Devia Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 First of all I have an amazing man in my life, and I don't know how I am so fortunate as to have someone who has these same feelings towards me. So, while I am extremely grateful for all of the wonderful qualities he possesses, at the same time I care about him so much that I want to share something as intimate as sex with him. Here's the thing: we are both very physically attracted to each other and things go great when we get intimate. I can make him climax, and he can make me climax. But as soon as I get him hard, if we try to actually have sex he goes soft and can't get it up again no matter what we try. He admits that it's a psychological thing. He said his last relationship(ended 2 years ago) was going on way too long and too poorly at the end. He didn't want to have sex with her most of the time at the end of their relationship but she demanded it from him, and because he was hoping to rekindle things he would oblige. However, according to him she would verbally abuse him during sex sometimes causing him to not be able to perform, then she'd yell at him for it making things worse. Now, ever since her, as soon as he thinks about actually having sex he goes soft because of his mental association of how it went with her, and for fear of disappointing me/letting me down if he's not good. I try to help talk him out of it, telling him that I love him and could not be disappointed because of that. We respect each other to no end and have never had any arguments/emotional problems. He says he knows that I'm a different person, that I would never yell at him, but that he gets psyched out by thinking about actually having sex and doesn't know how to change it. When I'm going down on him he stays hard because he's not really "thinking" or doing anything himself, he's just feeling and enjoying. I keep thinking that if while I was giving him oral, if I could just quickly transition to inserting him inside me before him having a chance to think about it maybe he'd stay hard and that would help it along. However, we want to use condoms so that wouldn't work, and as soon as the condom comes out he of course can't help but think about having sex. What should I/we do? It breaks my heart that someone could have treated such a wonderful person as himself in that way and cause this to happen, but then again I guess if she realized how wonderful of a person he is perhaps they'd still be together and I wouldn't have gotten a chance. Like I said, everything else is great with him and we CAN make each other climax, but I want to be able to share this with him also. Thoughts? Thanks ahead of time. Link to comment
Billy Boy Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Viagara or Cialis works great!!! Link to comment
EssexMan Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 I suspect a lot of this is about crossing a hurdle - once he has successfully had full sex with you once or twice, the problem will start to fade as his confidence that he can do it returns. You might want to try it in stages. Stage 1 - get him not too far off coming through oral, then put a condom on and finish him off with oral or your hand if you prefer. Gets him used to the condom, and as importantly the brief interruption for putting it on, without associating it with the pressure to perform intercourse. Stage 2 - when that's second nature, start putting on the condom a little earlier. Stage 3 - when that's all fine, try full intercourse when he is really hard and not far off. Stage 4 - move to intercourse earlier and earlier. You probably won't want to follow those exactly but I think something along those lines might do the trick. Part of the problem is that stopping to put on the condom gives him a chance to think, and panic, about intercourse. (Been there.) You need to break that association. Link to comment
Moonphase Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Wow, poor guy! What a sad thing to imagine happening to someone. Sex requires you to be 100% vulnerable, and I can't believe someone would degrade and embarrass their partner like that. Y'all sound like a sweet couple. Maybe go to a sex therapist or something like that, try some homeopathic remedies....if nothing else can help, you can try Viagra. Link to comment
Devia Posted January 30, 2013 Author Share Posted January 30, 2013 Hey, thanks guys, I really appreciate it. I hadn't really thought about Viagra - I've never been with someone who used it and I thought it was only if someone had a physical problem and not a psychological one. If it works for psychological then I might bring it up to him. You probably won't want to follow those exactly but I think something along those lines might do the trick. Part of the problem is that stopping to put on the condom gives him a chance to think, and panic, about intercourse. (Been there.) You need to break that association. Thanks for the tips. Those steps sound like something we could try, before using the aid of drugs. Wow, poor guy! What a sad thing to imagine happening to someone. Sex requires you to be 100% vulnerable, and I can't believe someone would degrade and embarrass their partner like that. Y'all sound like a sweet couple. Maybe go to a sex therapist or something like that, try some homeopathic remedies....if nothing else can help, you can try Viagra. I know, it makes me angry that someone would treat him like that. I know there's always 2 sides to the story, and they weren't getting along, but no one deserves that sort of treatment. The thought of a therapist had crossed my mind, but it's already a sensitive subject and I have no idea what it's like being in his position and don't know if it would hurt or help to suggest something like that. Like I said, I care about him very much and am not in the relationship FOR the sex, but it is something that makes you closer in an already great relationship. So, I am extremely willing to be patient and do whatever I can to help him overcome it, but I do hope it will be solved eventually. I do not feel angry about him not being able to perform especially since he really wants to. He has assured me that this is not the case but sometimes I also can't help but feel as though if I were really great enough he wouldn't have this problem anymore. Link to comment
buddha55 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 What about getting him hard during oral, using a "penis ring", and then transitioning to inter course? Link to comment
EssexMan Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 sometimes I also can't help but feel as though if I were really great enough he wouldn't have this problem anymore. It's understandable you are concerned about this but I promise you, it is not about you, it is about worry and nervousness - which snowballs, because he is probably now at the point where he is nervous about being nervous. As well as finding ways to work round that, you need to: - talk about it to him openly (sounds like you are doing that - which is good - just knowing you're not having second thoughts about him because of it will make a big difference) - not set a deadline - and not treat a failure to maintain his erection as the end of a sexual encounter. If he loses it, the attitude needs to be "oh well, so what, we'll do something else in bed tonight". I'm sure you are taking those attitudes already. I wouldn't suggest a therapist to him at this point because that could make the problem sound far more serious than it is and just aggravate his lack of confidence. Link to comment
poetryandlyrics Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 What about getting him hard during oral, using a "penis ring", and then transitioning to inter course? Do NOT use a c--k ring, it is bad for the penis. May aid in this but I wouldn't suggest this. Link to comment
Devia Posted January 30, 2013 Author Share Posted January 30, 2013 Do NOT use a c--k ring, it is bad for the penis. May aid in this but I wouldn't suggest this. Okay great, thanks for telling me this as I have never used one and didn't know that. It's understandable you are concerned about this but I promise you, it is not about you, it is about worry and nervousness - which snowballs, because he is probably now at the point where he is nervous about being nervous. As well as finding ways to work round that, you need to: - talk about it to him openly (sounds like you are doing that - which is good - just knowing you're not having second thoughts about him because of it will make a big difference) - not set a deadline - and not treat a failure to maintain his erection as the end of a sexual encounter. If he loses it, the attitude needs to be "oh well, so what, we'll do something else in bed tonight". I'm sure you are taking those attitudes already. I wouldn't suggest a therapist to him at this point because that could make the problem sound far more serious than it is and just aggravate his lack of confidence. Thank you very much for your advice. I agree that now is not the time to recommend a therapist. That would make me come accross as impatient(as we have only been trying to have sex for about a week and a half) and I am not impatient, just worried about him emotionally and want him to be able to perform, if anything, for the sake of his confidence. I will keep reassuring him that I'm not having second thoughts because of this as you suggested, because it is very true. I am very happy to have him in my life and feel lucky that this is our only issue. Link to comment
EssexMan Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 we have only been trying to have sex for about a week and a half Oh right, it's really early days. Don't worry too much then, I'm sure he will be fine as he relaxes. Link to comment
Doc Blaze Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 I had this issue..probably the worst feeling in the world...and for the longest time..everything else was great...but when it was time to put on them condom..fail..it happen every once in a while... -does he put the condom on or you-maybe try putting it on for him or when he is putting it on do something to turn him on. kiss his neck..do something to him..you know what he likes.. maybe go back to foreplay with the condom on get him thinking about something else and then while the condom is on at the heat of the moment slide it in... Link to comment
buddha55 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Woah, woah, woah! Why wod safely using a c--k ring for 5 minutes or less be a bad thing? It's my understanding that if it is too small if can be damaging or if it is left on for extended amounts of time (hour plus) Care to elaborate? Link to comment
BlueEagle Posted February 2, 2013 Share Posted February 2, 2013 First of all, it sounds like you are a loving, patient, kind, reassuring, and understanding girlfriend. That's always helpful in situations like these when one partner isn't being angry, resentful, or leveling blame onto the other partner. Secondly, you might need to mix things up and ask him what might be helpful for him to get him where he needs to be (if this hasn't already been broached). It could be anything really: you wearing lingerie, strip tease, different poses, dirty talk (although this might be a problem since he was verbally abused by his ex), introducing food like whipped cream in the bedroom, using sex toys, watching porn together, etc. This can be challenging and none of it may work, but if you two are able to effectively communicate about these issues, and brainstorm on what might be beneficial, then it could be a step in the right direction. If all else fails though, perhaps a sex therapist might be advantageous. There seems to be some psychological issues going on that may not be too much for even you to help unravel. And that's okay, because this is really not his or your fault either. Especially with the help of seeing a qualified professional in this area of expertise, I think the determination of getting to the bottom of it and with continued patience and perseverance things should start to gradually improve. Link to comment
FYI Posted February 2, 2013 Share Posted February 2, 2013 It's just an obstacle that he has to learn to overcome in time. I'm not exactly sure how long you two have been involved, but it sounds as if his ex girlfriend has damaged his confidence by busting him out about going soft. It certainly is psychological, that's truth. Eventually in time things should get better. Link to comment
BlueEagle Posted February 2, 2013 Share Posted February 2, 2013 . I do not feel angry about him not being able to perform especially since he really wants to. He has assured me that this is not the case but sometimes I also can't help but feel as though if I were really great enough he wouldn't have this problem anymore. Try not to think this way. Our mind can be our very worst enemy and our insecurities can come pouring out. He has assured you that he really does want to improve and he's confided in you with full vulnerability that his ex mistreated him and verbally abused him. It seems reasonably evident that this is the cause of the problems. And that's certainly not having anything at all to do with you. Like I said, it sounds like you really are a great partner to him by being so committed, loving, caring, and patient with his situation. A lot of other people, at the first sign of trouble, would just assume he's not worth it, only focusing on the instant gratification part and not wanting to do solve problems for the sake of the relationship. In other words, when the going gets tough, they get going. But not you. I think you should be commended for this and how it really speaks to how much you love him. If other strategies don't work, then consider a sex therapist. I assure that this is not unusual and he's not some freak because of it and won't be viewed as such. I wish you the best in your situation. Link to comment
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