How do I stop getting so upset when plans are broken?

[CookieMonster8]

Hi everyone. I'm a pretty good friend and girlfriend who tries to stick to plans and be on time for things but anytime a close friend, family or my boyfriend breaks plans with me due to their own circumstances I can't help but get really angry or hurt sometimes. I even take it out on those people because I feel like I'm there for everyone else and try to be at everything I say I'm going to be at (and on time) and when it's not given back to me as much I get really upset and angry with those that I love very much. I take it out on them and I make them feel bad sometimes. I'm trying to stop.

 

How do I control it? Of course things are going to come up and everything is never going to go "according to plan" but I'm trying to work on it and wanted to know if anyone had any tips for me to just get over things like this quicker.

[click]

don't expect anything from them to begin with. people (especially of a certain age) can be very flaky and these people are proving that they are. make sure when you do plan something with them that it isn't going to be a huge inconvenience if they cancel. think of any assertion that you guys are going to do something as you could possibly end up doing something. if it happens great, if not have something already lined up to do.

[click]

2 things that can also help is to 1: have a lot of friends, 2: have something you really like to do by yourself. If you branch out and make friends with as many people as possible, you're probably going to have a lot of options and you might end up even being the flaky one (to avoid this don't firmly commit to anything unless you're positive you're going to go through with it and then follow through). 2: if you develop some interests that dont involve other people you can be like "that sucks we're not doing A tonight, but now i get to read that book i really wanted to to or watch that show or whatever

[browneyedgirl36]

I agree with the above poster. I used to get really disappointed when people would break plans, but that's because, honestly, I didn't have enough going on in my life independently of those people. As I got older and made a lot more friends and found a lot more interests, hobbies, etc., broken plans stopped bothering me. The key is to always have enough going on in your life -- stuff you can do with others, but especially stuff you llike to do on your own -- so that you're not dependent on other people to have things to do. I have lots of solitary hobbies and interests, and things like exercise that I do alone, and when friends are available, I go out with them, but if they're not, I just find things to do by myself -- even traveling!

[isiscrystal]

First off - I get this way too. I am the type of person who follows through when I say I'll do something. If I'm not serious about it, I don't say I'm committed to it, I say it's a "maybe." It has become more and more clear to me that other people aren't like this. People throw around ideas for plans and such way too loosely in my opinion (and I take them seriously, when apparently, they weren't). SO frustrating.

 

Anyway, the advice the posters before me gave is okay, but it doesn't always apply. I used to have a really good friend that was NOTORIOUS for making plans and then later saying she was "too busy" to do it or whatever. I finally confronted her about it, and she said she just "wanted to make everyone happy," so she would end up making plans with multiple people at the same time, then have to disappoint someone. By doing what she was doing, she wasn't making anyone happy, including herself! Basically, she lost my trust, due to that and other circumstances. Point is: this person was one of my best friends. She shouldn't have been letting me down this much.

 

I don't really have any advice, just wanted you to know you're not alone, and that I think you definitely have a right to be disappointed in some cases.

[CookieMonster8]

My best friend used to do that a lot too and I've just stopped making plans with her. I've confronted her several times and said she needs to learn how to say "No" to other plans because "IF YOU HAVE PLANS MADE..YOU DON'T MAKE ADDITIONAL PLANS". She has gotten a little better but I rarely ever try to make plans with her anymore unless she tries to make them with me because I'm sick of the aggravation.

 

I have a bunch of friends and hobbies but the older I get the harder it is to make last minute plans with friends when other people cancel. Especially when they are all married and starting families. I think the best thing I can do is try not to let it aggravate me to the point where I ruin relationships with people because it's probably not worth it.

[littleL_RN]

Cookie, if you read a previous post of mine, I had the same problem with my boyfriend in the beginning of our relationship. He would talk about going to the movies during a weeknight and then wind up rehearsing with another musician. He'd say, "Let's go to breakfast before you go to work tomorrow." I'd wake up early, get myself together...and he slept right through it. The issue was almost a deal-breaker, because I would get so irate about the broken plans.

 

And I'm the same way as you. When I commit, I'm there. The flaking is definitely not done maliciously or as a personal jab at you. And I have so many friends who do behave similarly.

 

With the particularly flaky ones, they'll say something like "Oh, we should grab dinner one night this week." And I've conditioned myself to say, "Tuesday night is best for me. Let me know by Monday night if you can do that." It gives them a direct deadline and holds them accountable for following through. And if I don't hear from them, I will make alternate plans, even if it's just visiting a relative or running a few loose errands.

 

If they do give you a solid date and then flake out at the last minute, I would simply stop pursuing plans with them. They know where to find you if they are available. If you happen to have free time that corresponds, great.