Is she thawing or is this a normal "bump" in the breakup of a long relationship?

[nbr]

back story here.

We have been getting along very well, but 'coldly'. In other words the friends and united front for the kids is working very well, but there has been little to no open affection, and in fact when I tried to hug her the other day (or even hold hands) I was informed I was being smothering. I promptly backed off.

I've been working really hard on stuff identified in therapy that is for me to work on, and she's worked a bit on stuff for her. I've started keeping a journal where I record triggers for anxiety, and the effects it has on me. She is allowed to read it. She has read it. Some of it she is concerned about getting out (even to the therapist), and I reminded her that I still respect her and she is my friend. Anything she wants redacted will be. That seemed to assuage her fears about that.

 

The other day when she was going to the fair with friends, and I thought it was a good excuse to not make therapy sessions that she is not keen on, she surprised me by being back just in time. I resisted calling her cell phone, and in fact in the morning told her not to worry about it if she and the kids are having fun. I thanked her for coming and then *bang* the door is locked and the therapist and/or us had the schedule wrong. Well, we got back in the car and went back to the fair, but as a family It was a blast of an evening.

 

Today (on IM) she said 'Love you' at the end of a relatively mundane and not relationship based conversation. It was like a breath of air. Now, what I am wondering, is whether or not this is:

a) some sort of bump that is not uncommon in a breakup, but the separation is still likely

b) a small flame that must be carefully tended and an indication that the improvements I'm working on and the physical/emotional space I'm trying to give is helping?

 

Either way, I fully intend to continue to better myself and see the agreed couples sessions through, just want to know if this is a get your hopes up needlessly thing?

 

-nbr

[Azerak]

@Nbr, Read your history, and it is very rough to be separated in a marriage, the most damage is to the kids, despite your pain, their pain is far worse and more delicate. This can mean anything, saying "love you" are indeed an expression of how she feels... Feels, I could agree with B) a small flame that is still there and needs to be rekindled but delicately, as you said you weren't the best husband, but you aren't a bad husband, I would think that she is the problem, however your history isn't extensive to make any real comment on this. Except for that she wanted you to move out, and that she wanted to date other people, what I am seeing that she isn't paying attention to the facts, she has children, she is a wife, and a mother that has responsibilities and walking out is plan out wrong and selfish of her, I can understand if she could consider it, but if she goes down that path, it is a dark one. I hope however she reconsiders and that you can continue to rekindle your relationship with her.

 

As I worked with couples in part of my military career, couples seem confused, resentful on situation, and don't actually understand the whole that they are in together. There are other things, but couples sessions can help with problems such as choices you make, or something you say.

 

Recently I went to a couple's session to educate myself, and learned that the smallest thing such as, opening the car door, or carrying her stuff can make a big impact... It seems like its always the small things that can help make up for the big things, but don't always intend for it to always work...

[nbr]

She and I have always been clear with each other that the kids come first.

Part of the desire to separate is that as our marriage broke down, so too did our friendship. A hostile home life where we are both nagging and arguing all the time is even less healthy for the kids than a friendly separated one. We both agree on this, hence why we are working heavily on our friendship (and that is getting healthier, by leaps and bounds).

 

Yes it is selfish for her to want to date, and she's acknowledged she's not being fair by wanting me as a safety net. I have chosen not to force either of those issues right now, partially for the hope that the counseling will buy me enough time that she will change her mind.

 

I've had mixed feelings about her dating or even having an affair with my blessing, and it's not something we've really discussed, but that I'm internally working on. Part of me thinks (if I really can handle it) an open marriage that is handled delicately with the kids could be the best of both worlds from the kids perspective (she gets the absolute freedom, kids have two parents at home that don't fight), but the other part of me knows this can be so damaging to the marriage that we might as well separate.

 

Bottom line, I will do *anything* for the kids sake, and nearly anything else to win her back.

-nbr

[Azerak]

Nbr, You offer to do anything, but yet you haven't done anything, well as you realize now and trying to do your best... But however you must look at your past mistakes, and make-up and don't make those mistakes and be open to her, and how she feels, listen and pay attention with the things she doesn't like you to do or say, it can be difficult to keep yourself up to speed with what she likes and doesn't like, but 20 years together you should realize and know a lot to not make her resentful in the relationship and etc...

[nbr]

but 20 years together you should realize and know a lot to not make her resentful in the relationship and etc...

You would think, wouldn't you. On many of the big things, yes this is true, and those are the ones that are relatively easy to fix quickly. It is the habitual stuff (leaving loose papers that may/may not be trash on the desk, not keeping up on the little chores around the house, resisting big projects because they are a lot of work, etc.) that list is a mile long, and I've found (and seem to have convinced her) that positive communication here is key. She doesn't nag, and I make sure to pay attention, respond affirmatively, and do it.

 

We grew up and apart in many ways. We started dating at 16, got married at 26. sometimes I am in awe we lasted this long when you see how young relationships always seem to fail.

 

Another part of it that I have tried very much to work on is the controlling thing, I knew I was controlling, but always thought is wasn't that bad, on the website mentioned in the other thread I kind of realized just how controlling I really was. Letting go of that control is paramount, I know this, and it is likely the main root of her wanting the separation. It is also the most emotionally challenging part for me. Giving up that control feeds directly into the anxiety of losing her.

My heart pulls the "If I let her go, she'll find someone else and I'll be alone forever" thing, while my brain says "hey dummy, she'll find someone else if she wants to, whether or not you let her go". Trying to acknowledge the feelings, without letting them overwhelm me is the part where I have the most trouble. I've gotten fairly good at "doing chores" where I can softly mutter/swear/cry/whatever alone, and it looks good to her that I'm not shirking these things any more.

 

Edit:

by the way, your sig is sooooo true.

[Azerak]

Fear of losing control is a big thing we have as men, I use to be controlling, and it ended badly, I didn't control and yet I stand in the same situation despite how much I have changed over the past years, and my military career has also changed me. The thing I wonder is if I actually did change. However I do not know has I have gotten use to everything I do to actually realize it, even in my past and how much I think of it, makes me wonder if I did change or was it just my job and such.

 

It seems like standing on no common ground sometimes, but I can understand controlling both feels good, but can cause a negative impact within your relationship... You will not lose her unless you choose too, by choosing to loose her is by making the wrong choices instead of the right ones... Relationship is like a job, everyday you got to work at it, make it better, stronger and such.

[nbr]

Yeah, I have my answer, it's a bump

I got told she wants me to be happy because I'm the father of our kids, she wants me to be happy as a friend, but as a spouse she feels nothing, she is completely numb to me.

To make the rejection so much deeper, she's reading a book on "getting the sex you want".

Been sobbing for the last 2 hours, and barely was able to hold it together long enough for her to go to sleep first

Never felt so alone as I do right now.

We have an appointment tomorrow... I almost wish I could crawl into a hole and never ever come out again..