Is there any need for NC in this circumstance?

[Jyebo]

Hi everyone

 

Broken up for 2 months, were together 2.5 years, she broke up with me. We had a good relationship, we were well suited.. things went weird about 4 months before the breakup.

 

She wanted to remain friends, wasn't really sure what she wanted or what was wrong. But definitely was sure on the breakup. Said things couldn't go on this way. Basically things got stale, both our lives were hectic with uni and both low on money.

 

I've seen her only a few times since the breakup, she knows how I feel, she knows I want to work things out. She doesn't think we can, as she is content on being on her own at the moment and has a mind set on the breakup. After telling her how I felt and asking her what went wrong and if we could fix it, I asked her to try us doing new things together to try and make a few changes. She told me she didn't like me thinking that way, as I wasn't being fair on myself. She said to call her if I felt as though I could hang out just as friends.

 

I didn't call for 2.5 weeks.. I called her tonight for help with some uni work, she is coming over on thursday.

 

Did I do the right thing? I honestly feel that NC isn't helping me, I think about her 24/7, so I might aswell be seeing her and trying to act as friends than sit at home wondering.

 

What do you think? What should I do? What shouldn't I do? Why is she being like this?

 

Thanks

[justtwicethen]

Youre going to have to do NC, but a little longer than 2 weeks my friend. Atleast 1 month if not 2. Make her realise what she has lost. The fact that she is coming over shows that she is still in love with you but has serious issues.

[Princess777]

Greetings.

 

I'm really sorry this is happening to you right now. I don't know about this.... I don't think I'd go as far to say she's still in love with you. I think she's feeling guilty myself, hence the friendship offer. I think you should definitely continue NC. It doesn't sound like she is into the relationship anymore as far as intimacy, I mean what kind of person says Call me when you think you can be friends?. .... To me that's the kind of person who may as well say, "We are never going to be more than friends"..... I think you are wasting your time waiting for her. If she really still was in love with you she would NOT mention the word "friend". That only comes out when a girl makes up her mind that there is no chemistry, the attraction is no longer there, or it won't ever be there.

 

Sorry to sound harsh but this is merely my opinion and my advice..... of course I can only go by what I would say/do and by my past experiences, so please do whatever feels right to you but please don't torture yourself by being around her when she clearly wants to play the field for right now. Your best bet is NC to get your self confidence back up... and for the record, NC NEVER feels right in the beginning.

[Mjane]

Jyebo,

I don't want to dash your hopes. I know we are all seeking reassurance of our hopes that our exs will wake up and come back to us. But I agree with Princess on this one.

I've realized there are many different kinds of break ups. It's like people, they come in all different shapes and sizes and send out a ton of different signals.

In your case I'm reading this: You gf took a long time to decide that she wanted to end things. This is actually positive because she took the relationship and her decision seriously and is not really giving you mixed signals. It's over. She's not interested. She's offering to be friends because she feels guilty and probably because you were friends and she doesn't want to lose that. But in my experience, I (and other girls I know) can only be "friends" with guys after a relationship if there are no romantic feelings left.

It's that case almost with every girl I know.

[Jyebo]

Woah.. that hurt.. she has told me that she doesn't really know whats wrong and that she's not ruling me out forever, she just doesn't know how to be happy at the moment, so she broke up with me. You don't think that she wants to remain friends so that when she figures herself out that if we're both still single or become single that we can possibly get back together?

 

I'm going crazy with this, it is occupying my thoughts constantly, and the worst thing is I've been trying to go out with other women, but I just can't find anyone I like more than my ex.. it worries me

 

What do you think?

[shockeddismayed]

Jyebo,

 

The feelings that you are having about not finding someone else who interests you are common. You have spent a great deal of time with this girl.... it will take A LONG time to feel ready for something new.

 

Deal with that.... Deal with it as it's own issue.

 

As for being friends with your EX.... I say SCREW HER (on your behalf). You don't need a pitty friendship my friend. If you want to be friends with her, then do it..... but not until you feel you could honestly see her with another guy and have it not bother you... true friends means that you could handle it (you may not like it, but you could handle it).

 

My guess, and this is not criticism, is that you are NOWHERE NEAR truly being friends with this girl.

 

You should walk away entirely... once you've been on your own to the point where you have felt more comfortable hanging out with other girls... once you can say "ok, I went on a date with X and Y and Z, and I was attracted to them, but the "spark" wasn't there"... that is the point at which you can start to consider your EX again.

 

Why do I say that? B/c when you first break up from a serious relationship, it is SOOOOOOO easy to think that you can never be with someone else... that is the sign of true fidelity... you should be proud of that feeling.

 

But that feeling doesn't belong anymore. It reallly doesn't. Your EX is not being faithful (at least in spirit) to you anymore...you must force yourself to do the same. Once you get to the point where you can notice and be interested in other girls, you will also be at the point where you can objectively choose to go back to your EX... a point where you can objectively choose to take the long (often TORTUOUS) path toward winning her heart back through friendship.

 

In the meantime, cast her aside as she has done to you.... let the both of you grow, and take her up on her offer when you are truly willing to do that... not just simply trying to deceive her into something more. If her offer was legit, it will still be on the table 1, 2 even 10 years from now. Don't go there until you are ready for that to be the BEST that comes from the relationship.

 

Just my food for thought.