How would you deal with this type of girl???

[PatMurphy]

I posted a couple days ago about a girl I dated but I ask this question to see if anyone has dealt with this or how you went about it.

 

I dated a girl who was an emotional brick wall. This seems to be the kind of girl that flock to me, which happens to also be the type that I can't stand. Display emotions was impossible for her to do, which I don't understand. The same old "past relationship" issue thing, the "i got hurt" thing, the "i don't trust anybody"thing. I think everyone has these issues, including me, but i think it's unhealthy to not deal with it correctly. I don't understand when people get comfortable with opening up, like she did, they freak themselves out, and slam shut again?! Well, a that is, is a curve-ball to person like me, who understands these problems and actually knows how to deal with them.

 

Regardless, after she scared herself enough, I got the boot, and the blame. I was told, by a very uncertain voice she think it's best we don't talk anymore. Being told something like that, I voice my unhappiness with her decision, and told her i was crushed. But she didn't say anything, she sat there, so basically said "later" and hung up.

 

Two weeks of NC, guess who gets a call??? It was a very generic "testing the waters" kinda call. But I think i might have overstepped my bounds, I basically said "why are u contacting me???". No answer, she actually seemed defensive, aloof, and uncomfortable. And i said "I thought we weren't supposed to speak again" Which i got no answer. After 2 weeks of no-contact, i had to speak my mind. I did, now i regret that i did. I did so because i was upset at the fact she never mentioned what happened.

I am the type of person that, when I know i'm wrong, or i have made a mistake, or hurt someone before i say ANYTHING I admit my mistake and apologize if i have to.

 

I don't feel I need to contact her, if she wants to talk, she can contact me. But dealing with a person like so, should I just be as aloof as she is, or should I speak my mind? I am crazy about this.

[antzca2000]

she called to try and fix things but you went offensive on her. I think you should have been nice and since you werent, why not call her and and say you were having a bad day?

 

And then try to see whats wrong with her, try and talk things out or w/e.

[SanShou]

I think if anything, you should just be as aloof as she is. Really my friend you should not be involved with someone like that. You know how important communication is. If she is not keeping the lines of communication open to you, then what can you do? I had a relationship of that nature and it really caused issues for me you know? I was lost as to how to deal with the relationship. I know what you mean in being attracted to emotionally unstable women. That seems to be the irony of life... But you have to have to have to get something positive out of the relationship too besides physical positivity. It is vital for the relationship to grow. Or else you will keep kidding yourself that she will change, You are doing good with no contact, that should make her take a position and realize the risk she is taking in acting in such a manner.

[antzca2000]

^ya but maybe shes got an issue shes gotta deal with, and for you to leave her without trying to solve the problem with her would make everything worse for her life.

[RayKay]

I dated a girl who was an emotional brick wall. This seems to be the kind of girl that flock to me, which happens to also be the type that I can't stand.

 

Well....this might be a rather black and white call and take it for what it's worth - but if you don't like these types of girls, then stop bothering yourself with them and with her. Many people are a little guarded at first, but if they STAY that way, then well, you deserve a lot better my man. There are plenty of girls out there who are open, have big heart and are ready to have an emotional commitment and sharing relationship. They are out there

 

Maybe look at why you attract these kinds of girls though?

[jhartley2]

It seems to me that this girl has serious issues trusting anybody (thus the statement "I don't trust anybody.") If you want to go back to her then you need to know that YOU NEED TO STATE YOUR MIND. If she's having problems opening herself up to you, you need to set an example for her by opening yourself up. If you don't tell her that she needs to change, not only will she be under the hallucination that she can treat you like she does and it's OK, but in the future, she won't know to change for anybody else. If you care about her (with or without her) you should be telling her that it is abnormal to be treating you as she does.

 

As for this specific incident, the burden of reply lies on you if you want to contact her again. (You might scream WHY??, she hurt me) But, she did try to contact you. You were right in being upset, but if you ever want to be with this girl again in a thriving relationship, you need to be purely honest with her about how you feel. I have no idea how much you like this one, but I know how I finally ended my dating spree of women such as this.

 

I had a girlfriend who used to treat me the same way. "I've been hurt so many times," "I don't want to tell you about that," "The last time I got too serious I got hurt." I told her each time it wasn't fair for me to be spending time with her without getting to know her. In the end, I told her "good-bye" and that if she wanted a relationship with me, she can call me when she's willing to change for me as I had changed for her. On Oct. 2 this month, we got married after a year and a half together. From that point on, when I said enough, we both knew we would have to change if we wanted to be with each other. That's one of the most important parts of a relationship, willing to give sacrifices for each other. But, it goes both ways.

[PatMurphy]

Actually, I am not atracted to these types of girls, it seems that they are attracted to me, like they hunt me out. I feel i should i be aloof as she is, but i figure it's too late, because i already put the ball in her court and said "hey, i still have feelings for you..." which i don't know if i should of because she kinda skirted around the statement (which is not unusual). I think that since im such a "good guy" when I hear how bad her previous relationships were, it makes me want to make a positive change in her life. She was so happy that thats the way i was, but after awhile she treated me the same way as everyone before her. She finally backed out, and i was like okay. I don't want her to think that i am going to be there for her, let her realize what she lost. (I hope) but i think i blew that oppritunity by saying "i still have feelings", i mean, gee, it's only been 2 weeks. You can't just turn stuff off that fast. And for her to contact me this fast, but be this "aloof" just makes me mad. Grow up and say what u have to say! I would. So since i said that i missed her and still had feelings, i at least got it off my chest, but i think i need to just back off, and not go after her. Let her miss me, and let her be the one to realize her mistake and ADMIT to it. Sometimes a simple apology is all it takes, but is the hardest thing to get.

[IsiahsCowgirl]

Okay take advice from someone who WAS an emotional brick wall..

 

I was hurt many times by guys...and others.. it got to where I didnt trust anyone, not even my own parents.. I didnt want any friends.. the only things I trusted were animals...

 

It takes a very special person, who really knows how to handle someone who's that emotionally standoff-ish....

 

Us human brick walls tend to very often see kindness as "what can I get out of you, if I am nice to you" and it takes a long long time before we realize someone is being sensere... I know it's hard to understand.. but it really sounds like that girl really just needs someone to stand by her NO MATTER WHAT... until she does she wont be able to fix her problem... thanks to my bf and my little sister, I can now say, my walls are starting to crumble and I'm finally free of that torture, and yes it IS TORTURE not being able to trust anyone.

[PatMurphy]

Thank u for ur post. As it helps me understand her angle alittle better. It is so evident to me when someone puts up the wall. And I've heard it all "you'll have to break down the walls" "It takes awhile for me to open up" "i have a hard time with relationships" "i can't believe u put up with all my stuff" "I can't trust anyone" "i have no-one i can trust" "i can never get anything off the ground" "My mom says I need to let someone in"... I've heard it all. And i did just about everything i could have done, just to be tossed in the end. And thats what hurts. When she just called, i said what i had to, but to no avail. So what to do? Sit there and let her miss me? persue her? or say later,dude!?

I TRULEY believe i am that person that can really help someone out and make a meaningful relationship the flourishes, and I'd love to help someone, but I dont know what to do.

[IsiahsCowgirl]

Call her.. tell her you only said what you thought you needed to.. but that you'd like to be friends...

 

Friendship is the key to breaking down the walls that loom so heavy above her... but it has to be unconditional friendship... you cant get upset everytime she throws that wall back up... when she starts to open up... just listen quietly... and remember, that's a sign of her wanting to open up, wanting to trust you, and that's really the first step, when she WANTS to trust you, you can see it when she tries to open up... but remember she may begin to doubt that she can really trust you and up goes that wall.. PATIENCE, UN-CONDITIONAL LOVE, FRIENDSHIP, AND LOYALTY... they help more than anything.. just listen to her... not just her words, but her actions, her expressions, each one tells a story...

 

If you want you can PM me and I'll correspond with you there too..

 

Stephanie