I thought I was over her... and now I want her back???????

[alittleoverlife]

It really upsets me to know that I can't stop thinking about her. I guess all this time I am still confused and hurt by what she did. Maybe this is just a relapse, or maybe this is really how I feel and all this time I have been lying to myself to try and make me feel better.

 

Maybe now it really is too hard to suppress those feelings, or is it that I just don't want to anymore? It's upsetting though, because I really don't want to feel this way, I don't want to continue to kill myself over someone who no longer cares about me. I wish all my questions could be answered, that I could know everything that I need to know, and that I could finally get some closure from all of this.

 

You know, that is probably why I am feeling this way. I need to know so much, because so much was left unanswered, and that has made everything exceptionally hard. Or maybe it is merely because of the weather change, because a change in weather often changes ones attitude. It is miserable though, only because I know I need to be letting go, and besides, I thought I had let go before.

 

 

But why now? Why after all this time does it have to hurt worse than it did in the beginning, why does my heart yearn now after so long, more than it ever has before? I don't want this feeling anymore, I don't want to have to fight to keep my smile bright, and I just don't want to go outside and encounter life alone anymore.

 

 

I just can't get over these feelings, and it has been so long, I should be over everything right now. There is so much for me out there, and yet I am stuck looking at the one person that I know isn't looking in my direction. And the worst thing is it hasn't always been like this. For a while, about a month or so, I was looking at the sunrise, not at her, and finally feeling like I could go on through it all. And then, all of a sudden, I drop to my knees, and am suddenly chained by these feelings again.

 

I hear about all these people who had to "officially" get the break up, to get the "I need space" or "I'm not in love with you anymore" and although they seem to be having it rough, I feel like I am having it just as bad, and I am way past the initial stages. It's because I didn't get that, somehow we skipped over that and went simply to not talking. It was like " I love you and want to marry you" one day, to nothing the next. And it has been that way for three months since.

 

Do I even know anything? No, I don't. It's really weird too. I go to the same school and yet have seen her only once since the break up. I don't want to do NC anymore, I don't want to not talk to her, and I just want to be with her. But I could never break it, because it has been too long now, I would seem like such a loser.

 

I have lost her, and I don't even know what I did! How am I supposed to learn from this if I don't know what happened? I want to let go so bad, to go back to before I met her, to erase everything from my memory, because I cant get past her if everything I do reminds me of her. I breathe and I think of her. I sleep and I constantly dream about her. I fall and I think about her. I cry and I think about her. I even think about her when I'm eating dinner.

 

Why? Why me? Why did I have to meet this perfect girl if it was just going to end without anything to end it? I know she kissed another guy, which is cheating in my book, but that was nothing. She said it showed her that she was madly in love with me, that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, and then three months goes by with nothing? There wasn't even a goodbye for our relationship, let alone our friendship.

 

Sure she has written to me once or twice, but not to apologize, just to ask me why I can't talk to her, or how she is happy to see I am doing so well. Well, how does she know that? She is my world, and I can't goon without her. Oh how I fought for months to make myself feel better, and now three months later, I feel worse.

 

Yeah I felt better for a long time, for about a month she maybe crossed my mind twice, but now, she has struck me like never before. I can't get her out of my mind, let alone my heart. I never asked to have this to happen to me, and I really wish it wasn't like this.

 

It's been so long, such a hard journey, and I am getting tired of it all. Why does this have to continue to happen to me? I thought I was over it all, and I really felt better. But, I don't know what happened to me, something just made me fall back into this position of despair and misery. It hurts badly too, and now I really feel a hundred times worse than I did. Why worse than before?

 

Nothing I have done has done any good, and I probably lost her forever. I just want her back so badly, maybe not forever, but just to talk to her once, to sit down and have coffee for twenty minutes, and just hear everything as to why this happened this way.

 

I am doing NC to heal myself, and yet I wait everyday in hopes that she'll contact me!! Why do I do that to myself? She never will, and I will never know why I wasn't the one. Maybe she does want to grow, maybe she doesn't love me, maybe I was the guinea pig "first boyfriend" that she needed to transition herself into the real world.

 

Maybe I made too many mistakes, and now I can't make up for them. Maybe I was wrong to make her feel like the most beautiful person ever, to know that she had a perfect figure, to make her more outgoing, to allow her to become this person that I knew she could be. Maybe that's why she left me, because I made her so much better, got her so much more comfortable, that she decided I wasn't good enough all of a sudden. Maybe I did make too many mistakes.

 

This is why nice guys finish last. The better you make a girl feel by being nice, the more she feels better than you deserve. But she really wouldn't do that, she was so sweet. We were so perfect together and I don't understand why it is over.

 

Will she ever come back? Am I doing things all wrong, by keeping up NC although it kills me everyday? I just want to look at her one more time, to hear why she left me, to just simply know. I don't care about anything else, and that is killing me too. I want it to be over, for my slate to be clean, and for my pain to be wiped away. It should've never returned. Why did it come back and come back stronger than ever? Ill never know, and that at least I know…

 

I just really want her back... we were so perfect... beyond anything I had ever felt before...

[Mix Maxster]

Gotta love the "oneitis" syndrome a lot of us have.

 

Listen man, I would go over your post myself if I were you and have you tell me why you lost her.

 

Here's another thing, I know for me I would give anything to have back what I had before because of the belief I WILL NEVER FIND IT AGAIN, but there's two things. 1) you'll be heavily disappointed if you sit here and want and wish and pray for her coming back and 2) that you're creating the problem within yourself, you want her back and that's ok but the more you make it out like it was so perfect the more it's not going to happen. Really, she was just one girl out of many and she's NOT the only one who will make you feel happy or loved NO MATTER WHAT you say. There's SO MANY GIRLS. Don't even start with the "Soul mate" this and "we were in love like no one else" stuff because mostly EVERYONE on this part of the forum has a different situation with a similar sounding story.

 

Look I know how much you want her back because I want my ex back, but I'm too tired talking about it to tell you why I want her back and blah blah blah it's pointless and it doesn't get me anywhere. It won't get you anywhere either, she's not going to come back so really the sooner you find someone else the better. That's how I'm going at it and between you and me, I'm not cheating the new girl at all. If my ex comes back and I'm dating then two things either 1) tough beans for her or 2) if the other girl i'm dating hasn't really caught my interest, then i will guage my ex's interest and want in making it work a second time and if it's greater than the need to date my current gf, I will think about leaving her for my ex.

 

In other words, I take on opportunities as they come not hope for them.

[hurtbylove]

It's ok, I still feel the same way about my ex. The same feelings of being lost and lonely. And it's been like 6 months since we have broken up.

 

I really feel like im just being obsessive now, and I can sense it. But I can't seem to do anything about it either..

 

Man, the last thing she needs is me still pining over her when she has long since moved on. She probably thinks I'm doing fine, but when in reality it still hurts each and every day.

 

So in short I know how you feel. There was a time in my life when I did feel like I was over her, but now It's gotten a little worse.

 

Seriously, I could have written the same post you did. I am still left wondering what happened, why things didn't work out. Why she doesn't want to try anymore..

 

But think about it, this has passed for a long time in the real world. Maybe not in our minds, but it really has been over for a long time. Sitting her down and forcing her to tell you why things didn't work out between you two is not going to make things better. I wish I could pry the truth out of her brain too.

 

I don't know what to say, because I'm really no better than you and have these similar thoughts everyday.

 

But she left because she thinks she can find better than you. My ex left because she thinks there is better than me out there. People are selfish. Saying someone is too good for you is a lie. They are really the ones hurting us, yet we are so willing to forgive and forget

[alittleoverlife]

I totally understand where both of you are coming from. I know it is unproductive and I am setting myself up for more pain by hoping that she is coming back, but the truth is that although my brain knows what to do, my heart doesn't. I hope one day my mind and heart can be united again, and then I wont have to feel one way and think another.

 

And I dont want to force any information out of her, I dont want to find out why by prying into her mind. I want her to come to me, to tell me why because she wants to, not because I have made her.

 

And I know so many people on this forum have the similar "We were perfect, and he/she is the only one in the world for me" and I'm not arguing that maybe she wasn't the one, but three months is a long time, and the fact is, I am around a ton of women every day, and none of them attract me anymore.

 

this is because I am tainted now, and my heart has been closed off to the rest of the world. Every woman I see doesnt interest me, and that is pitiful, because what else does a man have to live for if he doesnt find women interesting?

 

And I know it's not the end of the world, I mean, I wasn't like this before, I was perfectly fine without her, and then suddenly I couldnt get her out of my mind. She haunts me now, and I think it sucks. My heart really wants her back and I can feel it, but honestly, My brain does not want her back. She left me, and I know this, but my heart doesn't understand that she is not coming back

 

Its horrible, but I have to live with it, and just act happy and one day I will be back to being happy.

[Mix Maxster]

And thinking that your world is over without her may have been the reason for all of this. Do you have any idea what kind of position that puts a girl in? When they're your entire world? Even if you didn't say it, sometimes just thinking about it can leak out into your behaviour or actions around her.

 

I know for me I didn't find other girls to be attractive because I still hadn't accepted that my ex was gone, a huge part of me believed she was coming back. I huge part wanted me to believe that and because I felt I lost such a great person, I placed all these other women on a lower level thinking NONE of them could match my ex when really that's the silliest thing ever. Women aren't so rare to find where only one in the entire world sparks your interest and has you fall in love for them, that's just not the case or there'd be a lot more single girls.

[hurtbylove]

It's really a case of knowing what is wrong, knowing what you have to do, but just being unable to do it.

 

I know I should be over her, and not thinking about her, and moving on with my life.

 

Think about this. They didn't put you into the situation that you are in. It is a personal battle with yourself. It's no longer her responsibility, she is not commited to you anymore. You have to fix yourself. I have to fix myself.

 

Some of it for me is just learning to be happy with who I am, which I am not really. It is depressing for me day in and day out. Life is still full of ups and downs, occasionally I really do feel ok.

 

 

I know exactly what I need to be doing, but I'm just being.. blocked somehow, by my heart or whatever force.

 

Hey alittleoverlife, I'm in the same place you are, I was with her for about 3 months, and it did feel like a long time. I haven't spoken to her for many months now.

 

I still think about her all the time. And I know that she doesn't think about me anymore. She feels like she made the right decision and is probably happy now, because she didn't come back to me. I want to walk away from this because she has hurt me a lot, but I just seem to love to stick my neck out there just to be hurt again.

 

I don't think it's her fault anymore. I have get through this personal hell myself.

[alittleoverlife]

Everyone is right, and I am no longer going to allow myself to be controlled by another person that no longer is in my life.

 

I am done asking why or even caring about this girl. She lost me forever, and even if I lost her as well, it just wasn't meant to be. I dont want to beat myself up over what I could've done different, because the fact is, I will find someone who will love me for who I really am, flaws and all. Maybe she wasn't strong enough to deal with my imperfections, and that is why she ran as soon as some of those began to show.

 

She is the weak one, not me. She left because she didnt want to ( and this is key) try to make our relationship work. It either was perfect or she couldnt take it. That is why she stayed so long, because for that time before I gave her everything, and when I suddenly couldn't be there at every second of the day b/c of work, she packed her bags and left.

 

what she did show me is that I am not only the stronger person, but that she is not the girl I thought she was. she told me constantly that she would never give up on me, that we would be able to work through anything, and then when we really had to, she left.

 

So yes, I will not think about her anymore no matter how much I want to. I will concentrate on my own life, and she can do whatever she pleases. I do not want to have anything more to do with her and I dont want to love her anymore. She is unwilling to fight for my love, then why should I give it to her? I am done with it all, and the only thing I regret is meeting someone like her. If I had not, I would not be feeling this way.

 

She was a waste of my time, my money, my energy, and especially my love. You give a girl the world, and the more she wants to run away from it.

 

Well at least I can say I learned that, and the next time I run into another girl that I may have a slight interest in, I will put my defense up, to make sure I only give her bits and pieces, like a bird I give crumbs to. Instead of throwing the whole bag at once, I will just throw a little out, until she finally learns that in that bag is a ton of crumbs with her name on it.

 

I am thankful for everyone's replies, they have really opened up my eyes. As I'm writing this, a lot of my sadness and grief is disappearing again, along with her memories. I will never think about her or look for her in life. I can only pray to God that he never makes me encounter her another time, because now she angers me as a person and I pity her for being so weak and troubled. I hope whomever she is with is just as weak, and teaches her the same lesson she tought me. Not for my benefit, but so she can realize the kind of person she is and change that about herself.

 

Man, relationships are the most troubled things in life, especially when they end. But now I am free, and I no longer need anyone else ever again.

[Mix Maxster]

Hey man, this is what I think you need to read:

 

This is to help explain why a woman will stay with a man for so long:

 

The phenomena of unequivocal disconfirmation happens when someone makes a decision and will stick by that decision, no matter how illogical, just because they made the decision. Unequivocal disconfirmation comes hand-in-hand with cognitive dissonance; no longer will she seek reasons to ditch you, rather she will seek reasons to keep you in her life.

 

When faults of yours are found, she will rationalize the faults away by means of cognitive dissonance (e.g. your lack of style "can be changed"). This best explains why jerks maintain relationships with women, no matter how illogical the relationship appears from an outside view.

 

You're not being controlled by her in the sense that it's you doing it all. You're putting your emotions and your success with other girls on someone who broke up with you, that isn't her being controlling that's you giving it away to her. Last time I checked, she's not doing anything with you and isn't speaking to you so I don't know how she's in control. Being in control doesn't mean hating them and the snobbish "i'll show you" attitude a lot of us pick up.

 

What I really think happened was that you were a "nice guy" that turned her off in the end, she got sick of the relationship and went to someone else new for two reasons, to get away from the relationship she was in and for second that she may find someone better in the process. It isn't a "game" once you think about it, she's only "surviving" in this world and doing what SHE HAS to do in order to move on and find someone new. It's part of life to seek out a partner with whom will have our children. You may think it's not the case, but it is on a subconscience level.

 

The fantasy love that they describe in movies and on tv and what have you is typically far from the truth, they make you believe that a "one liner" will save everything and bring them back when in fact it won't. She didn't leave because she didn't try to save it in a sense, she left because she felt nothing was going to change and that trying wouldn't get anywhere. WOMEN HATE TELLING MEN what's wrong without them first UNDERSTANDING it. THEY WANT you to see something is wrong and make steps to figure that out. Don't you understand that? It's so frustrating for them to have to tell you that your clothes are wrinkled and may offend others and that you don't understand why that is, they hate having to tell you everything that's wrong without you FIRST knowing what's wrong in the first place. They like the idea of things BEING GENUINE, so that when you bring up something it wasn't provoked by her rather that you felt you were doing something wrong that may have offended her and she will appreciate that you came forward without her having to tell you first.

 

She is unwilling to fight for my love, then why should I give it to her?

 

Because that kind of mindset will make you always frustrated with women and why you don't understand them.

[alittleoverlife]

Im not frustrated with women, I'm frustrated with one in particular. I dont feel I have any problem with other women in any way, just the one that did this to me.

 

I am not saying she is in control literally, because obviously she is not... I am saying I am allowing her to be in control, and I need to not do that.

 

And the whole "unequivocal disconfirmation" is basically an excuse to explain why someone stays because they are afraid to change and go against a decision they made. She didn't stay only b/c she orignally accepted me as her partner, it was because I gave her something she didnt find in anyone else.

 

And she can "survive" all she wants, because I think it is bs that she ever got into the relationship in the first place. I cant help the fact that she doesnt understand the meaning of the word

COMMITMENT. she has to deal with that on her own, and in her own time.

 

The whole fact of the matter is that she left without giving the inclination to why, and that is unnacceptable. But I dont care anymore, because she is worthless in my eyes now, and she can continue to live that way all she wants. I no longer need an answer or to understand what happened.

 

I guess she did give the reason why, because relationships are hard work, and she couldn't put forth the necessary amount of effort to continue this relationship. And if she believed that the "trouble" we were in was never going to change, then she is more naive than I thought, because obviously our relationship changed to get there, and so it was possible to get back to the way it was, all she had to do was TRY.

 

Trying wouldn't get anywhere? A relationship is constantly changing, its not set in concrete, and so trying makes all the world. Do you think I was happy with her every second of the day???? No way, but I knew if I tried to look past that moment, to try and realize that anything she did wrong was forgivable, and to try my hardest to accept her flaws, that it would keep our relationship, as it did.

 

So again, I did everything I could. I tried, and I pleased, and I loved her, and the fact is that she didnt complete that circle that was needed to keep our relationship alive.

 

She was the one that killed it, I am the same I was when she originally "fell in love" with me, so it is obvious something went wrong with her, and she is not worth even this.

 

she can find that new guy her heart so desires, and she can do all those things she felt that she couldn't do in our relationship. Because you know what, I really was the best she'll ever find, and even though she doesnt know it yet, the world is a cruel and utterly disturbing place, and she is going to be picked apart. good luck to her, because she is going to need it. I have nothing for her, and I will never again have anything for her again...

[hurtbylove]

Apparently some day, all these feelings will subside. Not be forgotten, but be less painful.

 

I have yet to see that day but I believe it will come on its own time.

 

Am I angry at my ex, sort of.. but I still also love her as bad as it sounds.

 

She left me. She is saying I'm not good enough to be with her. People are selfish and will do what is in their best interests. I forgot about this part. It is really difficult to fully trust someone, because with that trust you give, you are also putting yourself on the edge of a high ledge. Yes, it's fun and exhilerating while you're up there, but know that you can fall and really get hurt.

 

I had the same questions as you, same anger at "where is the commitment". It feels like, I wasn't abusing her, I was treating her the best I could. Yes I did bend over backwards for her and pretty much obeyed every word. I did it out of love. Maybe it's the wrong mentality.

 

Commitment feels like.. if there isn't anything outwardly wrong with the relationship, two people should stay together. This is how it was with older generation I think. Now, relationships break up at a drop of a hat. You find someone new and exciting, you break up and run off.

 

I used to think she would come back, it was just a phase, she would realize what she lost. But heh, she hasn't talked to me since. How she is doing I don't know. She doesn't know that I still think of her every day.

 

alittleoverlife, some days are better than others, you can be angry and pissed off at her actions, but in the end .. we are still left hurting and mourning. Your ex is like a book on a shelf, you read a couple chapters and now the book is closed. It might be open later it might not be. But there are plenty of other books on the shelf in the meantime. 99% of them might not be interesting, but it's just a matter of time.

 

I really think I start to rehash the same arguments over and over. There are a couple different scenarios I have. Sometimes I'll just be sitting in class and get worked up about why my relationship ended. Then I slap myself and say "man, just shut up".

[alittleoverlife]

Commitment feels like.. if there isn't anything outwardly wrong with the relationship, two people should stay together. This is how it was with older generation I think. Now, relationships break up at a drop of a hat. You find someone new and exciting, you break up and run off.

 

I think that is the best generalization I have heard yet in life. It is so true. We as a society are too scared to do anything that involves any work (don't be offended if this is not you, I am saying society as a whole) and will run before trying to stand up to a challenge.

 

Well, frankly, I know I am not like this, and plenty of others aren't either. And I know someone is out there that is willing to struggle a little to save a relationship, and when I find this person, I know I will finally have found my place.

 

Because honestly, I am the same perfect person I was before I met this girl, and I know I still have my pride, my respect, and the self-assurance that this is not the end. I am not worried about her anymore, and I am in a way thankful for what she did.

 

If she had not, I would've never seen the "real" her, and would've been wasting more time with someone who is quite the opposite of what I want.

 

My only grief is the fact that she said the word "love" because I think that if you're not willing to back that word up with a 110% of your energy, then you have no right saying it, because you don't really feel "love." She was wrong in this sense, but everyone wants to be in "love" and thereforeeee say it before really thinking about the meaning behind it and what they are really saying.

 

But I have no regrets, I wouldn't do it the same way if I could, but I can't, so I don't look at that anymore. I just count the days until the memories fade, and I can once again walk down the street and know that I won't realize I pass her when I do, because my brain will not remember what she looks like. This is when I will know I completely healed.

 

So until then, I will continue my life the way I have been, and continue to party and drink and live up life and push everything she was out of my life. She is the lying, disrespectful girl that I don't appreciate, and thereforeeee, I have no time for petty people like her. She needs someone lower than me, because I am too high up to be with. I need someone on my level, I need not scratch at the bottom of the totem pole to find my mate.

 

I am thankful to everyone, I feel so much better and eventually, I will be back... and when that day comes I will be the happiest man alive.

[alittleoverlife]

ok... another update real quick

 

I was at my fraternity house yesterday, just hanging out with everyone, when some of my brothers walk in with my ex.

 

I was shocked, and a little ticked that they would bring her to the house when they knew I was there. Now, I understand she is friends with some of the brothers, but they were my old hallmates, and the only reason she is friends with them is b/c she was dating me when I hung out with all of them.

 

Now, I have no problem with her hanging out with them, but I dont understand why she would call them and ask them to take her to the house, when she 1) knew I would be there, 2) knew I didnt want to see her, and 3) knew that the house was my one place on campus to be away from her and not have to worry about seeing her ever.

 

So, she purposely called up my old hallmates to get them to bring her over to the house. She called them out of the blue, she hasn't hung out with them since we've been in school, and then all of a sudden she decides to hang out with them at my house????

 

What is that? why would she do that? Why can't she respect me and not try to bombard into my life when she is not wanted?

 

And I really dont think I am wrong for not wanting her there or for being upset at both her and my brothers for bringing her over. They could've at least warned me, and let me leave so I didnt have to encounter her. I think that is the most messed up thing anyone has ever done, and I feel really hurt.

 

Does anyone have any advice/ comments/ or anything else to help me understand this situation??????

[fantasia2004]

So until then, I will continue my life the way I have been, and continue to party and drink and live up life and push everything she was out of my life. She is the lying, disrespectful girl that I don't appreciate, and thereforeeee, I have no time for petty people like her. She needs someone lower than me, because I am too high up to be with. I need someone on my level, I need not scratch at the bottom of the totem pole to find my mate.

 

 

That is harsh words on her, your ex I mean!

[alittleoverlife]

those are harsh words deserving of by a harsh girl... and that's all I can say