Nine months after...the pain is back...

[fridolyn]

Hi everybody!!!

 

 

 

My -ex- left me 9 months ago. At the beginning, the first 3-4 months I was devastated. Then it got better and better. Until last week, everything was perfect or almost. But last Thursday, I went out and saw my -ex- .( I live in a very small town where we see each other quite often.) She was with a friend of mine and someone told that he was his new boyfriend. I knew that it would happen one day and I was trying to prepare for this moment. I was not feeling that bad but since that night I cant sleep nor eat. Its like Im back to square one. The pain is less intense but it is really affecting me big time anyway. I dont feel any anger and cant cry because what's happening to my -ex- is normal. She has the right to love and be loved again but its so difficult to see (imagine) them together while I'm alone in my bed, in my house. And I dont think I have enough energy to fight the pain anymore....

 

Anyway, my questions are: Would it take me another 9 months to get over it? Would the pain intensify? Should I talk to them and wish them the best or act like I just dont care? How do people in my situation feel and got over that "second pain"? etc.?

 

If you cant answer, its all right, just encourage me because thats what I really need right now.

 

 

Thank you very much!!!

 

Frido

 

**English is my second language, hope my post is clear enough***

[herewegoagain]

I definitely don't think that it will take you another 9 minths. I know it's tough. I saw my ex gf out with someone only a few days after she broke up with me.

 

Do you still have feelings for her? If that was me i would be torn between talking to her, and not saying a word to her at all. That's a tough one.

 

Some people will say just be her friend, others will say to not contact her at all. I wish I had all the answers. But I guess it depends on your true feelings for her.

 

I believe that once you get over this pain again, I think you will definitely be able to move on better. Because now, you know that she is with someone else, and you do not always have to wonder anymore. Now you know it's a fact, and now you can move on.

 

Do you still talk/email each other anymore?

[djgreen_uk]

i have to sympathise with you, this is a pain i am still waiting to experience myself as she has already told me that she is seing someone else. All i can recommend is stick to a NC as i am and give yourself time to get used to this new idea. As 'herewegoagain' said, at least you know for sure and can get on with your life - at the end of the day she is definatly not coming back.

 

"Would it take me another 9 months to get over it?"

 

Probably not, more along the lines of a month i assume - it depends on your social confidence. If you are a confident person who goes out a lot and has a lot to occupy his time then in a months time you will probably be wondering what you were worrying about.

 

"Would the pain intensify?"

 

I can imagine briefly, although this will fade quickly as at the end of the day you are going to have to get used of her bieng with somebody else whether you like it or not - just try to stay focussed on yourself rather than what she is doing.

 

"Should I talk to them and wish them the best or act like I just dont care?"

 

Why bother, you broke up with her for a reason and she has found someone else. You don't want to make yourself a saftey net for her if this relationship fails. Best to start flirting/ seeing other women yourself, this will take a load of your shoulders.

 

"How do people in my situation feel and got over that "second pain"?"

 

By looking at these forums i can only say quite a few. There are always people to help you if you need any support about this, but i would assume that if you have the confidence start seeng other people, try an online dating service if you don't. I am led to believe myself that it does get easier given time.

[fridolyn]

Thank you so much!!! your answers to my questions helped me a lot going through Saturday. Im feeling a bit better now...but its not over yet. I think you are right...I dont think its going to take me another 9 months. I will still take care of myself and stop imagining them together. Why should I do that...thats their lives now, not mine. Sure when I think about the whole thing logically, it makes sense. But emotionnaly, you know its another story.

 

For Herewegoagain: no, we dont chat, mail anymore. But when we see each other we talk but very briefly. This is what I will keep on doing. I will say "hi" "how are you?" then leave. Same for her new boyfriend. God its tough...

 

Thank you again, Herewego and Djgreen. Your posts are very appreciated. I wouldn't mind other posts from you, it will still encourage me. And dont forget that English is my second language.

[djgreen_uk]

my major pain stopper is to occupy your time, you will be surprised how effective that is.

[JT]

Its been about 4 months since I broke up with my ex. To be honest the breakup was bad and I dread seeing her anywhere. I know its going to set me back somewhat, but I have to be as optomistic as possible about the situation. I purposely took myself out of situations of possibly seeing her somewhere by moving, making new friends etc. I hope the day never comes when I run into her.

[light bulb]

JT, I know exactly how you feel. I'm pretty healed, but if I ever saw my ex somewhere with another dude, I'd freak. I wish I was able to move!

[fridolyn]

thank you Jt and Oatmeal!!!

 

I was doing my best to avoid her before she met her new boyfriend. I was so scared. I wouldn't go to my friend's party, to social events etc. because I feared so much. Now that she has someone new (and I know the guy too- a friend), I will still do everything possible to avoid places they could go to. But if I decide to go to these places knowing that they will be there anyway then, I will already know that she will be with the new guy so...I will know what to expect. The first times will be tough then after that, I will probablly get used to it and be the happiest guy on earth. I can't wait for that moment to come...Jesus, I thought that after 9 months I was 90% healed...but now Im back to square one maybe two

 

Thanx again

 

Sorry if my English is not clear enough!!!

[light bulb]

Nah dude, you're OK. You'll see that this is nothing more than a set-back. I think you'll heal from this faster than you realize. I can't say for sure b/c I'm not you, but that's what I'm guessing. You went through the worst times already, now you've just come accross a bump in the road...not even; a pebble! Try to think about all the times you were happy without her since the breakup. Good luck!

[JT]

Ok I have'nt posted in awhile but I think I gotta caus I am kind of upset. I posted about my ex before and its been 4 months I have'nt seen her. To make a long story short my friends of life long became her friends during the relationship. They kinda took sides with her when we had our ugly breakup. I did my best to move on but I feel betrayed, and I miss them dearly. I cannot go back to them though. #1 they hurt me. #2 I dont want to see her and I feel like she stole them from me. I know they are'nt my true friends if they did that to me but I feel so angry about the situation. It was'nt like I left my girlfriend, but I left my life long friends as well. I stayed with her a lot longer than I should have because of the friends thing.. I knew this was going to happen. I had no support whatsoever when I left her. Only my parents. Friends did'nt want to get caught between, so I took the initiative and moved out on my own to a hip neighborhood and made new friends. I kind of 'ran' from it all though. It was too painful to bear. I know she hangs out with them still and It makes me a little jealous too. I miss my friends.. but they are'nt my friends if they chose her over me. They tried to keep in contact but it was a "half arse" attempt. I took it personally. I will never forget this. I saw a pic on a local website of her hanging out with them and it just brought back all of these bad feelings. I've dated other girls in the meantime but no one special. I think I need to be alone for awhile. I've done nothing but get into trouble this summer. I am scared for myself.

[JT]

Ok I have'nt posted in awhile but I think I gotta caus I am kind of upset. I posted about my ex before and its been 4 months I have'nt seen her. To make a long story short my friends of life long became her friends during the relationship. They kinda took sides with her when we had our ugly breakup. I did my best to move on but I feel betrayed, and I miss them dearly. I cannot go back to them though. #1 they hurt me. #2 I dont want to see her and I feel like she stole them from me. I know they are'nt my true friends if they did that to me but I feel so angry about the situation. It was'nt like I left my girlfriend, but I left my life long friends as well. I stayed with her a lot longer than I should have because of the friends thing.. I knew this was going to happen. I had no support whatsoever when I left her. Only my parents. Friends did'nt want to get caught between, so I took the initiative and moved out on my own to a hip neighborhood and made new friends. I kind of 'ran' from it all though. It was too painful to bear. I know she hangs out with them still and It makes me a little jealous too. I miss my friends.. but they are'nt my friends if they chose her over me. They tried to keep in contact but it was a "half arse" attempt. I took it personally. I will never forget this. I saw a pic on a local website of her hanging out with them and it just brought back all of these bad feelings. I've dated other girls in the meantime but no one special. I think I need to be alone for awhile. I've done nothing but get into trouble this summer. I am scared for myself.

[fridolyn]

I thnik you are right Oatmeal. The worst is behind me. The last 2 weeks were a setback for sure but Im already getting better but its not over yet. I now think that its not going to take me another 9 months to forget (heal). Maybe a few more weeks, a few months not more. Once I get used to see them together, it will be all right. And Im less and less scared about seeing them now so can you imagine in a few weeks/months. I just hope It will still think that way "tomorrow".

 

For JT, we are in the same boat buddy. We have to stop thinking about them and look what's ahead of us. Easy to say I know but thats just the way it is. Ive met very nice girls since the break-up. I know that we should not compare your ex with the new girls but the ones Ive met are more suitable for me. (Can we say that?). But for now, I try to enyoy living alone the best I can. Good Luck

[MrMikeWikowski]

Man,

 

I hear you.

 

I just saw my ex last week. What a terrible idea. She wanted to go for coffe and I went. There she told me she was living with someone. I was crushed. I knew it was a possibility that she was seeing someone, but living with them. ARrrrg.

 

I feel so bad. I feel like this is a huge setback. I can't think straigt at all. I am depressed again, and my work is suffering.

 

I feel like such a love sick fool. I wish I didn't still love her so much. I haven't found anyone in the year since we broke up that was as cool as she was.