How to deal with the disappointment?

[LittleHope]

It's been almost six months since my breakup, and over the last month I've finally made some progress in finding acceptance and moving on. I no longer put my ex on a pedestal quite as I used to, I think I understand some of the main reasons for the breakup and I can finally accept the idea that there's nothing left to be salvaged from this relationship. However, I'm still hurt and miss the person I fell in love with...

 

The one last thing that I currently find impossible to work through (at least I don't feel like I'm making any progress on this front) is this overwhelming feeling of disappointment.

 

I'm disappointed that it was so seemingly easy for her to walk away from a 5 year relationship. I'm disappointed that she didn't give us a single chance to work on our problems before walking away. I'm disappointed that she didn't show any signs of missing me, while I was going through hell. I'm disappointed that she strung me along for months before finally telling me outright that it's over. I'm disappointed that she showed no signs of compassion or sympathy while she put me through the hardest months in my life. I'm disappointed in myself, that I kept pleading and pursuing, all the while making it easier for her to lose any lingering feelings or respect towards me. I don't understand how she could treat a loved one this way, someone she claimed to be the most important person in her life, which makes me question her feelings in the first place.

 

Sometimes I only wish for her to regret her decision and come crawling back. I actually doubt that I would want to get back together, but I long for her to tell me that it wasn't quite as easy for her as she made it look. Friends of mine have had this happen to them, and I imagine it to be the most gratifying thing in the world. I know this longing is petty and egotistical, but I still can't shake it.

 

I've found some great advice on these forums, mostly in reading through other people's posts. One thing that I didn't find addressed so far though, is how to deal with these overwhelming feelings of disappointment. I've been trying to address and work through these feelings for weeks now, but can't seem to make any progress, so any advice is much appreciated.

[DerekJason]

Forgive yourself, and let go of the past is what i've gathered so far, man.

[LaKings55]

Disappointment for me is easy to deal with. Life is generally filled with disappointing events, but we learn from them, we grow stronger, and we try harder. My situation was not so different from yours, and my ex's indifference and coldness was very disheartening. Not only was I going through a tough time in other aspects of my life, the one person I had come to count on dropped a bombshell on me at the worst possible time, and just dumped more drama, disappointment and pain on top of me. That was over 10 months ago. I've come to realize I shouldn't count on anyone other than myself, I'm perfectly capable and happy by myself, and I'm as focused and motivated as I've ever been in my life. So in a way, I'm grateful for the experience. As terrible as everything was at the time, I'm stronger, more wise, less naive, and I have my priorities sorted.

[FreeFallFeelin]

I know exactly what you're talking about OP. It's like life has stretched you to the extremes of love and contentment vs. loss and shock, all at the same time. It's overwhelming. It makes you feel nuts and especially since the ex is happy and moved on ...not even aware that you are in a serious life altering experience that sucks so bad you wish you would just die! It sucks, and it's not fair. I'm no where even near that point yet myself, and it scares me to know that it is common to hurt so deeply for as long as you have.

 

Our only option is to accept what happened, and let it go. Move on. The ex's aren't even aware of our pain, so we continue for nothing...

[LittleHope]

@DerekJason, thanks for the advice, I've also heard similar from friends, and I think it's excellent advice. Unfortunately I somehow find it difficult to apply in my current situation... Maybe I have a twisted understanding of forgiveness, but for me, to be able to forgive I must feel wronged. I know how to forgive actions, I have forgiven myself for the way me and her acted after our breakup, because it was a messed up situation and we couldn't have acted very differently given what we knew and how we felt. But in forgiving her and myself I've also come to think less of both her and me, and that I didn't really know or understand her in the first place. Maybe I just haven't really forgiven anyone...

 

@LaKings55, thank you for your advice as well. I can appreciate how much I've learned over the past six months and I like to think that I've grown more than in any other period of my life, yet I find little consolation in the lessons I've learned. She was the first love of my life, and before this breakup I believed in true love, loyalty and taking responsibility for someone else (despite being a rather pragmatic and pessimistic person in general). Losing this believe sometimes feels like a greater loss than losing her. I know that I can become a stronger, more independent and confident person through this ordeal, but I wonder if giving up my naive hopes and dreams isn't a bigger loss. Not that there's anything I can do about it at this point.

[ForwardOn]

I am sorry you are going through all of this. Things will get better, believe me. While my past relationship was not anywhere as long as yours, there were parallels, and I want you to hear me out on some of the ways of thinking that has helped me deal with and overcome the sense of disappointment.

 

First of all, one of the things I did was looked back at how things were. At first, it seemed like I had lost a very good thing, but with time, I saw that I had invested a lot in the relationship, likely more than she did. I wanted things to be well and for us to be happy, and I put in a lot of effort and time and attention into us. Count all the things that you did for her. All the ways you worked hard to make things work. Have your list? Good. Now, realize that all of that is lost. There's a thing that business people call sunk costs. Sometimes we put in so much that we believe that we will only be rewarded with returns. That's not always the case. Sometimes we lose more by investing even more after the investment has shown itself to be a bad one. In some ways, it's good to feel the disappointment, because it means that we are facing the reality and accepting the fact that we are not going to get what we hoped for. As Derek had said above, face it, and forgive yourself. Right now, there is little more we can do that will actually yield the life we had wanted with the person who we loved; it may even prove to be counterproductive if we let that past further affect how we live out our days ahead.

 

I also believe that we can often channel that negativity we experience from disappointment and turn it into positive fuel for the things that will move us forward. Forget about getting any validation from her. Right now, you have to focus on your life. The more you invest in yourself, the more you will see your life improve, and the more diminished that disappointment becomes. Now is the time to give yourself a break. Now is the time to give your attention to the activities, interests and people that make you happy, not a relationship that is behind you, not the person most unlikely to give you what you need right now. Now is the time you realize that you have work ahead of you. It is time to rebuild yourself, just as any community has had to do when a natural disaster or other unexpected misfortunes affect it. It is renewal that is your task now. It won't be easy, that I know. You will find yourself thinking of what could have been, or what you should have done, but every time you do, you have to remind yourself that this is not the time for that. You have hard work ahead, and you can't be held back by a past you cannot change. Feel the urgency of your mission.

 

I swear, sometimes we get comfortable about disappointment, because it's like Stockholm syndrome: we develop attachment to familiar suffering, that which holds our lives hostage. Do yourself a favor, and set yourself free. I can say best of luck to you, but there's no luck needed in this. It's a lot of self-awareness and work. We are strong, resilient beings. Don't underestimate yourself. Know what you want out of your life and build towards that. You will make yourself better, stronger and more deserving of love that will return to you what you will have given.

[LittleHope]

@FreeFallFeelin, I know from your thread that your separation is much more recent and given that you're a few years older than me you probably don't need me telling you this, but maybe it's a little consolation: looking back over the past few months I've found that things do get better with time - a lot, but also very slowly. But I'm grateful that I'm finally at a point where I can observe some progress, even if it might be another few months until I feel that I'm over her. I agree when you say "Our only option is to accept what happened, and let it go. Move on. The ex's aren't even aware of our pain, so we continue for nothing..."; I was holding onto the pain and suffering for months, so I could project my own feelings onto her - subconsciously thinking "how could she not be suffering as well when I'm in so much pain?". Of course this kinda thinking was only self-destructive...

 

@ForwardOn, thank you for your words of encouragement, they help a lot.