how do u make ldr's work?? Im new at this

[ansmith]

Heres my dilemma... I met the love of my life 3 months ago. I know it doesnt seem to be a long time, but from the first time I met him I knew this was it. We are both only 19 years old but Ive never felt this way about someone before and dont think I ever will again if I screw this up.

After 2 months of being together he had to leave me and go to college. He is 3 hrs away and I know to a lot of u it does not seem that bad but him and I spent everyday together for 2 months and now I can only see him 3 to 4 weeks at a time. I dont have a car and he didnt take his car up to college so the only way we can see each other is through my friends and whenever holidays come around.

Ive been a way from him for a month already and just this past w/e I finally got to see him. It was amazing but then the w/e was over and I had to say goodbye for the second time.

Im learning how to deal with missing him, just staying busy and what not. But recently he started to pledge a fraternity and it is taking up A LOT of his time. It seems to me sometimes that he doesnt understand how I feel because he has so much going on he doesnt have time to think about me and that makes me feel horrible. He always reassures me that he constantly thinks about me and misses me just as much as I miss him.

 

My question is how do I deal with him being so busy, and still keep the communication going?

 

Please help me out with any advice u can lend.

thank you in advance!

[lillady898]

Wow... That is so much like my situation. My boyfriend moved about three hours away (except we've been dating for nearly a year), and he is the love of my life as well.

 

I can't see him too much either, because he didn't take his car and I have overprotective parents who won't let me go without a friend. So I see him about once a month (if I'm lucky... Next time I see him will be in probably 2 months).

 

He was going to join a frat, in fact, the frat boys were practically begging him to. He really wanted to, however, after a rush he cheated on me which made me a little uneasy (I forgave him since [1.] He was honest and [2.] It wasn't planned; He was drunk). So, long story short, he didn't join the frat. (Just thought I'd throw the frat story in since your boyfriend was in a frat.

 

Even though he's not a frat boy, he's still extremely busy with school. Which makes it difficult seeing as how I was used to hanging out with him nearly every day and now I can rarely get even a half hour conversation out of him. To top it off, he's planning on joining some groups or what not.

 

He, too, is always reassuring me that he's always missing me and loves me just as much as I do. Sometimes I don't think he does because it seems like I'm always calling him rather than him calling me. But, every once in a while, he surprises me with a sweat voice message or a call just to say something cute. You just really have to look for the small things he says and does now, because that's what matters. Not the big extravegant, "Baby, I'm coming to see you, I miss you so much, I sent you a dozen roses." If you expect that, chances are it won't even happen and you'll just be disappointed and angry. Trust me, I've gotten like that at times. Just look forward to those times he does show he cares. If he really is busy, which I'm guessing he is, there is nothing he can do about it. You just have to trust and believe him when he says he's missing you and always thinking of you

 

If I want to increase his calling me and reassuring me (on his own, without me asking), I do something sweet on my own. Like sending him something in the mail like a card or gift. It's good to lead by example. It's surprising how many times guys follow. If you send a sweet card, chances are he'll be thinking, "Hm. Maybe I should send her a card." If he doesn't, you are assured that he thinks you're even more of a sweet, awesome person, which I think is better than any card. Also, he'll most likely call you to tell you thank-you and probably feel obliged to have a long conversation. Yes, as bad as it sounds, sometimes it's just an obligation. But it's well worth it nonetheless.

 

Something that really helps is setting up a definite date where you two will be seeing eachother again. And set it early as possible. Then you can mark your calendar and count down the days. It's a lot easier wating for something if you know when you can stop waiting for a few days! And it gives you something to look foraward to and be happy about instead of thinking about how much you miss him.

 

Sorry it's so long, I just have so much to say about it! If you have any other questions fell free to ask. I'm sure I've dealed with just about everything so far. Good luck with this.

 

P.S. Sometimes the things that seem kind of preschool are the cutest and most appreciated. Like sending him a picture out of a coloring book that you colored or picture you drew. Or make him something. Then he'll know YOU were thinking about him more than 2 seconds and then HE will think of YOU more than 2 seconds. Sometimes it takes the one person to show how much they care before the other one will begin to.

[ansmith]

Lillady898...

It is so strange how similar our situations are. Your advice helped change my outlook so much. I think I need to focus on the positve more than the negative. Thats what he always tells me. And I realized someting else that helped is considering how much worse it could be. I realized from reading a lot of the forums that Im lucky to b with him once maybe twice a month, because some dont even know when they will see there bf/gf next!

 

And I also agree with the point that maybe if I do something sweet first he will follow.

 

Im so glad to have someone to relate to on this because up until now, I thought no one knew how I was feeling.

 

Another thing I have been struggling with are the arguments... before he left for college we hadnt had one. Now that hes gone we seem to bicker a lot more... have u experienced this as well?

[lillady898]

Me and my boyfriend fight A LOT more. It's so annoying sometimes, because I know how compatible we are. It's very hard to keep the peace when you can't be face-to-face.

 

Much of the time it's just because of miscommunications. At times he has been tired and I have gotten all uptight and angry because I thought he was really just mad at me for something. It's so hard to tell when you can't see for yourself. It's getting a lot easier now because I'm getting more used to having to read his voice rather than reading his facial and body expressions.

 

Sometimes the fights are completely irrelevant in the big scheme of things. For instance, once he said he would call me at 7. When he didn't call me at exactly 7, I called him at 7:01 yelling that he already forgot about me. Guess what he said?! He thought we agreed on talking at 8. It was dumb of me to call so fast and accuse him of forgetting me to begin with, but I should've gotten his side of the story first. A lot of the fights could've been completely avoided if we just looked at both sides first and simple stuff like that.

 

Or he'll joke that he had a dream about Pamela Anderson or that he was going to a tutor session at a girls' dorm room alone. Then, we'll argue about that. Which is pointless to argue about when I know he sometimes does that because he likes to get a 'cute' rise out of me sometimes and just ends up saying he's just kidding anyway.

 

We have also faught a lot about the whole time issue and how he never calls. I also have a habit of never wanting to say good-bye, so I sit on the phone complaining, when finally he says, "I have to f*ing go!" Of course, we get in an argument that he yelled and my innability to say bye as quick as he can.

 

Sometimes our arguments are so stupid though (actually, most of them), that we'll just end the conversation and then he'll end up calling after I've cooled off. Then we just forget about it like nothing happened, sometimes saying, "That kind of upset me when you said this..." Or whatever.

 

All these fights have gotten less and less though. I've made myself become more understanding that he really does have other things to do that are very important to him and I just have to, you know, honor them or whatever. I think for the first time today, I said, "You don't have to call me, you can just study instead." A plus to being more understanding is that a couple hours later he called to talk some more. I think calling just seems to be less of a threat when you're more understanding and there's less of a chance of you fighting. Now I realize that sometimes the effort I took to argue could've been used to try to see from his point of view.

 

Some arguments, though, I think just have to happen. If we hadn't argued about a lot of the things that he have, then we never would be where we are today. We've gone through a lot of arguments, but a lot of them have also made us have a stronger relationship. The yelling doesn't have to be there, but sometimes it's good to see what really makes eachother upset or angry so it won't happen again later. It's all just judgement of what is worth arguing about. Usually it's just best to talk things through like civilized. It's kind of hard to explain. Sorry.

 

Arguing is what can ruin a long-distance relationship, at one time it almost had us done. But if people can make it through this, they can make it through just about anything. I thought I wouldn't be able to get through the arguments, but it's easier after a while when you just ask yourself, is this worth arguing about?

 

I hope this helps! If you have more, I'd be so happy to share! Good luck!

[Emmylu]

I think you should seriously consider getting a car and start driving! You know, there are people whose daily commute to work takes 3 hours. But of course when you're young and you have parental restrictions, there's not much you can do. I used to have a bf who lived 2 hours away and I was seeing him almost every day. Just get in the car and drive. I had another bf who lived in Boston and me in L.A., we still got together a lot just by taking turns getting on these 6 hour flights.

 

One thing that helps ldr's, I think, is to have get togethers planned for some specific date in the near future, 'cos then you both have something to look forward to and not lose hope.

[ansmith]

emmylu...

yea I know I need to get a car and start driving but it is easier said than done u know? I cant really afford it rite now... and he told me that he doesnt want me to have to drive 3 hrs by myself all the time anyway

[ansmith]

lillady898...

I was laughing so hard reading your reply! So many of your fights sounded just like Ethan and I.

I think you're right about having judgment on what is actually worth arguing over. Because a lot of the time I'll just be having a bad day and missing him a lot and pick a fight for those reasons and I need to stop doing that.

A stupid argument almost broke us up as well once.

Most of them, just like yours have been about him not calling at a certain time, when I realize later that he as a lot to do and if he eventually calls me I should not get mad.

The way I see it, since I cant spend time with him nemore, every moment that I talk to him on the phone is all I get so I shouldnt ruin it with an argument.

Im sure itll get easier for me as it has for u

 

One more question...

How do u deal the sexual frustration???? haha Its SO hard

[ayekasong]

ansmith-

While I was in the states, my bf was also 3 hours away. I was fortunate enough to have a car, but I still did not get to see him more than once a month for a day or two - if I was lucky. We were both so busy it was nearly impossible to see each other. However, we were able to keep it together for 2 years. Now there's an ocean between us and I really wont get to see him until at least December - so trust me I know where you're coming from!

 

I have also had the problem with fighting so often, but I trust my boyfriend and I'm having a much easier time just letting things go. It's important to pick your battles in regular relationships, and its even more important to do this in an LDR! The time you have together is so limited, you don't want it littered with petty arguments.

 

The sexual frustration is a problem. The way my bf and I dealt with it was with naughty phone/aim conversations. When we did get to see each other, we have very long and fun times... alone... if you get my drift. Being forced to wait makes you make the best of the time you do have together.

[ansmith]

ayekasong...

yea, I saw Ethan last w/e and with all the sexual frustration we both had for the past month, it made out alone time together SO much better!

And as for the fighting, its getting a little easier, I guess like u said, itll get easier with time

[ansmith]

ayekasong...

yea, I saw Ethan last w/e and with all the sexual frustration we both had for the past month, it made out alone time together SO much better!

 

And as for the fighting, its getting a little easier, I guess like u said, itll get easier with time

[lillady898]

Sometimes the sexual frustration is so bad for me, especially when he teases me by saying what we could be doing if we were together. It's one of the hardest things because physical stuff is one of the perks of a relationship, and now it's taken away for a long time. Sometimes it takes all of my concentration to not daydream about it. I could use some help with it too because it drives me insane! I guess the only thing there is to do is wait.

[ansmith]

yea it is one of the hardest things to deal with. Ethan will tease me as well and talk about some of our past experiences. Im just like "Ok, shut up!" haha like u said all u can do is wait, and know that when u are finally together, it will be better than ever and worth the wait