"I'm not good enough for someone like you" - Could this be the truth?

[CutieGirl]

When my ex broke up with me he was going through a lot of self-doubt and depression (so he says). He had been sober for 2 yrs after 40 yrs of alcohol abuse. I was the first meaningful relationship for him "sober". I treated him like a king and completely accepted him for who he was. I supported him, made lots of home cooked meals for him and gave him lots of special "attention". I know how to make a man feel special.

 

I know for a fact that he wasn't cheating. He said he DID want to fight for the relationship, but then he started becaming unsure about everything.

 

Basically he said the reason he was breaking up with me was because he didn't feel he can be what I deserved in a man and that he wasn't not good enough for us to be together anymore. I couldn't help but to blame myself, I thought if I just had some amazing supernatural wisdom from God then I could have been able to keep him from leaving. I know that's crazy, but I was doing all I could to just make him content. Somehow I felt his unhappiness was because he wasn't happy with ME and I had to prevent that.

 

Anyway, I often suspect that when men say things like that it's just an excuse. I think they just don't want you anymore.

 

I suppose I need to know how likely it is that the real reason a man is leaving a loving relationship is because he actually feels really bad about himself?

[Ayanokōji]

Its because he realizes what he needs to be when he wants to be with you and notices that its too difficult/requires too much willpower to keep the changes. After he breaks up with you I bet he will go back to his old ways.

[jenna-is-here]

I often wonder this myself as I have heard it in the past too.

 

Was there anything that happened where he felt HE could not make YOU happy? Where he felt unsuccessful? Can you remember anything that may have triggered hitm to say they?

 

The beauty of it is, sounds like you treated him like a king. You can have ZERO guilt or regrets because it sounded like you gave him all your love and loved him unconditionally. I don't think people realize how amazing that is until they go and try and replicate it and find its nearly impossible to find someone else that will treat them so good.

 

Also I know you mentioned he is sober after a very long time (sober while dating you). Does he feel shame and guilt about not being sober all those years which may be coming out now?

 

It's hard to say without saying more bi do think some people say it that way as to not hurt us when it could really be something else. Frustrating.

[Deciduous]

Hi CutieGirl,

 

To paraphrase the words of John Gray,

 

 

 

In the process of giving to this man, you subjugated a lot of your own needs. The task is to understand why, so that this pattern doesn't repeat itself.

 

It's tempting to say, because I loved him, but I think the reasons are deeper than that. Something about these dynamics was familiar to you.

 

Usually these dynamics occur because one partner feels that they need to earn love. That love is not automatically deserved or freely given, simply because they are them. They must prove themselves worthy. Usually they are trying to correct an unfortunate dynamic from childhood. They are trying to win love.

 

The heart-breaking irony is that they unconsciously pick partners who cannot be won over, and do not have the capacity to care and cherish them.

 

 

Deci

[FYI]

I've learned throughout my dating life that not everyone can function in a productive, pain-free relationship. Thus, not all people are relationship kind of people. Similar to a person's office at work. It's cluttered, papers everywhere, folders on top of a folders, you can barely see the desk. The office is a complete wreck, but it's theirs and they know how to get to stuff when they need to. It's just their own little world and chances are they wouldn't be happy people in a clean office space.

 

A relationship is kind of like that. Some like their office space neat, tidy, everything to the point, within reach or eyesight; easy to find or locate. Whereas sometimes there are people who just prefer and function much better when things are in disarray or at the last mintue. So to translate, you prefer a relationship that is straight forward, honest, sincere, committed and you give 150% of yourself. There are no secrets, no hidden passages, backdoors or anything slick or sly. You are ready and squared away. You just need a good dance partner. Your ex boyfriend is the complete opposite, his life unfortunately due to alcoholism has been chaotic and for 40 years he's been used to living in that world.

 

I dated a woman once, treated her like an absolute queen. I'm very much the romantic, rub your feet, here's a warm meal and your bath water is waiting for you kind of guy. Her previous relationship was out of control. She got to fisticuffs with her ex boyfriends, coming to blows. They cursed at each other, kicked each other out of the house. Yelled, screamed at each other, fought all the time, but they were in love before it ended. It was very much the cliche' hollywood romance that most immature women fancy. So when we finally started dating and there was no chaos, there was no drama and dinner was cooked and on the table every night with a glass of Zanfidel Wine. When there was no cursing, no fisticuffs, little worries, little problems, she felt out of her element. All the time she would tell me she didn't deserve to be with me and I couldn't figure out why. Inevitably, things ended between us and as I predicted she went back to what she was used to. She went back to the life she knew. The lies, the drama, the back and forth squabbles. Trust me, it wasn't like I wasn't putting it down or anything like that. That was just the type of relationship she wanted. Her life has already been somewhat chaotic, her father absent in her life, no other positive male figures in her life to emulate, so she learned on her own, from the street.

 

That's where your ex boyfriend is coming from and where he's planning on going back to because it's safe inside of that bubble. There's a science behind that whole thing.

[CutieGirl]

Yeah. It's a hard pill to swallow, but I can only imagine that the lesson to be learned is "ration out how much you love your man" One month before he left he went through a health scare, so yeah I DID dig in. I didn't know what to do but try to be there when he needed, diappear when he didn't. I just tried to love him harder. I wasn't going to leave the man I loved and difinitely when he was scare he was gonna die.

[Deciduous]

Yeah. It's a hard pill to swallow, but I can only imagine that the lesson to be learned is "ration out how much you love your man" One month before he left he went through a health scare, so yeah I DID dig in. I didn't know what to do but try to be there when he needed, diappear when he didn't. I just tried to love him harder. I wasn't going to leave the man I loved and difinitely when he was scare he was gonna die.

 

Hello CutieGirl,

 

Oh no! You shouldn't be ashamed of loving and taking care of another human being. That is never ever a negative thing. You should be proud of that. Kindness and compassion isn't a sin. This isn't about having to ration, or hide or deny your love for another person.

 

Quite the opposite. It is being in a relationship where you are absolutely free to celebrate this side of yourself and experience it coming back to you in spades. Nobody is keeping score because every-one is getting what they need in abudance. This is about understanding that you are also as a human being, and need that love back to feel good. You deserve it back. You are good enough.. You have every right to expect it back, without feeling emotionally drained, repeatedly by your partner.

 

This isn't about loving any less. It is about loving even more, and understanding that you are worth the effort too. Love should not be about one person endlessly giving to another. You have your own needs as well.

 

At moment you are going through a devastating heartbreak. I have been in your shoes and I know that it hurts soooooo much. But when the hurting was done - and boy did it take a while - I came out so much stronger and so much more confident. It was a very bitter journey as I had to live next door to him for another two years. Awful, awful time.

 

But the experience changed me in a positive way. I became much more loving...TO ME. I worked out where my boundaries were. I finally worked out what I deserved, I began to attracting different relationships. I could just be me. I didn't need to come with bonus additions of endless giving.

 

But you know what. You did the best that you could at the time. You did what you thought was kindest and most compassionate. You tried to make the right choices.

 

There is only lesson to learn from this relationship. Your kindness and your extradinary compassion must extend to yourself.

 

For me this all happened ten years ago - and I still refuse to friend that guy on face-book, despite numerous requests. He may have been a wonderful teacher, but it's not the sort of favour I want to thank him for, the pillock!

 

All the best

 

Deci

[Throwaway999]

Anyway, I often suspect that when men say things like that it's just an excuse. I think they just don't want you anymore.

 

I suppose I need to know how likely it is that the real reason a man is leaving a loving relationship is because he actually feels really bad about himself?

 

Not just men, but people. I've heard the same thing before, and I'm a dude. "You deserve somebody who really appreciates you!"

 

I don't want to say this to be hurtful, but I'm going to be blunt. He is saying that because he has some respect for your feelings. The truth would be too harsh, which is that he just doesn't want you anymore.

 

Really, whatever the reasons or rationalizations somebody gives you don't matter. Look at the bottom line. The bottom line is that somebody doesn't break up with somebody that they really want.