Just Curious... Would Love Some Insights...

[Mermaid]

I've been coming to eNotAlone for over a month now. I enjoy reading everyone's posts, and responding with advice or insight when I can. But, lately, I've found myself dumbfounded by the amount of people mentioning one particular problem: constant break-ups and reconciliations.

 

It seems to me that a large chunk of people with relationship troubles complain that they're in constant flux with their partners, and have created a pattern of breaking up, getting back together, breaking up, getting back together, and on and on. Yet, many of the people who post about this do so only as a secondary item to their main gripe, which I find rather strange. Has it not occurred to these people that this behavior is in itself a problem? (Especially those to whom it happens in the first six months of a new relationship.) Does that not raise a red flag?

 

Look, I'm in a ridiculously happy and stable relationship, so perhaps I've got no right asking questions about this. I'm just trying to understand why people stay in such tumultuous relationships for so long, especially if the instability begins early on, before there are is too much emotion invested. Shouldn't such instability be a sign that this coupling just isn't meant to be?

 

I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings--just to figure out why people think love has to be so hard.

 

 

[guy40az]

i find that to be kinda funny myself i didnt have any problems at all for the first 10 years and i dont even want to try to save that LOL so after 6 months i would have no clue.

[shes2smart]

I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings--just to figure out why people think love has to be so hard.

 

Because that's what we're sold.

 

Like you, I am also in a ridiculously happy and functional relationship. However, I have also been involved in some really messed-up relationships. Like, oh, lessee...how about the verbally and potentially physically abusive alcoholic who I went back & forth with for the better part of 4 years. (He never hit me, but I had a few holes put in the walls by his fists during that time)

 

Take a critical look at the things that surround you -- popular song lyrics, movies, TV show -- and see how "true love" is portrayed. If someone doesn't have a healthy relationship modeled for them somewhere in their life in their formative years, they're gonna think high drama is normal. How many of us were lucky enough to grow up in a setting where our parents...or some other close relatives or family friends modeled a healthy relationship? I know I didn't.

 

There are a couple things at work here, summed up below:

 

The Myth

In order to be complete and fulfilled, you must find one "significant other" to love. This significant other must consider you his or her siginificant other and love you back with equal devotion til death do you part.

 

The Taboo

It is somehow unwholesome to love yourself.

 

~Peter McWilliams (again) "Love 101: To Love Onself is the Beginning of a Lifelong Romance" (again)

 

It starts with fairy tales at a young age. I was quite the fan of Cinderella. For a long time I approached relationships with this underlying, unchallenged assumption/fantasy that some guy would come along and "save" me, and that would make everything fine and we'd ride off into the sunset together for the "happy ending" that all those stories promised.

 

It takes a lot of introspection to get to the bottom of what you believe and why you believe it. Introspection is not something that's high on the list of "Things That Are Encouraged And Rewarded" in this (American) culture. It's not up there with say, looking a certain way or having the right cell phone.

 

Most of us don't learn how to comfortably be with ourselves. How many people do you know/have you heard of who won't ever do things alone like go to the movies or eat at a restaurant? It's not the end of the world if we do stuff alone...that is the only way we learn how to be with ourselves. After all, if you cannot stand your own company, how do you expect anyone else to?

 

Good relationships start with the relationship you have with yourself. If you have little self-respect and poor self-esteem, you will allow other people to treat you badly because you treat yourself that way. If you have little self-respect and poor self-esteem, you will relate to others in odd ways....alternately thinking you're somehow not good enough for them, but getting pissed off when you don't get treated very well. Throw in a dash of sexual chemistry, and there's your recipe for disaster.

 

I didn't see a turn-around in my own life and relationships until I worked on the relationship I had with myself. The last 10-15 years, the underlying theme of many things going on in my life has been learning how to not let others treat me badly. Not just romantically, but with my own family and with a former employer. People will treat you as badly as you let them...and what you allow depends on how much you value yourself--determined by the relationship you have with yourself.

 

How many times have you heard people talk about the concept of "THE ONE" in terms of relationships? This concept alone can cause so much unnecessary misery. It makes people do some very stupid things...like staying in a bad relationship because they convince themselves that this is THE ONE (yup. I'm guilty.)....or picking up and moving their entire life 50 miles away from work because this could be THE ONE (guilty...but in my defense, I didn't quit my job)...or putting up with his cheating because this could be THE ONE (guilty, but not for long).

 

You get the picture. Abolishing the concept of THE ONE from my head one of my smarter moves. There is no such thing as THE ONE...people will come into your life...some will be there to teach you lessons, some will be there to learn from you, some will be both teacher and student. Of these people you will become intimately involved with some. But all of these relationships have a shelf life...there will come a point where all the things you need to learn from each other have been covered. When that time comes, you can either say goodbye gracefully or you can fight it tooth and nail. Which will also give you a whole slew of lessons, but they tend to be of the "so...you just HAD to throw your entire body against the stove to find out if it was hot and you now have 3rd degree burns" variety...not recommended...avoid if possible.

 

Yes, I have to admit that sometimes I read posts on here for the "train wreck" factor. But in almost every case, the person posting has the power to change their situation by first changing the way they look at it, and secondly changing their actions to bring them in line with their new way of thinking. The world around you - particularly the advertising we are innundated with - would have you believe that the power to change your life is something outside of you. They are wrong. It is where it has always been -- inside your own thoughts, under your own control.

 

We create our own reality....most people don't want that kind of responsibility.

 

My, what a long, rambling diatribe...written just as much (and possibly more...) for myself as for anyone reading this far. I'd like to thank me for pontificating on several far-flung concepts this morning and most likely boring the crap out of anyone reading this far, although I generally find me rather amusing.

[Mun]

I finally got to read this and I'm glad I did.. very well written Shes2smart... I hope lots of people read this too.. it could change their lives

[mscolly]

I too thoroughly agree with shes2smart, she's got some lessons in there for me as well.

 

I would just like to add one other point. Today, everything is cheap and disposable. It doesn't work anymore, you throw it away and get this year's model. A friendship on internet hits a rocky bit, you cut the cord and look for another friend. Your wife doesn't satisfy you anymore, you divorce and get a prettier, preferably younger one. You argue with your girlfriend, you walk out of the door saying it's all over and think you'll soon find a better one.

 

We tend to expect a lot, and want to pay cheap. We constantly try to match what we have with our expectations, and find the reality wanting. We tend to easily notice what's wrong, we totally overlook the good things we have. We want the latest computer with the fastest processor and that wing-ding new interface, totally overlooking the fact that we don't need it, wouldn't know what to do with it if we had it, and the one we have works perfectly. We can end up being eternally dissatisfied (but then, that's what advertising is all about). Television tells us that only young, handsome and healthy men have fun. What do you do when your hair starts turning grey, if you have any left? You panic.

 

Out with the old model. Then you discover you can't quite afford the new model. You don't know how to find a new girlfriend that comes anywhere near as rewarding as the old one. Calming down, at a distance, you think a bit clearer and remember all the good times, all the good parts, and the bad parts get redimensioned. So you try to get back together again. Till the next rocky part.

 

Modern factories make disposable things at a cheap price. People are always the same as they have always been, they're not disposable, they're not cheap. The price to pay is some suffering at times, some incomprehension, some effort to work things out, some compromises. But the rewards are equally high. Unfortunately, we're not used anymore to paying for quality.