starting a new long distance relationship

[happytheclown]

recently a girl that lives 6 hours away wrote me. one thing led to another and we got serious very fast. we haven't met yet - we had plans to but that fell through - at this point we're not due to meet until at least 3 weeks, if that.

 

even though we haven't met, we both agree there is a very strong attraction and we have qualities we are looking for in a long term partner. in emails she is extremely sweet and warm. on the phone she comes accross more cold.

 

when we were first in contact, she would phone IM all the time after work. now she doesn't phone IM at all.

 

she says she's been hurt in a past relationship and it's hard for her to open up and if i can be patient. she says she hasn't been in a relationship since her last one (3 years ago).

 

so i'm confused. in one sense i think the girl had interest in the beginning but maybe lost interest as of late (as so often happens). that would account for the girl seeming cold on the phone too. but she is so warm in the emails and assures me that it's due to it being difficult for her to open up. she says she cares for me and see a future.

 

i'm not sure what to think. it's hard for me to reconcile the difference between her warmth in the emails and lack of warmth over the phone.

 

any suggestions would be greatly appreciated

 

thank you

[Random Stranger]

My analysis of the situation is this:

 

For a lot of people it is much easier to open up to someone through the internet. The anonymity of it just makes us feel so much more comfortable. And with emails, we have time to stop and just take time to really think about how we feel and word it in the best way we can. On the phone however, we are put more on the spot. We don't have time to cleverly think out what we want to say, and there's this fear that now we must come up with answers right on the spot. Which, in turn, makes us feel almost like we are being analyzed or we are bound to mess up our words or thoughts and have things come out wrong. We just feel more exposed. It's not like we can go back and reread our text, dotting our i's, crossing our t's and making sure everything came out exactly the way we intended. And perhaps, the nearer the time comes for the two of you to meet, the more nervous she is becoming, because she doesn't know if she can quite meet your standards in person. The internet just feels so much more safe. My advice, is to just let her know you understand how she feels and try and give her time. Don't try so hard to analyze her, if she is writing you emails that are warm and sweet, then she appears to still like you and want to make things work. It's probably just like she says...hard to open up for her.

 

Well, I hope that helps.

Good Luck.

[happytheclown]

Thank you for the very thoughtful reply. What you say makes a lot of sense. There is, of course that overwhelming sense that "if someone likes someone they would would this and that and this..." and when i don't see those things - my insecurities take over and i start to wonder if perhaps we are just at different levels.

 

An example would be a conversation from this weekend. I had mentioned to her that i went hiking and how i would have loved to have her there, to hold hands and keep each other company. It was never my intention to put her on the spot, merely to share what i thought to be a sweet thought - her reply was only "that's nice" - in a rather monotone. thereforeeee i asked if perhaps she was less comfortable talking "emotional things" over the phone than in email and her response was simply "i said it was nice". It just sort of took me back. The rest of the conversation (both before and after) was equally as monotone.

 

The other thing that induces me to well ..."think"... is, in the beginning she would IM on the phone quite often, and in the last week she never does anymore. I'm not sure what that is reflective of. It is not fair for me to "project" my expected behaviors on her - i totally recognize that (of course the "practice" is much harder than the theory, that having been said...) - that having been said, if i am "into" someone it's all i can do to want to reach out to that person whether with an email, a phone call or an IM - just something. So these behaviors are very foreign to what i would expect from someone just starting in a new relationship - and thus makes it genuinely so much harder for me to reconcile in my mind.

 

I guess the bottom line is that i am not getting the level that i need/desire - needless to say (and due to no fault of either party) the need is further heightened by the dynamics at play in a "long distance" relationship - where it's so hard to meet up with to begin with. I honestly don't feel i'm a needy person, but i guess like anyone - when i don't get at the level i'm hoping for - i seem more needy than otherwise I might.

 

At this point i am trying to remain patient. I honestly don't even know what that is or means and how long that is - but i just know that i'm trying very hard. What helps to be patient is that I keep telilng myself - if I'm patient for a few weeks and nothing transpires of the situation - outside of the heartache i'd undoubtedly feel - i've lost nothing only in the sense that what is a few more weeks out of my life to try and further something that may potentially be a good thing. If i do something to jeopardize this, well three weeks will come and go and i'd hate to be kicking myself in three weeks wondering "what if i had only been patient...."

 

I think one of the hardest parts is quantifying why the IMs stopped? And i'm afraid to ask because i don't want to put her on the spot and make her feel like she has to IM me...so i have to "swallow" this for now - it's just all very very tough.

 

Thank you again for your thoughtful reply!!!