sibelius9 Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 I've never felt so at ease with the idea of taking my own life. I figured I'd let somebody know since I can't put my loved ones through such a confession. Who cares what's on the other side (if anything at all). Even oblivion is better than this. Link to comment
ballerinababe Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 Hi Sibelius (is your name referring to the composer?). Please don't end your life. Imagine yourself in a better place in the future and thinking "I'm so glad I didn't kill myself." Once it's over, that's it...Eternity...no turning back! Link to comment
sibelius9 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Share Posted February 5, 2013 It is. Jean Sibelius is my hero. I'm a composer. Maybe I'll meet him now. Link to comment
ballerinababe Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 Wow! I had the feeling you were a composer, as Sibelius only completed 7 symphonies with the 8th left incomplete. So the 9th would be in your imagination? Or did you compose a symphony inspired by him and call it his 9th? I'm a classical musician myself, so I can definitely appreciate Sibelius! And maybe you will meet him and other composers one day...But now is not the time! I just read your post from yesterday about your ex. You sounded hopeful then and cited her and her daughter as a reason to live. What changed since then? Link to comment
ballerinababe Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 From one classical musician to another, please don't leave this world... We need you here, we need your creativity and musical ideas!! It truly shatters my heart to know a fellow classical music lover is planning to take his own life. I really feel that classical musicians share a special connection, and it would pain me to lose you, as odd as that may sound. We really do need you here. Link to comment
sibelius9 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Share Posted February 5, 2013 You know.....when I added the number 9 to my screen name I had not put that together in my head. What a remarkable observation on your part. The number 9 just happens to be my special number but... I was writing my first symphony, which I could subtitle Sibelius' ninth (since it is inspired by 3 of his pieces for string orchestra) but I don't feel like I'm worth any such effort. It's nice that a colleague reached out. I wish I weren't so late for me. I have completely given up all hope of recovering. As for them....I'll probably never see them again. I've never known what peace feels like. I'm so tormented by everything and everyone. I can't even write down the music in my head as fast as it makes its way into me and becomes a storm of sound. It's agonizing. Link to comment
sibelius9 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Share Posted February 5, 2013 You bring tears to my eyes. I understand what you mean about our connection. You dance and play? Link to comment
sibelius9 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Share Posted February 5, 2013 I'm so glad to know someone out here knows a thing or two about Sibelius. He's often overlooked (even in conservatory settings). I cannot comprehend why we must negate the lat Romantics as if their music were a blight on the 20th century. Sibelius was far ahead of his time in how he handled orchestral textures and colors. He was a Nordic impressionist before there was any worthwhile Nordic ANYONE (with all due respect to Grieg and Nielsen and subsequent ones that hold a dear place in my heart. Without Sibelius there is no Rautavaara, Sallinen, Saariaho, or Aho...to name a few of Finland's best). Link to comment
ballerinababe Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 Yes, I did ballet and piano from age 3 but was injured at 19, destroying my future as a dancer, and my sole focus became piano. You know what is giving me goosebumps? I was listening to Sibelius earlier tonight and was about to go to bed when I suddenly felt like checking ENA. That's when I saw your name on here and clicked on the post. Link to comment
sibelius9 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Share Posted February 5, 2013 My goodness. Maybe Sibelius sent you to keep me around for another night. Is that a picture of you dancing or just a generic ballet dancer image? Link to comment
ballerinababe Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 You're right that Sibelius seems underappreciated or at least understudied. At my conservatory we barely uttered his name even once, with the exception of one of his symphonies on a listening exam! Seriously, we need you here!! I know it can be overwhelming when you have so many ideas and sounds swirling through your head, but isn't that a sign that you have much to accomplish yet in this life? If your mind were BLANK it would be another story. But your mind and creative spirit is rife with ideas and it would be a disservice to the classical music world and to Sibelius himself if you left this world early. Link to comment
ballerinababe Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 That's not me in the picture, no. Link to comment
ballerinababe Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 My goodness. Maybe Sibelius sent you to keep me around for another night. I think he is trying to reach out to you, yes, but to keep you around MUCH longer than just another night! Link to comment
sibelius9 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Share Posted February 5, 2013 You make my cry.....what is wrong with me? How could it be of all people that read this, that YOU would reach out through the ONE subject matter that has helped me to endure (the little I have endured and so poorly). Link to comment
sibelius9 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Share Posted February 5, 2013 I don't mean to keep you awake. Link to comment
ballerinababe Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 Like I said, we are connected through music... and music works in mysterious ways... I truly believe we were meant to meet on here. What do you think? Link to comment
sibelius9 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Share Posted February 5, 2013 It would be very hard to deny. Where are you from? Link to comment
ballerinababe Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 Perhaps you could resume working on your first symphony. I would be interested to look over the score... Link to comment
ballerinababe Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 I live near Chicago. What about you? Link to comment
sibelius9 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Share Posted February 5, 2013 I am from Florida but have recently moved to Mexico. I'll be returning to the States by this coming summer. I would love to know your name but I don't think I should ask through this medium. I'd like to compose a nocturne for you to play at the piano with your name as the theme of the melody. I say a nocturne because I did meet you at night and you pianist love those anyways. Link to comment
ballerinababe Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 Wow, that's a lovely idea, and quite an honor! I'd love to play a nocturne by you. We can communicate through private messages on here. A move to Mexico sounds rather exotic. Do you speak Spanish? Link to comment
sibelius9 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Share Posted February 5, 2013 I know you're a stranger and yet I don't mean to let you down, however, I don't know that I can make it past tonight. It's too much at this point. It's 27 years of agony and trying everything to get better but it follows me, it penetrates me and I won't let me rest. I think I deserve some peace. Link to comment
sibelius9 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Share Posted February 5, 2013 I do....it's my first language. Link to comment
ballerinababe Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 ...At least I thought we could send each other PM's but I don't seem to see how to do it...! Link to comment
ballerinababe Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 I know you're a stranger and yet I don't mean to let you down, however, I don't know that I can make it past tonight. It's too much at this point. It's 27 years of agony and trying everything to get better but it follows me, it penetrates me and I won't let me rest. I think I deserve some peace. Please don't. What about the nocturne? Link to comment
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