What am I going to do?

[lucy2423]

I'm not sure if there's an introduction section for this forum or not. I'm new here and I'm a bit more focused on getting my story out at the moment. So I apologize if I'm not doing this correctly.

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 4 years. We really hit it off in the beginning and have been getting closer and closer as time has gone on. In April of 2011 he was diagnosed with testicular cancer. Every day since then has been stressful. Somehow we've endured all of this - surgeries, MANY rounds of chemo, etc - to come to where we are now. We found out that his chemo is no longer working and his body is so beat up from the drugs that they can't try any other kind - not that it would even work at this point. He has been through so much just to get to this place???

 

He has tumors all over in his lungs - one is almost 5 inches! It's also in his bone and liver.

 

They haven't given a time frame for how long he will live. All they have said is that it seems to be moving fast. I'm not sure how to take that. I guess his doctor won't give a time table so maybe that means we still have a little time together???

 

I just can't wrap my head around this! I finally found a great guy and he's being taken away from me. How can I live in my house that's full of memories? How can I do anything without him when we did everything together???

 

The finality of it is what's making me feel so crazed. I'll never get a text from him again, never get to hold him again, never get to laugh with him again....The list goes on and on and on.

 

I think I'm thinking too far ahead and getting myself worked up. I need to focus day to day and cherish what time I have left with him. But it sure is hard to put those intense fears away because they will surface someday...and I'd like to be ready for them!

 

Thank you all for reading this and letting me vent. I don't know what else to do right now!

[SpottiOtti]

Hi, Lucy. I don't have the words to soothe you; I can't even imagine what you are feeling. Just wanted to say that I am so, so sorry to hear of your boyfriend's cancer. Keep posting and venting. Hugs.

[offplanet]

Hi Lucy, I'm very very sorry to hear that sad story of what you're both going through. Nothing could make it feel better so I will just say how much I feel for you. All the best.

[iamkaylee]

Hi Lucy. I am so very sorry for what you and your BF are going through right now.

 

I lost a very good friend of mine to testicular cancer that had spread quickly much like it's doing in your BF. I think the most devestating part was that he was such a young man. He was only 23 when he passed away. The doctors probably aren't giving you a timetable because they can't. Sometimes, they just don't know.

 

I'll tell you this, enjoy each moment you have. Live for the good times, accept the bad ones as they come. Cherish the time you have together and waste none of it. Let the little things and the petty arguments go. They don't matter. You will always have the memories, so make as many of them happy ones as you can.

[lucy2423]

Right now I'm feeling exhausted and draining in every way possible. I find it hard to concentrate at work, I'm sluggish, making mistakes, etc. My "support system" sucks! My family is so disconnected from me that it's just crazy. I don't know if they are uncomfortable with the whole situation or if they're just that self-centered. Whatever it is, it's making it so much harder on me because there isn't anyone to talk to. No shoulder to cry on.

 

My boyfriend's attitude has really changed too. When we first found out that he was out of options, he was sooooo scared. We cried & cried & cried that first day. He was terrified of dying and so scared to leave me because he knew that I couldn't turn to friends & family for support. Two weeks later, he's whistling a different tune. He's still scared of dying but seems to have accepted it as his "fate". There is no fight left in him. And as far as I know, he doesn't care what will happen to me when he's gone. Not sure how to feel about that... I know he should be focused on himself but to not give a crap about me at all really hurts. Just one more thing going against me.

 

I used to turn to him for everything but I don't even know who he is right now. So, I'm completely alone. I feel like I'm going out of my mind. I'll have to deal with this all by myself and that scares the crap out of me. How am I going to be able to handle this alone?

 

Right now I'd love to just sleep and sleep and sleep.

[lucy2423]

This day is just getting worse and worse.

 

He's in a neighboring town, with plans to get radiation. One thing lead to another, doctors talked, they realized he's in really bad shape. Now he's being sent home with his parents for hospice care. I will probably only see him a time or two again before he goes.

 

I don't know how to deal with this!!!!

[daddids]

First of all I need to say I am really sorry for what you are going through.I dont think anyone can give you a piece of advice that will take you out of your situation.

 

I think it is normal that your boyfriend has changed alot, if anyone has enough reasons for changing that is him.Do not blame him for not paying attention to you as much as he used to.And from what you have written here I honestly dont think he doesnt give a c**p about you, he is just going through much.

 

If I were you I would try to get some days off work and visit him at his place and stand by him.

 

I, with all my heart, wish you stop suffering soon, both you and your beloved one.

[episkopos]

Dear Lucy, you are not alone and won't be alone. I can only imagine what you are going through but I want you to know that you will get through. I just prayed for you. Be strong and be there for him especially at the time. See the times you spent together as a gift from God. All the best.