why would you push someone who loves you away? It's funny you ask that because her sister told me the same thing. I think the answer to that in my case, was because I hated myself for putting her through such misery. I hated seeing her cry when I would bring up my silly issues. I hated seeing her try and try and I just didn't know how to change.

 

The breakup has made me value her so much more now. I think about marrying her now. Before, I would question whether marriage was for me in conversations with her! What a jerk i was!!! I can't believe how much of a jerk I was with her. I now wish I could go back and make things right, but now I think she's reflecting on our relationship and finding all the reasons why she shouldn't be with me.

 

Hopefully as time goes by, she can forget all the bad reasons for not being with me and then all the good memories will come out and then she can give me a second chance.

 

Does that seem like something you'd like to feel for him one day?

[laura-j]

Does that seem like something you'd like to feel for him one day?

 

First off, thank you so much for your total honesty in your posts, it is so lovely and refreshing. You have to realize that you shattered your girlfriend. I almost threw up while he was telling me that he didn't love me. It is so hard to not hear that as the only thing he has ever said to me. Getting her trust back is going to be so difficult. And she was totally hurt, and has probably been trying to move on.

 

I'm not really sure if I could ever take him back, this is the second break. We were mostly good together, but the last month has been rough. He has made me feel so incredibly insecure recently and it makes me really sad.

 

I don't think he will come back for round three. And I have no idea how I would react, right now I'd react like your girlfriend and tell him no. I just can't keep being put through the ringer.

 

Have you broken up before? Or is this the first time? When we broke up before I was inconsolable for weeks, I mean just sobbing, I was so sad, and we eventually made our way back to each other, and I do love him terribly. I don't know that I could ever trust him with my heart again. I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but a broken heart really hurts.

[jungledrums]

First off, thank you so much for your total honesty in your posts, it is so lovely and refreshing. You have to realize that you shattered your girlfriend. I almost threw up while he was telling me that he didn't love me. It is so hard to not hear that as the only thing he has ever said to me. Getting her trust back is going to be so difficult. And she was totally hurt, and has probably been trying to move on.

 

You're welcome. Yes, I acknowledge that I shattered her and at the time, I was so focused on my own feelings that I didn't seem to care about the way she felt, until she began crying and begging we don't break up. A month after we broke up was when I began to realize all the wrong I did in the relationship. I then emailed her and apologized and told her she never deserved any of that. I told her that I've been working on improving myself and I stopped being critical, negative and cold. I told her how much I wish I could have sat next to her at the restaurant (instead of accross from her) in a 6 person booth, while the other 2 couples were sitting side-by-side. She really, really loved me and wanted to be by my side all the time, and I took that for granted. Like I said, I was a jerk and I'm glad she's relieved from that side of me, but I wish I could go back and prove to her I've changed.

 

I'm not really sure if I could ever take him back, this is the second break. We were mostly good together, but the last month has been rough. He has made me feel so incredibly insecure recently and it makes me really sad.

 

Would you take him back if he worked on his issues and made them right? When I emailed my ex telling her how much I've changed, all she replied was "I'm glad you're changing those things in your life. I'm trying to keep busy too, anyhow, take care." I lost my appetite for two weeks just from reading that. That happened two weeks ago. I was finally able to eat a complete meal yesterday, but I only ate once. Before that I resorted to Ensure, you know, what old people drink? Well, I'm 35. It's just been painful for me knowing that I lost such a good girl because of my insecurities and the catch is that I wouldn't have realized that until we actually broke up and let a month go by! I've learned my lesson though. If I were to go back, I trust that I would want to marry her within the first few months. We've been through such silly incidents, all caused by me, that I feel if I were to come back a better person, we would be a wonderful match.

 

I don't think he will come back for round three. And I have no idea how I would react, right now I'd react like your girlfriend and tell him no. I just can't keep being put through the ringer.

 

If he came back a second time, he may come back a third time. It really depends on you. Go into no contact and give him time to analyze his behavior. He'll soon begin thinking of all the great times you had and he will come searching for you. He may even claim to have genuinely changed inside. What I'm about to say next may sound counter-intuitive, but I'm glad my girlfriend didn't take me back on Valentines Day. I love her for that. She understands that this relationship needed healing and me coming back (as usual) was not the solution. She realizes that I'm not ready yet and only time will tell whether I've truly changed.

 

I like to think that she still loves me and really hopes my conversion is true, but I really don't know if she does or doesn't and just wants to move on. Two weeks after we broke up and not having any contact, I texted her and said "its been two weeks since we've spoken, is this the way it's gonna be?" She replied, "You never replied to my last text, so I thought it was over". By the way, I broke up with her over a text. ( I am the biggest douche-bag ever for that. EVER! I'm so ashamed.) Then I replied, "There really wasn't anything else to say." To which she replied, "Oh." And that was it. I didnt reply. So a couple days after, she texted me and asked, "What is it that you want from me? I feel like you just want me around just so you don't feel bad. I'm ready to get married, have kids and start a family" and then i replied "I just want you to be happy with someone who will be happy with you". Keep in mind that this was only two weeks after we broke up. This was still before my realization of how much of a jerk I was. I still hadn't made any positive changes in my life at this point.

 

 

Have you broken up before? Or is this the first time? When we broke up before I was inconsolable for weeks, I mean just sobbing, I was so sad, and we eventually made our way back to each other, and I do love him terribly. I don't know that I could ever trust him with my heart again. I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but a broken heart really hurts.

 

This last break up was the 2nd break up we had. The first one lasted a week and I came with similar confessions of change, but I really didn't change. I just thought I would value her for who she was, but I was unaware that i was only kidding myself in thinking I had changed. A month and a couple weeks after our first breakup is when we broke up this last time. Prior to the first breakup, we had many little trivial arguments (all via text msgs, including our first and last breakup, ugh!) I really am disgusted in myself for using a text as a means to breakup. Anyhow, in the little trivial arguments, I suggested we should break up, but after a few texts back and forth, we sorted things out.

 

On Valentines Day (one month after my "conversion", two months after the breakup), I went over to see her, since she'd been ignoring my texts most recently and being very short in her email responses and I let her know all the things I did that were wrong during our relationship. I pretty much agreed with everything she told me. Just like i did in this post, I told her how I was such a coward for unleashing myself on her via texts, and how I was insecure for no good reason, and how she was right about almost everything and I just couldn't see it at the time. I told her I felt the break up was a good thing and at first she said, it was for me, but not for her. I told her I can understand why it wasn't good for her because she didn't want to break up, but then she said that she did feel relieved and so I said, well then it was a good thing, right?

 

I'm just glad I got the opportunity to express myself to her. I even expressed that if we do get back together, it would lead to marriage. I prefaced that by saying that I wasn't merely saying that to persuade her in any way, but rather because I genuinely think that way about her now. She admitted that it does seem like I changed, but still, that time would be the one to tell whether it's genuine or not. For now, i'm just gonna leave her alone and let her heal. I need to heal too and I hope that one day she and I can reunite and move on with our lives together.

[laura-j]

Thank you again for your words. They give me hope that he will work on himself, but I don't know that I would take him back a third time, because I feel like it is going to happen again and again. His pulling away from me makes me feel so incredibly insecure. I've been through a whole bunch of stuff in my life where I need a partner who will make me feel totally secure. None of this back and forth stuff.

 

I really do love him, but I am looking at the things that were wrong. His depression is crippling and was bringing me down. I don't know that he ever loved me at all, which seems weird that he would stay with someone for a year and a few months and go back to someone if he didn't. He's not a man that ever told me he loved me in words but in actions, so I really don't know. And right now I'm not sure if I want to be with him or if I just want to be with someone. I'm 42 and ready to settle down with someone for the long term, maybe not marriage and kids but living together and building a life for sure.

 

We have a trip planned for three weeks from now, that I want to go on, we were both going to an event, but not really together, but together if that makes sense. I don't know anyone but him there and he has a lot of friends there. It makes me just wonder if I should go at all. Or if I should swallow the money and just miss it.

 

How long were you together overall? Third time is really hard to go back to someone. Our first breakup lasted about 5 weeks and then we slowly got back together over a couple of months. And it was good, we took the time and space, but then his depression came back which lead to a bunch of pushing and pulling. And I started having good stuff happen, new job, etc and he pulled back totally. And was kinda mean about it. Then he went all out for valentine's day, which made me think we were ok... hell we were ok this time yesterday...

 

I just don't know what I'd do if he came back, but I don't think it's an issue as he said he won't ever come back to me because he never loved me and why bother.

[jungledrums]

 

How long were you together overall? Third time is really hard to go back to someone. Our first breakup lasted about 5 weeks and then we slowly got back together over a couple of months. And it was good, we took the time and space, but then his depression came back which lead to a bunch of pushing and pulling. And I started having good stuff happen, new job, etc and he pulled back totally. And was kinda mean about it. Then he went all out for valentine's day, which made me think we were ok... hell we were ok this time yesterday...

 

I just don't know what I'd do if he came back, but I don't think it's an issue as he said he won't ever come back to me because he never loved me and why bother.

 

She and I were together for almost a year and a half. I just really hope I feel strongly about her 6 months down the line. I want my current feelings to remain in me because they're such good feelings. I love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her after this conversion of mine. She's 27. I just hope she feels the same way I do. I mean, she used to tell me that she didn't ever wanna lose me and that she didn't know how she could live without me. Did you ever say things like that? I understand, right now, you don't feel the same way, but if you force yourself to remember why you said those things, would you then realize that indeed you do feel that way?

[laura-j]

I used to say that and let him know I'd always be there, but he isn't good about the lovey dovey stuff, and he wasn't exactly saying that back. While I think your texting break up was pretty bad, I almost wish he did that so I didn't see him look me in the eyes and say I never loved you. That will stay with me for awhile.

 

Honestly I don't know, like I said this happened yesterday after a rough month together. I'm sure if he came back a changed man (a really changed man, not a "sort of" changed man) and professed his love I'd of course entertain the idea of taking him back. But I don't see that happening any time soon. If ever. And he "never loved me" so yeah. I deserve to be with someone who will always love me.

[jungledrums]

I used to say that and let him know I'd always be there, but he isn't good about the lovey dovey stuff, and he wasn't exactly saying that back. While I think your texting break up was pretty bad, I almost wish he did that so I didn't see him look me in the eyes and say I never loved you. That will stay with me for awhile.

 

Honestly I don't know, like I said this happened yesterday after a rough month together. I'm sure if he came back a changed man (a really changed man, not a "sort of" changed man) and professed his love I'd of course entertain the idea of taking him back. But I don't see that happening any time soon. If ever. And he "never loved me" so yeah. I deserve to be with someone who will always love me.

 

Yes, you deserve to be with someone who loves you. Since you really love him right now, I will say what you most likely want to hear: I hope he completely changes his ways and comes back to you and you no longer have to deal with any issues you dealt with around the time of the breakup.

 

I know it's hard for you to believe that he can actually change, but the only way to know is with the passing of time.

 

I'm seriously working on improving myself because of the impact the breakup had on me. I imagine my ex probably feels the same way you do right now, where she is hopeless and thinking she must forget about me and wait for the next guy to be the one, but I really am working on becoming a better man. First for her, and if it doesn't work out, then for the next girl. Either way, I'm gonna become a better person, but I really, really hope its with her. Again, I'm thinking "just her" because the break up is recent and I realize I want her and only her. I even told her that. But who knows? Maybe a few months from now, I will meet a new girl that will be "the one". Right now, I don't want to think of any other girl, nor have I met another girl, nor do I want to meet another girl, but if i happen to meet another girl then so be it.

 

I wonder if he really meant that he never loved you. Do you really believe that? Sometimes, when I'm mad, I make sure I say the very thing that will be the most hurtful. When I'm mad, i want to make sure I hurt my opponent at the very core. But then right after I say it and have some time to think of it, I feel like such a jerk and I wish I could take back what I said. Why would he be with someone he didn't love for so long?? It just doesn't make sense.

[laura-j]

Thanks for this, it is very nice to hear. I do deserve to be with someone who loves me, everyone does. But the one thing I know, is if we did get back together, this would be an ongoing off and on issue, and I'm not sure I want to put myself in that situation again.

 

One thing I should say in your situation, try to make the changes for yourself not for her, there is no guarantee that she will take you back, and the changes you are making will be good for you in your life no matter what happens between you two.

 

I'm not sure if he ever really loved me or like you said, was trying to hurt me to the core so he could escape the conversation/situation. Break up and get out. I'm choosing to believe this was him talking within the depression, not totally himself. Because if I believe that he stayed with me and never loved me and wasted over a year of my life, I'm not sure I would get over that. I can get through the depression as answer way better than "I never loved you and I never will." That's just horrible.

 

Only time will tell if he comes back and wants to talk, but for myself I am going to just stay away for now. Who knows if I will want to talk to him in the future. But right now I feel like he effed up completely and doesn't deserve a spot in my life. He made me a super nice dinner for valentines and we were making future plans three hours before, and then boom I never loved you. Come on dude, that is unnecessary roughness. I know you feel bad about yourself, but seriously? We've had a rough patch for sure, but we didn't even have an argument. Sucks.

[gigginstick]

He's a liar laura you know he loved you, he may damn well still love you, but he's trying to hurt you right now.

[laura-j]

He's a liar laura you know he loved you, he may damn well still love you, but he's trying to hurt you right now.

 

Thank you so much for this... very short and to the point, plus it made me laugh. This is what is hurting me the most, is that instead of disengaging with love and care he went out of his way to hurt me. And we didn't fight mean, so it is even more brutal as unlike him. There's no way you stay with someone as long as he did and did the things he did without love, jesus without platonic love if nothing else. Very hurtful thing to say to anyone. But to a partner, wow, cruel.

[gigginstick]

Yea that is mos def a very cruel thing to say. But like I said dont believe that mess. Hurting people hurt others.

[laura-j]

^^This....

[progprof]

You know, reading your posts, made me want to relate my own similar experience with my ex.

 

First of all, we were a gay couple. He's 15 years younger than I (he's 23). Part of the problem was our age difference, and being at different stages of our lives. The other part? Well, he definitely has some issues.

 

I didn't want to pursue anything serious with him from the beginning. I wanted it to be casual dating, but eventually he asked me to stop seeing and having sexual relationships with others. I don't know why I said yes. Eventually he moved in (he manipulated the situation by saying he was kicked out of his parents' home, because I had said no before). But then he slowly wanted to continue an open relationship, and he began to have very dysfunctional experiences. He was drugged once by a man (he willingly took the drugs). He was raped by two strange men he met in a hotel room. He caught 2 STDs. He would go to the gay bathhouse for SM sex. I had to get out of bed to pick him up off a sidewalk where he passed out drunk. It seemed the more degrading the sex, the more he was drawn to it. I think it's an understatement to say he has self-esteem issues. And I stuck with him through it all. I know he did love me, but his issues kept him in a self-destructive pattern.

 

Finally, we ended it one week ago, on Valentine's Day. At first I was heartbroken, but slowly I've become more relieved. The stress and torture of always rescuing him was really taking a toll on me. Waiting up for him, or laying in bed hurting because he wasn't there. I had become depressed, drank too much, and had gained about 20 pounds. I had low energy, and had become disinterested in sex. I stopped exercising and lost interest in social activities and important hobbies. I felt frustrated and angry- both with him, and myself for allowing this into my life. I also learned that I could have never changed him or saved him. He would have to do that himself.

 

Now, I'm at a stage where, although I see some of the mistakes I made to contribute to the problem, I can also see how badly our relationship affected me. I have discovered a lot about my own issues that led me into this relationship, and am working to address them. I'm using NC to work on me, and to let him go. So, in the end, I am kind of relieved I got out of a situation that spiraling down quickly. I don't know if I'll ever see him or talk to him again. This early on, I still have yearnings for him, at times. But I know in two months or so, I'll probably not to even want to talk to him.

 

Anyways, I didn't mean to hijack your thread. Hearing similar stories, or even worse ones has helped me put my own ex into perspective. I hope you kind something in my story to help you.

[laura-j]

Progprof, thank you so much for sharing that story, and absolutely no problem "hijacking" wanted to hear if anyone else felt the relief. It's funny I don't see to many gay folks on the forums, a welcome addition to the dialog for me as almost all of my best friends are gay men. (I'm just one of those girls! What a horrible thing you went through, sounds like he has some really serious issues, do you know if he was abused as a child? I've known quite a few gay men into risky sex, but yikes! Sounds like there were a fair amount of drugs going on too. Unfortunately these days that seems to be kinda par for the course for kids (of all orientations) in their early 20s. I really hope that this is the end of the road for you two. If you ever waffle, just read what you wrote above... And if you need anything at all feel free to PM me.

 

I was in something similarly dysfunctional but it was all drugs/drink/abuse in the 90s. And I swear the moment that man left my house i was like a new woman! I dropped the extra weight, slowed down on the drinking, and was so incredibly happy. Sometimes I think those really horrible people (like your recent ex and my long ago ex) come into our lives to make us realize how good we really can have it. I just bloomed after that one. It was weird, cause we were together for almost a decade and I think I cried once or twice... I so hope this is the case for you. While we all know that we have a part in a relationship with a bad person, it can be very freeing when they are gone.

 

In my situation, I've been up and down a lot this week, so I did myself a huge favor and took my dog out to one of the most beautiful spots in the world (IMHO) about 2 hours away from my house. We hiked up and down hills and went to the beach, it was glorious, no one around as it is mid week and winter. Half way up the hill I said to myself, "I'm going to leave (ex's name) here. I'm going to forgive him and myself for anything we ever did wrong in the relationship. And I'm going to forgive him for saying the horrible and hurtful things to me on Saturday. I will choose to believe that was the depression speaking and not him, and I will let it go." So I went to the top of this gorgeous hill and yelled "I forgive you (ex's name)!!!" and I cried a little, and wrote on a very small piece of paper. "Goodbye, I love you very much. I forgive you and know you didn't mean it. Always, Laura" (I do not forgive depression at all, depression can suck it) I let it go in the wind. And weirdly the knot in my stomach just sort of started untying and I got super hungry (haven't really eaten since Saturday morning before this all went down) ... This is REALLY out of character for me, I'm much more punk rock than hippy, but this just struck me as I walked up this hill and this beautiful place. I think it is because I was just talking to a friend about scattering the ashes of his beloved dog, it felt good to have a place far from my home to "leave it", someplace beautiful just like I think we were ... not to say I won't wake up in the morning in tears again... but it's a start.

[progprof]

Thanks, laura-j! I really liked your story of letting your ex go- it gives me hope that I can do the same one day.

 

After I posted my story, my heart completely broke, and I spent the next 30 minutes in bed with my dogs, bawling uncontrollably. I was crying for him, for me, for us. Crying out all the frustration, pain, hopelessness, fear, anger and loss. Hitting my pillows, talking to him, shouting, begging... I didn't hold anything back. My heart both broke and overflowed with love for him, wishing him well, wishing he would learn before it was too late, wishing him health, well-being, and healing. Telling him how much I miss him, and how I wish we could have worked together to save our love.

 

And, I apologized to him for my mistakes in the relationship, and asked him to forgive me. I cried so hard, so I could forgive him too- just let all that pain out, so I wouldn't blame him any more.

 

I know I may have to do it again, but it was a really healing moment.

[laura-j]

I must be a day or two ahead of you in the breakdown derby. I did that same thing Sunday night, I really hope none of my neighbors heard me talking to myself... LOUDLY. (It's kinda funny in retrospect what that must have looked like...) My poor pets were a tiny bit afraid. I lost my crap completely. It felt kinda good afterwards. It has to be done at some point.

 

Sometimes it is good to have the conversation you need to have with yourself and give yourself the answers you need to move forward. Not pretending that they are coming back and everything will be great, but in a validating of your feelings way. That's what I did today, I pictured very clearly him apologizing not for leaving but for how, and for not being there when I needed him, and he told me that he loved me and he would really miss me. Is it true? Doesn't matter, made me feel better. I know we need to be apart most likely permanently, and it hurts, but to be in that weird spiral forever would totally hurt a lot more. I'm working on the mistakes I made too, in therapy, if you aren't going I recommend it. But since I don't want to call him, I needed to hear it somehow so I conjured it.

 

Kinda kooky right? I feel like this crazy hippy today (no offense to any hippies... )

[progprof]

I would love to do therapy, but I live in Korea, where it's hard to come by. In terms of psychiatric care, they're still stuck in the 50s- they even still list homosexuality as a disorder here.

 

My greatest despair and issue was that I couldn't help him. No matter what I did, I couldn't stop his spiraling out of control. No matter how much love I gave him, it wasn't enough- I wasn't enough (he had to have others). Even during the breakup talk, he said he was going to the bathhouse that night (can I be honest and direct? He said he wanted to be gangbanged by strangers). I'm surprised I kept my composure at that moment. I've forgiven him for that- I know he was just trying to medicate his own pain. It's so heart-wrenching to watch the person you love the most self-destruct, and not be able to help him.

 

And now that I look back, I can see I was pushing him away just as he was pulling away. I was becoming miserable and desperate. It overwhelmed me and pulled me down with him. In the end, I know the breakup was the best thing for me- I couldn't take any more of his pain on my shoulders. Now, I don't feel so sad for myself, just for my boy- aching for his pain, and degradation again.

[laura-j]

Oh Honey. Can you find an online therapist? There are a bunch that do the from the states... Skype or something? You can always be honest and direct, with me anyway, not a lot shocks me, we're here so you can get it out. Your boy is in a lot of pain, but you can't be in charge of his pain. You can't fix him, and god willing he makes it through this time in his life alive, hopefully he will turn it around. I have a lot of friends who were totally self destructive in their 20s that are good now, in their 30s and 40s. I'm assuming in Korea there is a huge stigmatism to being gay as well? that might be some of it, are you both Korean?

 

At least my dude wasn't quite that hurtful in his exit speech. Geez, harsh. But I feel like we are dealing with the same root, with different ways of acting out. Mine shut down completely away from everything he loved, friends, music, travel, and sadly me. He's in such a bad place, it breaks my heart, but he has asked me to leave him, so I have to respect it, no matter how much I don't want to. How much I want to go and just hold on to him and rub his head and tell him it will all be ok.

 

Sad love is the worst love for sure.

 

I'm here for you anytime.

xoxox!

[progprof]

I'm looking for some online therapy now- you read my mind! He's Korean, I'm Canadian, and yes, there's a huge stigma attached to being gay in Korea.

 

I know we had to breakup- I had to protect myself. I couldn't risk my well-being or physical health any more. He gave me one STD, but it could have been worse. I know he was hurtful in his speech, because he was hurting. Neither one of us wanted to break up, but we knew it was right. He was just reacting to the pain. I'm still struggling with NC, but keep going day by day. I keep wishing he would contact me. I don't know if he ever will (my suspicion is he moved on to someone else). Much of it comes from the longing to help him, and keep him safe. It's a good instinct, but you're right- there's nothing I can do. He has to help himself.

 

I'm really glad I found you here. It seems we went through very similar experiences. Thank you so much for sharing with me.

[progprof]

I think one of the problems, too, is that I never got to tell him any of this. We used the excuse that our age gap was too much. I wish I had the clarity then, to tell him what I know now. I guess its too late.