how infidelity completely messed up my life...please read.

[radiohead20]

Hey guys,

 

I might have posted my story before on this thread, so apologies if this is the second time...

 

 

I am not sure if I am posting my story on this forum as a way to vent, or as a way to start healing and moving on from the sense of loss and sense of hopelesness towards the future I am feeling. I suppose I view this forum as a medium where I can tell my story in an honest manner and therefore expose my vulnerability - it is not something I do very often. Some of you may not feel sorry for me and tell me I deserve what happened as the result of my actions, and I understand.... But I also hope to at least get some comfort and maybe insight for my actions.

 

Here it goes.

 

I dated a girl for around 2 years. She had alot of things "on paper" but there was something missing the entire time - after much thought I decided to end things with her. She was devasted but I sorta felt like I had "moved on" already. We lived together for a little more than a year. After the break-up I started seeing a new girl. I was immediately attracted to her but she was extremely different - than myself or my ex-gf. A little into us dating, after we had made the commitment to each other, I ended up cheating on her with my ex-gf. Keep in mind this new girl was still a fresh portrait in mind - I didn't truly know her story or her personality or our true relationship dynamic yet. Our relationship was young and exciting. I think I cheated because looking back on it, I was not truly over my ex-girlfriend. Even if breaking up was the right decision in my mind, losing someone you talk to everyday for almost 2 years is going to cause some feelings of loss.

 

I fessed up to the new girl immediately - and gave her the choice to continue seeing me or not. She chose, against her logic to continue seeing me and patch things up. The only condition was that I could not have contact with my ex-gf.

 

Fast forward a few months later. due to my cheating on her, we both worked feverishly on our relationship. I had been talking to her everyday and visited frequently for the past few months. As time went by, we both began to realize the insane dynamic we had together. To me, she started turning into the first girl I could see myself being with long term (marriage), and I have had a few long term relatiopnships before that and dated several people. But this was different - Never had I met a girl that nailed so many desired characteristics I wanted in a woman. We could talk for hours, we were interested in the same things, our sex life was insanely good, and so was the intimacy. Beyond that, she complemented and improved me JUST by being herself. her strengths were my weaknesses and vice versa - we both started improving as people just by being around each other. I was in a relationship where we had intimacy, attraction, communication, and the same forward direction in my life. I was floored and felt like I had found a needle in a haystack.

 

 

Just after saying our "I love you's" and making future plans together, I find out my ex-gf is pregnant with my child - from the cheating episode months prior. At this moment my world literally came crashing down. I felt like it was the absolute worst time for this to happen. My ex-gf presented me with two options: Help her take care of the child and be a responsible father (there was no expectation of dating) or not be involved in the child's life, get a formal method of child support (payments would be around 1300-1500 monthly in my case), and she would probably have to move back home several states away. She would get full custody and I would not see my child very often and would have to pay oodles in child support on top of that. She had no family nearby and moving away would mean losing her high paying job (for now). When she mentioned this I immediately felt like I would help my ex-gf raise the kid, if it werent for the relationship I was in now. In essence, if I didnt help her I was putting this new girl over being a father to my future son. I mentioned to the new girl that if I helped my ex-gf with my child, I would try to be involved and eventually have joint custody/etc. In short - I would have to be in contact with the girl I cheated on her with on a regular basis taking care of a baby that was the result of the cheating. She just could not emotionally handle this. Another reason why I wanted to be involved was because I had issues myself with my father being absent growing up and it had a profound affect on me - I didnt think my son deserved this.

 

We decided to let things go, despite how we felt for each other. We both considered each other the first person we could see each other marrying, and it was a devastating blow to both of us, because we knew that if it were not for the baby, we would be making future plans and still be together. I guess the only comforting thought is that I feel as if I am doing the right thing and choosing my future son as a priority.

 

Although it has been months, me and this new girl still contact each other, mostly in the form of late night sobbering drunk dials and the occasionaly chat conversation. We both know we love each other and we both want to be with each other - and it hurts immensely. I think there may be hope though, that maybe the dust will settle and me and the new girl decide to overcome this huge obstacle and work things out in the near future. I think the way we felt for each other and what we had is almost strong enough.

 

 

In the meantime, I feel completely hopeless and depressed about my future. and I feel guilt and fear that I will pass blame/resentment for this loss on those that are not at fault - like my future son. I know I will be a good father and I will enjoy raising this child - but I feel like it may be bittersweet.

 

People tell me that "you will find someone, you will move on". I think this is a a little different - most times you can give the advice of "go out and meet new girls, go have fun, see what else is out there" as a very effective way to heal yourself and move on. That is not an option for me - I have a huge responsiblity looming ahead for me, something that is going to take up alot of my time. Also, getting into the dating scene again is going to be alot different with a child involved - people look at you differently adn you dont have the same freedom to start a relationship. Also, I have been in 2 other long term relationships, and probably dated probably close to 20 women beyond that - this all took 9 years, and none of those even came close to what I experienced, the chances of me running into that again is close to nil, especially with the change in my life. To be honest, I formulated a life plan around accepting the fact that I might actually be alone for the rest of my life becuase of what I did. If I cant have a soulmate maybe I can at least be a good father and achieve my other goals. And yes, this sounds like a pity party with an dramatic overtone but look at the facts here.....I am a realist.

 

Looking back on it, me and the new girl were both emotionally weak. she should not have given me a second chance and had she did, I should have given her the decency and decide to not continue seeing her. Stupid.

 

there is my story.

 

In summary - never ever ever ever ever cheat. You may end up losing your possible future soulmate and having a baby with your ex-gf. I don't wish that on anyone. Seriously.

[bananashake]

Please get a paternity test....you just never know!

 

And frankly, it sounds like your ex still has deep feelings for you, too. Maybe once the shocker of this settles down, she will come back around. It's just a lot for anyone to process. Time heals all....

[ToF]

I was thinking the same thing as bananashake - Get a paternity test if you haven't already.

[Greatone99]

It sounds like she's going to eventually come back to you but all you can do is give it time.