Shy Syndrome

[Caldus]

Hey,

 

Trying to break out of this shy syndrome of mine by trying to meet a new girl every day. Problem is I'm always worried about the people around me when I meet a new girl. They will be thinking I'm desperate or something. I know I need to try and smile when I meet them and act confident, etc. but these little things bother me a lot and prevent me from meeting women most of the time. I need someone to convince me that I shouldn't be worrying about these stupid things.

 

Thanks.

[Saraneth]

You shouldn't care what they think. Its not like you'll see them ever again.

[Caldus]

Yes I will because they are in my class...

[Celadon]

Well, you could think of this two ways. First, you are a man with a mission. You have a goal and you're simply executing on your plan to get you there. Nothing wrong with that. People do it all the time -- athletes, stockbrokers, whoever.

 

So what you need to do is block out any hindrances to your goal, including the dreaded "what people will think." Who cares what people think? They'll think you've got a goal and you're working toward it. It's good to try to break out of being shy.

 

Second, you could modify your plan if you think it's making you look weird. Like this -- if you're just going up to a new girl in class every day, methodically, up and down the row of seats like you've got a check list, then yeah, that might make you look strange. Why? Because natural human behavior doesn't work like that!

 

Take advantage of opportunities to say hello to a new person, but use your judgment too. Well, I'm sure you'll do fine. You'll be striking up conversations with complete strangers in no time. Good luck.

[Trojanmn2]

I agree with Ms. Katie Koolio over there.

 

Though I believe in first impressions are very important, especially if you're wanting more of a person. But I think you're expecting too much. Wayyyyy to much. I strike up conservations with new people all the time. I just went to University of West Florida and Im living the bachelor life. Even though I want to hook up with chicks left and right, I still remember to have dignity of good person. I like to meet people, but I'm not expecting things to be hit off with every single person. Just play it cool, you know the things to be, you listed a few. But I really think you're expecting too much, whether its the worst thing or expecting an unlikely thing. Go with the flow, you make your impression and be yourself, but don't get worked up over what they think. You don't want to be hated or disliked, of course not, but you can't expect everybody to love you.

 

This is what you can do, you can do all the things to get a girl and still be shot down. But let that keep you down, if you're always trying to impress them and do what they like, its not going to be cool, always trying to make them like you when you're not being yourself. If you're always doing what they want, then your relationship just failed because we go into relationships (for those who know what they want) knowing what qualities they want, knowing with experience to decide who would be a good match for them.

 

Just chill man!!! Don't be too anxious, I know when I'm getting over anxious when I catch myself not concentrating in class what I paid to learn and instead concentrating on the hottie im sitting next to. I also know when I'm anxious is when I start sweating, but I overcome this by just letting go, and change my attitude on "who cares". And I believe through that the confidence shows and before you know it, you'll be attracting the chicks. That was a general description. But good luck man, don't expect things and if you want to leave a good impression do it, but don't worry yourself over man!

[Caldus]

Alright the big question:

 

"And I believe through that the confidence shows and before you know it, you'll be attracting the chicks."

 

Can someone describe in good detail what it means to be confident? I think I'm confident in myself, but maybe I'm doing something wrong.

[Trojanmn2]

Confident means a many things, these things include loving and knowing yourself and feeling comfortable to be able to not be kocky and rude and know what to say depending in the mood and situation you're in. Knowing to maintain eye contact and smile when its right when you're talking to somebody. Posture is a physicial sign of confidence, your walk, your shoulders, not flexing or straining yourself. And behind it all in your mind, you know what you want, you know what you need for yourself, your ways in life as well as in your demeanor. It goes in your laugh, your talk, and just the way you hold yourself maturely and you're not afraid to be rejected. Its sort of a "don't care" and "confident but knows the border of being kocky" manner. It shows when you're kocky when you're talking about yourself etc. If you know what I mean, im saying its like a balance of being a guy and being rude. Its also can be summed its not in your words in your actions. And the entire "knowing what you want in life" is not a front, its the real thing, you have to know your abilities, love yourself, know and love your goals.

[Celadon]

Amen to that, Trojanmn2. I hear you!

 

I also think that confidence has to do with knowing that YOU are in control of yourself. You are observing the situation, sizing up your options, making up your mind what you want, having an idea of how to get it and trusting your skills to get it.

 

We can't control what other people think or do. Letting those thoughts into our heads only trips us up.

 

Perhaps you are confident about yourself but are still in the process of mastering the social skills. Believe me, that's an ongoing process! Some of those skills include how to have a lighthearted attitude, displaying energy, showing the person you're interested by listening and responding appropriately, offering your thoughts, showing your excitement over something (if it's truly excites you). Also, enjoying yourself!

 

Well, hope some of this helps.

 

K8tie 'Koolio' ... lol 8)

[Trojanmn2]

yes lol Katie Koolio!!! Great detail. Thanks for that, so.....what are YOU doing up tonight? lol, im surviving the hurricane, but anyways, yes back to the topic here, it is ongiong process, ever changing with every single person you meet. Its a great feeling to meet people and its incredibly fun to have a challenge especially. Sometimes the feelings that come associated with it like nervousness, being clever and witty, to find a niche of the relationship you're trying to form.

[Caldus]

What kind of clothes should I wear in order to get the girls? What kind of posture? Should I smile all the time? I'm just so afraid to all of the sudden change like this because then people in my classes are going to think I'm some kind of weirdo.

 

Anyway, I just went to the doctor today and got some medication that should help with my anxiety.

[Trojanmn2]

Its the clothes you like man, you can dress however you want. You see, you're being anxious again. You are your own person, you have your own goals, you have your own likes in females. If you're wanting to attract a girl thats super hot, but dresses differently than she does, why would you be something you're not to impress her. I mean who knows personalities could match, but I would rather take the route of being myself and attracting people to me that I would see myself with in the future. I'm not expecting anything from these people, and i'm not going out of the way to change my clothes and lifestyle to "attract" another person.

 

With that being said there are some things than be given as advice on what to wear and how to attract. But by no means if you do NOT like them, don't force yourself into something you don't normally like. For example, if you wear loose baggy jeans and you're trying to attract somebody to you buy some low rise fade jeans. I personally hate those jeans because 1) I don't like low rises on my hips, 2) i dont' like tight jeans on me anyways.

 

As for posture, I don't slouch personally, I don't hang my shoulders low when i walk, I bring them back. I don't like looking down at my shoes avoiding eye contact, my eyes are always moving, i'm not afraid to lock eye contact with anybody. When I smile i usually smile to chicks of course, i nod to guys lol when i lock eye contact. But I also don't go around showing me teeth all over the place. Looks too happy. But through all this, I'm doing what I enjoy and I'm expressing how I really am. I like to meet people, and I don't mind peoples eyes on me. I'm not looking to impress these people, i'm just being laid back. I'm not going out of my way to impress them, this is how I am. I'm not being hypocritical with what I'm saying here because this is how I am. I make sure my demeanor is just...proper.

[amerkraker]

f**k other people, just go for it

[Celadon]

What kind of clothes should I wear in order to get the girls? What kind of posture? Should I smile all the time? I'm just so afraid to all of the sudden change like this because then people in my classes are going to think I'm some kind of weirdo.

 

I think you're doubting your own motives, and you don't need to. ARE you some weirdo? Of course not! You're just a guy who is making some positive improvements in his life.

 

People are more accepting of change than you think. Sure it's comfortable to stay the same all the time and forever, but people who are active and vital inevitably change. They can't help but change.

 

If you suddenly heard some jazz music and you loved it, you would follow your interest and listen to more, wouldn't you? Same thing here. People wouldn't think, "Man, he's weird. He suddenly likes jazz and he didn't before!" They'd think, "Cool. Jazz."

 

Enjoy finding some clothes you like. Make it a cool adventure. Poke around stores you don't usually go to. Or if you know anyone whose style you admire, talk about clothes with them and find out where they shop. Something will pop out at you when you shop. That's your first step to finding your own cool style.

 

Follow Trojanmn2's advice on the smiling and posture and clothes and stuff. He's right on.

 

Speaking of whom, keep safe over there, Trojan! I hear Ivan's being followed by Jean...

[troublegal05]

Hey don't worry about being shy...Alot of girls find that really attractive. I for one love shy guys. There's somthing thats just very genuine about them. I'm sure lots of girls would love to go out with someone like you.

[Caldus]

But how do I know that they are interested in me?

[Celadon]

I'd say "interest" develops over time. It's not like you'll look up one day and there'll be this girl who is head over heels for you. More probably, you'll get to know a girl as a friend for a bit, then you'll notice that she keeps coming up to you to talk, or is giving you looks, or asks to be included in something you're doing, or laughs at all your jokes. Just be on the lookout for a bunch of signs over time.

 

Also, sometimes a girl might not know if she is or is not interested in you, and she does things to get to know you better. So that could be happening too.

[Trojanmn2]

lol, you're still sounding so overly anxious man. You don't have to worry yourself stupid trying to figure out if they're interested or not. What you can do if you're really wondering is 1) ask or 2) show interest back, or just plain interest 3) or just do nothing. I think what you have to do is really deal with yourself first and then worry about what shes thinking later. But I find myself not expecting anything when i talk to chicks who are attractive. I just be myself, be nice, but I know what my boundary is to actually start to talk to her on a different level. I learned not to expect things like that, it will happen when it will happen. Sure I will try to make an effort for something to happen like showing throwing some signals or conversating to know more about her while in the meantime I'll be myself and act natural.