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October 7, 2004 in Breaking Up Advice
Just remember that she didn't agree to stop hanging out with her ex - instead she let you break up with her over it. That's proof in my book you did the 100% right thing.
I don't think you want to be reduced to crap again. Keep that in mind anytime you get an urge to reconcile with her.
With her actions, she told you that hanging out with an Ex, which is rarely a good or inconsequential thing, was more important than your objectively reasonable feelings.
Why on earth would you take her back?
Go find another beautiful girl who's got some loyalty.
I feel what you're going through. Right now, my girlfriend and I are taking a break because she spends more time with her girlfriends than with me. Not really the same situation that you're dealing with, but they have similarities. She is deciding what she wants to do, but as time goes on, I'm feeling like if she doesn't want to cater to my needs, why should I cater to hers? I too would probably go through the same crap if we got back together. So I too am thinking about ending it. For me, it was more of the fact that after all that we've been through, this is what is ending it for us?
Did you mind that she was going out with her ex, or was it more the fact that she was spending more time with her ex than with you, or both? Did she say why she started hanging out with her ex again? I feel for you man. I really do.
I had a friend in exactly the same situation. but he was in your gf's shoes. his old gf was more like a sister (that's why they'd split up after 4 years) so although he had no attraction or romantic love, he cared for her on a very deep level. his current gf could never really accept it.
however (and this may be different to your situation) he only used to see the ex maybe once every two weeks and spent far more time with his current gf. it would just flare up, say if the ex was ill and he was concerned about her and stuff. but his priorities were clearly with the current gf. it was just that she suffered from a bit of jealousy, naturally, as we all would.
my point is – my friend loved his current gf totally, he just didn't see why it had to preclude friendship (and that's all it was) with an ex. could be, your gf is in the same boat – she loves you totally, but has a platonic, love/friendship whatever with her ex. doesn't mean she loves you any less.
i know that if my friends gf had said "its either her or me", he'd have thought it so unreasonable that he wouldn't have wanted to be with her, even though he loved her.
this is one possibility. in which case, you either get comfortable with it - but she has to help you by being understanding and saying things to make you feel comfortable and to put your mind at rest, (some people never can and if you can't, it will make you miserable, so you've done the right thing) or do what you have done and walk away.
the other possibility is, she still has feelings for him (although might never act on them), sees him loads, more than you even, puts him first etc etc. in this case, as scout said – you will torture yourself. if you stay put, you'll end up clingy, desperate, paranoid and not yourself. then in two months time, after climbing the walls, she'll dump you because you've changed. then you'll really feel miserable..
mate, only you know which one of these it is and how much she really puts him first. ask yourself, is this natural jealousy, which you might have the capacity to control and still be happy, or a deeper suspicion which will eventually take over and screw your head up?
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