Seraphim Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 I have the court transcript from the prelimary hearing from when my uncle raped me back in 1980. Would there be any value in my counselor reading them? I recently within the last few days revealed to my mother some very old secrets, that I was also molested at age 6 some 40 years ago and drugged and raped at 19. For whatever reason I feel the need to finally have everything out. Maybe the impetus is my grandfather dying a few days ago. He always wanted my being raped by my uncle to be kept quiet as a family secret. Link to comment
iamkaylee Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 Victoria, I see no harm in it if you would like to let the therapist read it. In fact, if they will, I think it could be very helpful to you. One of the things that must be weighing on your mind all this time is an absolute sense of injustice. Your therapist may find some new insight reading the transcripts and be able to help you even more. I would ask, and if they're willing, go for it. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 20, 2013 Author Share Posted January 20, 2013 Yes ,I guess that is true they might see some insight in it. I do feel a huge sense of injustice but I am not sure yet what is going to heal that. Link to comment
iamkaylee Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 I don't know what might help heal that Victoria. It's something I carry around too and I've never found an answer beyond the fact that we all must face the Lord's justice come our judgement day. It is a comfort albeit a small one at times. I do hope your therapist can find some nuances in there though that could help you with many different things. You have a lot of pain from many different sources besides just your uncle. By going through the transcripts and exploring your feelings, you may find some things you hadn't realized were there yet. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 20, 2013 Author Share Posted January 20, 2013 I don't know what might help heal that Victoria. It's something I carry around too and I've never found an answer beyond the fact that we all must face the Lord's justice come our judgement day. It is a comfort albeit a small one at times. I do hope your therapist can find some nuances in there though that could help you with many different things. You have a lot of pain from many different sources besides just your uncle. By going through the transcripts and exploring your feelings, you may find some things you hadn't realized were there yet. I've gone through them many times over the years. What sticks out is how lost I was. What else that sticks out is everybody had their own agenda. Everybody wanted to live their own life. I was thrown completely into an adult world at 13 and was expected to navigate that. My mom wasn't there and I was just thrown to the sharks so to speak. It was scary to read them again last night. All the people that had plotted against me. My uncle , my own father and my father's girlfriend. It was like nobody was doing their job and truly they were not. Even my mother should've known my father and his family better than that. She just wanted to believe and hope and dream that he would someday be better. I get to pay for those mistakes though. She does too though because she said she bears more guilt than I will ever dream of knowing. That she let her wishes for him being better come above protecting her children. And that she listen to so-called professionals when they told her it was better for her to stay with him for my sake. She said in hindsight she would have absolutely done everything completely different. Link to comment
iamkaylee Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 Aye, my dear. Those are some of the very nuances I hope your therapist can help you explore. Perhaps it will help, perhaps not, but trying can not hurt. I've read through a lot of my court documents many times also. Each time I come away with a renewed sense of anger, injustice and just plain dumbfounded. I finally stopped reading all of them and locked the mess away. I will never understand much of it but after talking things through with my therapist, I do finally understand more my deep mistrust of our legal system, my anger, and why I am so guarded and suspicious around women. I do think it's wonderful the way you and your mother can talk and you never cease to amaze me with your strength. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 I think it is my mother which is part of the reason I am so strong. At the same time I cling to her too much for comfort. I have been told I have to learn to self comfort. Because when she's gone I will fall apart. This is true I need to learn to rely more so upon myself in an emotional sense. It is complicated. It was VERY uncomfortable to tell her what I said the other day and it is still not comfortable. It is in fact giving me a lot of stress. I just do not want people close to me to be THAT close to me. It is intensely uncomfortable. But I need to get over that. Link to comment
iamkaylee Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Victoria, you are like a great artist's vision. Always a work in progress, yet becoming more beautiful every day. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 Victoria, you are like a great artist's vision. Always a work in progress, yet becoming more beautiful every day. Awwws you are wonderful! Thank you. Link to comment
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