Losing feelings for boyfriend due to lack of effort

[BrokenLisa]

Hi all!

 

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for about 4 months now and it's the healthiest relationship I've had in a long time. However, there are a couple of niggles that I feel I'd need some feedback on from other people.

 

1. When we're together he's a lovely and attentive towards me. However, I feel like he never asks me serious questions about my life/past etc. He's fairly shy and he's not big talker, but even when I ask him questions, he rarely returns the questions. This leads me to feeling that our relationship is quite superficial. I know so early on, it's all about keeping it light and getting to know each other so am I being too idealistic in thinking he should be more asking me about me more? I feel like I ask him a fair amount of questions. Perhaps I often don't give him the chance to ask as I'm very talkative and he thinks before he speaks.

 

2. We don't stay in touch as much as I'd like. We exchange about 2 messages each/day and perhaps one quick call per week and see each other 2-3 times/week. He's not a phone person so this is fine. It's time like last night when he was quite short with me on text, when I get annoyed. I need to have a bit more communication to keep that feeling going on, without it I seem to always stop thinking about him as much and lose interest a little if this makes sense.

 

Anyone have any thoughts?

[abitbroken]

1) Just because he doesn't ask questions about your past doesn't mean that he doesn't care. He might be focused on the present. Instead of being upset that he doesn't ask you enough things, why not just share with him what's important to you for him to know?

 

2) If you have only been going out for a few months, see eachother 2-3 times a week but keep in touch during the week, that's actually pretty good. If he is not a talker, is he writer? Some people's writing style match their convo style so maybe he is not a talker but is very goo at expressing himseld through writing but maybe he is a short emailer too. Have you tried writing him an email about your day etc? Maybe he will reciprocate.

 

3) Communicate. If you would like to keep in touch in between the days you see him - tell him - but what are YOU doing. You talk about his two short texts but not what YOU do. Also, he could be at work and might not really be able to talk, so keep that in mind. I do think that if you are seeing eachother a few days a week and things are great when you are together, maybe he is gearing up to when you are together or you need to see him more, even if it is just for a quick coffee.

 

I don't think he is a bad guy. Guys ca't read minds, but you have to decide if you are happy with this. He is not someone who is needy and needs to give you constant attentiona and the relationship is new.

[TheLoneliest]

There are a few possible scenarios, and only you would be able to find out which one it is.

 

1. He is a thinker and probably the type that rarely talks towards everyone. Is that the person you want to have a long term relationship with? If not, get out.

2. When you ask questions, does he even try to think about it? If he is a thinker, try to ask him with a following deadline question like "Can you tell me now?". If he still doesn't give you an answer, it's probably a red light you should stop the relationship because he's not giving any. Don't ask him "What are you thinking?" because us guys hate that.

3. What line of work does he do to make him that busy to even communicate? If he just has a regular 9-5 job and only 2-3 times a week after 4 months, you're not in a committed relationship. Have you met his close buddies by now?

4. He has a past that he doesn't want to talk about, maybe a trauma, maybe embarrassment towards his parents. Lots of secrets.

5. You are an expressive person and you need a listener in your relationship. He might not be a listener.

 

Whatever the case is, you should let him know you're feeling lack of effort in communication between the two of you, and that is making you lose interest in this relationship. If he still doesn't respond positively on this, he is not taking this relationship seriously and has no intention to make it better. If he apologizes and ask how to make this better, you know he's trying but has obstacles in communications. If he just stays silent and do nothing or treat this as a trifle, he might have emotional problems he hasn't dealt with himself. If he distracts you to avoid facing this issue, then this relationship is definitely a dead end. Relationship requires a lot of communication and connecting feelings.

[BrokenLisa]

1. I do share, but it's often as blatantly obvious as me asking him "so did you go to university", he'll talk about the topic for a bit and then goes silent. I find this strange as most people, even just out of habit, would go: how about you? I can't remember a time this has happened. He is more introverted than I am so I'm willing to look past this.

 

2. He is more of a writer, yes. I initiate about 60 % of our conversations via text and call him more. He's called me 3 times 'to chat' throughout our relationship. This is fine also, as I know he's not a big talker. Ideally I'd like to talk at least once a week, with him calling me at least twice a month. I don't think this is a crazy demand, but I don't know how to present this to him without sounding needy.

 

I know he's not a bad guy but what I'm wondering is if I'll ever feel like the relationship is going anywhere with such different communication styles.

 

Thanks for your thoughts, they did make me think and put some perspective to this whole thing.

[BrokenLisa]

There are a few possible scenarios, and only you would be able to find out which one it is.

 

1. He is a thinker and probably the type that rarely talks towards everyone. Is that the person you want to have a long term relationship with? If not, get out.

 

Yes, he is more of a thinker. I'm still undecided if this this makes him compatible with me.

 

2. When you ask questions, does he even try to think about it? If he is a thinker, try to ask him with a following deadline question like "Can you tell me now?". If he still doesn't give you an answer, it's probably a red light you should stop the relationship because he's not giving any. Don't ask him "What are you thinking?" because us guys hate that.

 

He has answers to questions I ask him. The problem is he never asks me questions. I never ask him what he's thinking, I always ask him specific questions and his opinions on things.

3. What line of work does he do to make him that busy to even communicate? If he just has a regular 9-5 job and only 2-3 times a week after 4 months, you're not in a committed relationship. Have you met his close buddies by now?

 

He's self-employed so at times he has very little work on, at times there is more. I've met his close friends and many siblings. We've even talked about having dinner with his father and step-mother.

 

4. He has a past that he doesn't want to talk about, maybe a trauma, maybe embarrassment towards his parents. Lots of secrets.

5. You are an expressive person and you need a listener in your relationship. He might not be a listener.

 

Whatever the case is, you should let him know you're feeling lack of effort in communication between the two of you, and that is making you lose interest in this relationship. If he still doesn't respond positively on this, he is not taking this relationship seriously and has no intention to make it better. If he apologizes and ask how to make this better, you know he's trying but has obstacles in communications. If he just stays silent and do nothing or treat this as a trifle, he might have emotional problems he hasn't dealt with himself. If he distracts you to avoid facing this issue, then this relationship is definitely a dead end. Relationship requires a lot of communication and connecting feelings.

[SarahRose]

How old are you two?

 

Many young people who have been immersed with technology their entire lives instead of human interaction, have very poor social skills.

 

Men just usually aren't going to be talkative like a girlfriend. They just aren't.

[BrokenLisa]

I'm 28 and my boyfriend is 31.

[TheLoneliest]

Sounds like it's basically his personality. Again, you should tell him how you feel on this. He should know how detached you're feeling about your relationship with him. Whether he decides to change and make it better, is up to him, and it's up to you whether you want to continue to build this relationship.