No Contact or taking a chance

[RFB]

I've seen a lot of threads on here lately from people who's ex has contacted them in an ambiguous way. They wonder should they maintain NC or reply to the ex. I'm a big fan of NC if you are sure it's over or your ex is with someone else or a dozen other reasons. Buy if you think theres a chance they might be reaching out legitimately, I don't see why you wouldn't try. I mean sure, them texting you that they miss talking to you or they miss the times you went camping could be a million things other than them trying to open a door. But how do you know unless you respond?

 

Sure, you could get crushed all over again. But in life, the only real regrets I have are the chances I didn't take. I'm 52 now and I can look back at a relationship I've had and wonder, what was she really trying to say. Did I blow it by shutting her down? Would it have made a difference if I had talked to her?

 

Everyone has their own journey to take and only you as an individual can decide how much pain you can handle. Sometimes no matter how much you want something, the damage that taking that chance will cause may be too great to risk.

 

The only time I've ever reconciled in my life was after a year apart from a girl I'd dated for three. She called out of the blue to just catch up and we were together for another decade plus after that. And even though it eventually ended, it's not something I will ever regret.

 

As i said, you don't want to be thinking 10 or 15 years down the road "if only". So if you have the strength, you might just want to see where things go next time they call or text.

[Habibi]

What a beautiful life-lesson for everybody, whether they apply it or not.

 

I love it !!!

[professorplum]

Thank you RFB. An interesting post and I would agree with much of this. I think there is a feeling generally that you have to beware of 'crumbs' and what you are saying (certainly in the early stages) is can you be sure initially whether this is all it is. There will be exes who regret and try to come back and will be open open about it, admitting they have made a mistake. But there will be many where pride or fear of rejection will stop them being so open.

 

Ultimately it has to be your call but the 'if only' scenario you refer to is crushing - you feel so helpless because you know you had an opportunity and you let it go and time rarely gives you another chance.

[Meatball105]

I agree. No one should ever feel regret, or the feeling of "what if." Everyone should just act based on what their heart tells them. Because at the end of the day, even if that chance failed, they still will know they did everything they could, and would have no regrets.

[LMJ]

Thank you RFB. An interesting post and I would agree with much of this. I think there is a feeling generally that you have to beware of 'crumbs' and what you are saying (certainly in the early stages) is can you be sure initially whether this is all it is. There will be exes who regret and try to come back and will be open open about it, admitting they have made a mistake. But there will be many where pride or fear of rejection will stop them being so open.

 

Ultimately it has to be your call but the 'if only' scenario you refer to is crushing - you feel so helpless because you know you had an opportunity and you let it go and time rarely gives you another chance.

 

It depends on the circumstances leading to the breakup. If its something like cheating then I dont see why you would want to get back together. This is for both of you not just if the other person cheated. If its for a different reason eg one moved to go to school, milatary, etc. then I would say yes give it a chance if you feel the breakup was for something where the foundation of your relationship doenst have cracks in it, even if you think they are just hairline.

[laura-j]

I'm all for taking a chance if it feels healthy. I think the NC is really important in two instances. If you are going to contact and make a fool of yourself begging, crying etc. That just makes you feel way worse later and pushes your person way further away. Trust me been there, done that and it still makes me cringe almost a decade later. The other time I think NC is a must: if someone really mistreated you, cheating, stealing, abuse etc. Keep that NC for the rest of your life.

 

But if the opening is something you want to explore, by all means explore it. In my current situation, I'm not contacting him, but if he contacts me I'll be happy to respond or talk to him. Our break up feels really situational, stress, depression on his side, no other people, no real fundamental issues wrong between us. Which is almost harder, cause I can't hate him and do hope he pulls it together and contacts. That said, I am sad still, but living my life as if he won't be back. Hard to admit, hard to do, but doing it.

[Zero71]

I do agree people should only do whatever it is that brings them peace no matter the end result. However, I do think going NC for a few months to clear your head (not to win the other back) is the best approach. If the ex decides to contact the person it's up to he/she to determine if they want to take a chance or leave everything as it is. I'm currently in that situation with my ex. I went NC for a few months to clear my head and she kept reaching out. Eventually I decided to lift NC. I'm leaving all the contacting to her while being in LC. I want her back but I'm afraid of putting myself out there just so she can rip my heart again. It's bad enough she still with her "sainted" schoolboy of a boyfriend. If we ultimately don't get back together one day I'm prepared to walk away. I certainly we do get back together because I feel we need to give it another go just to finish things off. I need to know could we really work as a couple or should I accept we just don't work. I feel that need to see this through to the end.