Phoenixfire Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 I wrote this poem and it basically describes how i feel right now... This is the first time i've put any of my work out to rhe public. I appreciate any feedback and any advice or help as to my mental "situation"... SHATTERED Scream. There is a yell, of pain, of sadness, of misery... Cry. The darkness is everywhere, i feel it within me... Dream. Dream of a better place, where i can finally be free... Lie. I tell the people around me i'm content and happy... Stake. Put my heart on the line, because i always do... Again. Stabbed in the back, by someone i thought i knew... Break. Reach that point where my soul gets snapped in two... Pain. Always left behind, left alone, so sad, so blue... Pray. Just keep trying, hoping for something, but what? Spoken. Words that rip my heart, while my soul gets cut... Stay. Here waiting where you told me to go... Broken. I guess you were lying, was it all a show? Useless. Me, that's how i feel now i'm just part one of two... Run. From my problems, from the world, it's true... Heartless. What other word can i use to describe you? Done. With all the pain and crap you put me through. Wait. With a knife pressed against my wrist. Debate. Whether my life is really worth all this. God. Can somebody out there hear me? God? Is there anybody up there really? Someone? I'm sick and tired of all those people who degrade me... Anyone. I've been shattered apart, and i need someone to save me... Link to comment
duke nukem Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 It definitely has a voice. I like it, in a melancholy way. Are you looking for things like structure help or how the idea comes accross? 1 Link to comment
Phoenixfire Posted February 24, 2012 Author Share Posted February 24, 2012 I'm looking for feedback on the poem, what you think about what it portrays, tips and things... really anything Link to comment
duke nukem Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 To me it tells of someone who was either cheated on or left for another by their SO, and they are looking for answers. The depression that they face makes life seem unlivable, and they're looking for someone to save them, as the last line states. Link to comment
Phoenixfire Posted February 25, 2012 Author Share Posted February 25, 2012 To me it tells of someone who was either cheated on or left for another by their SO, and they are looking for answers. The depression that they face makes life seem unlivable, and they're looking for someone to save them, as the last line states. Well i'm glad that was how you took it, because that perfectly describes how i feel. It's not just one person who left me, but others who hurt and used me... The recent events of my life have left me like that, waiting and looking for someone to save me... Link to comment
duke nukem Posted February 26, 2012 Share Posted February 26, 2012 Maybe you're the one to save you. After all, we can only truly rely on ourselves. Link to comment
Phoenixfire Posted February 27, 2012 Author Share Posted February 27, 2012 Maybe you're the one to save you. After all, we can only truly rely on ourselves. I only wish it was that easy... Link to comment
duke nukem Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 I never said it was, and I know it isn't. But I know that we as people will be stronger when we realize we'll always have us. Link to comment
Phoenixfire Posted February 28, 2012 Author Share Posted February 28, 2012 I never said it was, and I know it isn't. But I know that we as people will be stronger when we realize we'll always have us. That's something to think about... Thank you Link to comment
PlayingAces Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 Your poem obviously has a tremendous amount of feeling. Your poem is very straightforward; if you were in a poetry contest, or writing for college, it may be thought of as being juvenile in quality. Poetry is all about interpretation, and when your work leaves no room to guess or imagine, fewer people can relate to it. A few things to work on - definitely your rhyming pattern, or if you're into free styling, perhaps try to make it a bit more complex by discovering new words to use in your work. Proper grammar and punctuation always improves upon any kind of writing. Also, along the same line as making things more complex, symbolism is always a great way to be able to express what you're feeling without just laying it all out there, so to speak. Hope that helps! I think you have a lot of potential. Writing, like anything else, is something that will require time and patience, but it's the passion for what you do that will make all the difference in the world! I hope your next poem is a little more positive, too! 1 Link to comment
duke nukem Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 This is all good info. But if you're writing solely for your pleasure, then do as you wish obviously. How are you doing OP? Link to comment
lalalollipops Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 Wow. I loved this. Good job! I can relate to the poem. It was how I felt in 2011. Link to comment
Phoenixfire Posted March 24, 2012 Author Share Posted March 24, 2012 Thanks for all the feedback and comments. It's good to know that there are people out there who care Link to comment
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