A tough time getting to No Contact.

[zveric]

I'll try to keep my story brief.

My Ex told me about 6 weeks ago that she was in love with another man, and ws no longer in love with me. It turns out that she had been sleeping with him for about 3 months before she told me this.

 

While this affair was going on, we were applying for, getting, and moving into a new 3 bedroom apartment that is really a jewel. In New York this is a rare and expensive thing. The apartment was here idea.

 

After she told me, I made all the classic mistakes. I begged, cried, professed my love, got angry, TALKED! (worst of all)

 

I initiated No Contact 4 weeks ago by flying to my parents house in Toronto for 3 weeks. She did not call me for the first two and a half weeks. Then she started calling a lot. At first I did not call her back, but eventually I took her call.

 

She was calling to tell me that:

 

A: She was pregnant.

B: She was sure it was mine.

C: She did not intend to keep it.

 

This broke my heart much worse, because we had both wanted and talked about having children. I never had any doubt that we would one day soon have a beautiful family.

 

I came back and went with her for the abortion.

 

I have been trying hard to maintain NC, but she refuses to move out, and I am still looking for a new apartment. I try to be home very little, and to stay at friends houses, but sooner or later I must go home, and she is always there. She is very sweet and warm towards me when she sees me, which makes it worse. I know what I need to do, but she is not making it easy. Usually when people leave you for someone else they actually leave, but not in my case.

 

I would love to hear any advice you guys have. This forum is a truly amazing place. I have meen reading it for a couple weeks now, but never posted

 

I especially would love to hear from anyone who has had a hard time maintaing NC because of living arrangements or jobs or something.

 

Thanks so much.

[WishMistress]

If I were you I would RUN and run away fast! She says that she does not love you, has an affair with another man, aborts your baby, and then refuses you leave your appartment?????? WOW! Run away! Emotional vampirism there.

[JohnnyTable]

You are in a very tough position. You must maintain NC and stay away from her for good, but on the other hand you also have to go home at some point.

 

I would not go back to your place other than to get your things when you leave. When you do, don't talk to her about personal matters. Just go in, get the job done, and leave.

 

Can you stay with friends or someplace? Maintaining contact will just create more problems that will have to be recovered from, in my opinion.

[zveric]

she is totally messed up.

It is hard to reconcile her actions with the person who has been my best and closest friend for practically my entire adult life. She says that she still loves me, and misses me. This is not easy to hear, since it doesn't change anything.

 

I have been staying at friends, but I end up having to go home for one reason or another every couple of days. It is going to take me more than one day to pack all my stuff too. I have started this, but it takes time, and I really don't like being there.

 

until I have a permanent place to move my furniture to, I am kind of half in/half out. Also, I feel bad inflicting myself on my friends for any great length. I am a shell of my former self, and have a hard time being social.

All of these people know me as a very happy and gregarious person, so I think they don't really know how to deal with the (temporary) new me.

 

What I feel like, if I'm really honest with myself, is that all of these problems are excuses for me not being able to let go of my old life with her. On the other hand, I can't keep sleeping on the couch in my office.

[JohnnyTable]

You are right, she is totally mesed up.

 

You must realize and convince yourself that you DO NOT WANT her. If you can do this, then it will be easier to be around her to deal with your things. Honestly, I don't think that you should want her, but those are just words until you actually feel it.

[zveric]

I know I should not want her. When I read what I wrote, it seems insane to post this in the "Getting back together section."

The reality is that I would take her back in a second. I miss her so much.

Our life together often bordered on magical. I realize I must get past this, and that I probably must never see her again, but emotionaly I am nowhere close to that.

 

Thanks for the input guys.

 

Did I mention that the other guy is her Ballroom dance instructor?