Looking for Something that Doesn't Exist?

[Princess777]

I'm wondering lately if I am a total oddball, and if anyone thinks like I do regarding relationships.

 

My relationship with my husband has always been my number one priority, for as long as I can remember. I know I shouldn't expect too much so I'm not disappointed, and put so much faith in a person, and I should love myself first, yada yada yada... but the way I feel is, when I go to my grave, I don't ever picture myself saying "Man I wish I'd spent more time with my friends, or at work." I want to know that I gave the most important person in my life 100%, and I want someone to do the same for me. That's why my most prized personal goal is to find a person who treasures me in the same WAY I treasure them. But it always ends up the same way: I'm not enough for anyone. They always say they want to have more friends, do other things without me, etc., like I'm smothering them. I wonder if there are any guys out there who LIKE to be around only ONE person like I do. I only have one true friend, other than my partner. But I don't tell her things like I used to. Everyone else I meet always has an ulterior motive or they get drunk or high all the time and I don't surround myself with these people because I do not want to be like them. I have a hard time with wasting time.

 

Who is to say that it is WRONG to only want one person in your life? Every time I try to make new friends, they stab me in the back and cannot be trusted. I don't want any new friends. I only want to live my life with my husband and that's it. Is that so wrong? No one, including counseling, has ever been able to help me with this. It's just how I think. Does anyone else think the same way or should I just give up on having a relationship? I don't know if I want to change to "fit" into society's idea of a relationship which is defined as "more rounded" with more friends and activities, etc.

That's just not me.

[asdf1234]

I don't think you should worry about it. I know a woman who is Filipino, and she is exactly the same way. She's had friends that ended up stabbing her in the back, so she's become very cautious about making new friends, although her personality is extremely sociable and she's normally the life of the party. She has often said, "We are each other's best friend. He doesn't have that many close friends, and the friend sI've had ended up hurting me. We are there for each other." And she's been married for almost 20 years to her husband.

 

You know what makes you happy, and you don't need anyone else to tell you that you're doing something wrong.

[OceanEyes]

I wonder if there are any guys out there who LIKE to be around only ONE person like I do.

 

My boyfriend is a lot like that. On more than one occasion, he's told me that he "doesn't need" other people, and that he is totally content just hanging out with me. I, however, am not the same. I have a very outgoing personality and love having friends that I can call up, do things with, talk to, etc. I love my boyfriend, but I can't just be around him all the time. I get really sick of him if we're around each other too much. When this happens I get really irritable with him, which isn't fair!

 

You're not alone in feeling this way. You want to have a soul mate who compliments and completes your being. It isn't wrong to feel this way, but I also think it is important to be able to relate to people other than your husband. It is important to be able to talk to another girlfriend about things that bother you, since men don't always understand us, or want to hear about sensitive feminine issues.

 

I think it's also important to have interests outside of your relationship because if you have too much time/ energy to spend on the actual relationship, it can get too boring and predictable. One person will usually get restless and need a bit more excitement.

[Princess777]

So do you think I'm with the wrong person when they tell me that they do not think like I do when it comes to this issue? I'm not sure this is something that I can overcome. How can someone just stop feeling the desire of closeness that I do? It seems that every time I start to really trust someone and get really close to them, they pull out some crap like this and it just makes me lose faith in finding what I really want, and my brick wall goes back up. It takes me a LONG time to trust anyone, and as soon as I start to think that "yeah, this person is trustworthy, they're not going to hurt me, etc.", they pull this rabbit out of their hat and say "you're not enough for me". At least that's what I hear. Maybe I'm with the wrong person. The rejection is killing me. Just when I thought things were looking up.

[tiger_lilies]

Hi Princess777,

 

I have to agree with OceanEyes...simply because I know my own personality and I love being around other people. But I fully understand what you are getting at because when I was living with my ex, we stopped hanging out with our other friends. It became just me and him and I think that was the starting of the downfall spiral of our relationship.

 

Basically things became very predictable and redundant. It became hard to make things fun and exciting. But becuase we relied on each other so much, we were all that we had. It was comforting and secure.

 

Of course we broke up for other reasons, but my lesson learned is that with my next serious relationship, I will try to make time for my friends and have some quality time alone. I will try not to lose myself in someone again. I suppose it's all about a healthy balance. Just my two cents!

[tiger_lilies]

Someone told me once that when you decide to be with someone (serious relationship) then you are giving that person "permission" or the "opportunity" to really hurt you. The more you love, the more will hurt. I don't know if love comes without pain. I'd love for someone to prove me wrong!

[Princess777]

I agree, and I hate that. I'd give nearly anything to stop caring so much and to stop taking everything personally.

[sweetpea4670]

Princess, Im exactly the same way (sort of a source of problems in my relationship with my boyfriend of two years). I am in love with the idea of being completely connected to jsut one person and needing nobody else. Jsut having one person know everything about you, share everything with, put all your love into, everything. I know exactly what you mean. I have friends and everything, but nobody as close as my boyfriend. That's what I hope for in a husband. To answer your question, I think the kind of relationship you and I desire does not exist. It's a question of compromising with a man who simply isn't quite so social (like my boyfriend

[Princess777]

Yes, I think it has something to do with the fact that I possess an idealistic way of thinking, which, I've discovered, more specifically is less than 3% of the population.

 

Wonder if that 3% could ever get together....? 8) What are the odds... ha ha

 

Thank you all for your comments, I really appreciate knowing that I'm not the only one, and that others don't really condemn it but rather understand it. I think it has a lot to do with the way we were raised, too.

[OceanEyes]

If I spend too much time with my man, and not enough "me time" or time with other people, I start to find flaw in everything he does. He will start driving me crazy by the sound of his chewing, the way he leaves water all over the floor after a shower (for me to slip on!), never refilling the Brita, drinking milk right out of the carton, etc. These are things that I would normally laugh at or find somewhat cute, but if we spend every minute of the day together, I'll snap over these things. That's when I know I need "me time".

 

Another negative is that I will actually look to pick fights with him if things get too boring. If we're always just sitting around together doing the same thing day in and out, it's simply too predictable. I don't do it on purpose, but boredom will drive me to some very erratic behaviour! Poor guy, I should send him over to your house! lol

 

You're not wrong for feeling like you do Princess, and you're right - it probably does have something to do with how you were raised. If your mother and father were inseparable, then you would probably feel more comfortable having your man around all the time also.

[Princess777]

Ironically, my dad was an alcoholic and always left and went out drinking without my mom (my mom doesn't drink) and they rarely did ANYTHING together.

 

I didn't understand it and vowed I'd never allow my marriage to come to that. That's probably why I feel the way I feel. I know that he will look back one day and regret his actions.

 

I know that a good balance of both is probably the best way to go, but it's just letting go enough to allow that to happen is what is excruciating to me. It's why I fear it when the subject comes up of him doing something without me. My parents ruined me in that aspect.... Plus I've been cheated on several times, once after 10 years of marriage to a man who didn't fit the cheater profile at ALL. Everyone was aghast when it happened, including me. I think the childhood pain of seeing my mom lonely and sad all the time plus the cheating really did a number on me. It's so hard to change. I really, really wish I could.