endless spiral..

[secksy ecksy]

i've been sitting here for and hour and a half now, just scratching myself with knives and poking my arm with a pen. i popped a blood vessel and now its huge. i scratched up my legs and now they're just big red lines.

i realized it was going nowhere, and i still have a 10 page report due in the morning. ugh..

3 friends of mine know i cut, and they all generally feel the same way about me. they say i should see a counselor. but there is no way i could even meet one..my parents think im an angel. and i cant see any school counselors, because 1) they know my parents too well, and 2) i have too good of a record to mar by simple guidance visits.

all 3 of those friends have gone to counseling and came out better. the thing is, it would cause a lot of trouble in my family. my dad would never even go because he doesnt need something as silly as a nudge in the right direction. my mom would probably end up getting a divorce, if she could sign any papers between bouts of tears. and i..well, i would wind up feeling worse than i started, just because of my parents.

plus, if word got out at school, i would never be able to live it down or pretend to be so happy-go-lucky as i have been in the past.

right now i am feeling so much stress that i want to puke. so i was thinking that if someone read this, i might feel a little more at ease.

thanks if anyone read this..

~cris

[nothingontheinside]

cris of course i read this. god i wish i could make things better but it seems u shoudl just start by trying not to procrastinate. do not stay up till 330 o'clock in the morning on the phone with a friend from ohio when u chould be doing the homework. tell ur friend that u have homework, they'll understand.

what can we say to cris to make her feel better? anyone who knows her please post. i just want to say this:

 

CAN'T FIGHT THIS FEELING by Reo Speedwagon

 

I can't fight this feeling any longer.

And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow.

What started out as friendship,

Has grown stronger.

I only wish I had the strength to let it show.

 

I tell myself that I can't hold OUT forever.

I said there is no reason for my fear.

Cause I feel so secure when we're together.

You give my life direction,

You make everything so clear.

 

And even as I WANDER,

I'm keeping you in sight.

You're a candle in the window,

On a cold, dark winter's night.

And I'm getting closer than I ever THOUGHT I MIGHT.

 

And I can't fight this feeling anymore.

I've forgotten what I started fighting for.

It's time to bring this ship into the shore,

And throw away the oars, forever.

 

Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore.

I've forgotten what I started fighting for.

And if I have to crawl upon the floor,

Come crashing through your door,

Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore.

 

My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you.

I've been running round in circles in my mind.

And it always seems that I'm following you, girl,

Cause you take me to the places,

That alone I'd never find.

 

And even as I wander,

I'm keeping you in sight.

You're a candle in the wind,

On a cold, dark winter's night.

And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might.

 

And I can't fight this feeling anymore.

I've forgotten what I started fighting for.

It's time to bring this ship into the shore,

And throw away the oars, forever.

 

Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore.

I've forgotten what I started fighting for.

And if I have to crawl upon the floor,

Come crashing through your door,

Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore.

[i_hate_the_world47]

Well,Cris,though i dont know you i undertand your point of veiw.When my parents found out about my self harm,my family was screwed up for awhile.But,after counseling and long long talks,we became what we had once been loving funtioning famiyl.What im trying to say is its going to be hard at first.But,after awhile things WILL look up.I wish you the best of luck and if you ever need someone to talk to feel free to PM me.

 

~Meagan~

[Finchabald]

cutting is nothing to be ashamed of. it is a bit insulting for you to talk about it that way infact. councellors hav a strict confidentiality regime so they cant tell your parents. your parents would understand anyway. mine did. nobody's perfect, not even angels.

[mymelancholysoul]

The following is known as, 'The Bill of Rights for those Who Self Harm'

 

1. The right to caring, humane medical treatment.

Self-injurers must receive the same level and quality of care that a person presenting with an identical but accidental injury would receive. Procedures must be done as gently as they would be for others. If stitches are required, local anesthesia must be used. Treatment of accidental injury and self-inflicted injury must be identical.

2. The right to participate fully in decisions about emergency psychiatric treatment

(As long as nobody's life is in immediate danger)

When a person presents at the emergency room with a self-inflicted injury, his or her opinion about the need for a psychological assessment must be considered. If the person is not in obvious distress and is not suicidal, he or she must not be subjected to an arduous psych evaluation. Doctors should be trained to assess suicidality/homicidality and must realize that although referral for outpatient follow-up may be advisable, hospitalization for self-injurious behavior alone is rarely warranted.

3. The right to body privacy.

Visual examinations to determine the extent and frequency of self-inflicted injury must be performed only when absolutely necessary and done in a way that maintains the patient's dignity. Many who SI have been abused; the humiliation of a strip-search is likely to increase the amount and intensity of future self-injury while making the person subject to the searches look for better ways to hide the marks.

4. The right to have feelings behind SI validated.

Self-injury does not occur in a vacuum. The person who self-injures usually does so in response to distressing feelings, and those feelings must be recognized and validated. Although the care provider might not understand why a particular situation is extremely upsetting, she or he can at least understand that it *is* distressing and respect the self-injurer's right to be upset about it.

5. The right to disclose to whom they choose only what they choose.

No care provider should disclose to others that injuries are self-inflicted without obtaining the permission of the person involved. Exceptions can be made in the case of team-based hospital treatment or other medical care providers when the information that the injuries were self-inflicted is essential knowledge for proper medical care. Patients must be notified when others are told about their SI and as always, gossiping about any patient is unprofessional.

6. The right to choose what coping mechanisms they will use.

No person should be forced to choose between self-injury and treatment. Outpatient therapists should never demand that clients sign a no-harm contract; instead, client and provider should develop a plan for dealing with self-injurious impulses and acts during the treatment. No client should feel they must lie about SI or be kicked out of outpatient therapy. Exceptions to this may be made in hospital or ER treatment, when a contract may be required by hospital legal policies.

7. The right to have care providers who do not allow their feelings about SI to distort the therapy.

Those who work with clients who self-injure must keep their own fear, revulsion, anger, and anxiety out of the therapeutic setting. This is crucial for basic medical care of self-inflicted wounds but holds for therapists as well. A person who is struggling with self-injury has enough baggage without taking on the prejudices and biases of their care providers.

8. The right to have the role SI has played as a coping mechanism validated.

No one should be shamed, admonished, or chastised for having self-injured. Self-injury works as a coping mechanism, sometimes for people who have no other way to cope. They may use SI as a last-ditch effort to avoid suicide. The self-injurer should be taught to honor the positive things that self-injury has done for him/her as well as to recognize that the negatives of SI far outweigh those positives and that it is possible to learn methods of coping that aren't as destructive and life-interfering.

9. The right not to be automatically considered a dangerous person simply because of self-inflicted injury.

No one should be put in restraints or locked in a treatment room in an emergency room solely because his or her injuries are self-inflicted. No one should ever be involuntarily committed simply because of SI; physicians must make the decision to commit based on the presense of psychosis, suicidality, or homicidality.

10. The right to have self-injury regarded as an attempt to communicate, not manipulate.

Most people who hurt themselves are trying to express things they can say in no other way. Although sometimes these attempts to communicate seem manipulative, treating them as manipulation only makes the situation worse. Providers must respect the communicative function of SI and assume it is not manipulative behavior until there is clear evidence to the contrary.

 

(by Deb Martinson, Secret Shame link removed )

 

If you are considering seeing a psychologist, then please keep those ten policies in mind. It is not okay to self harm and it is not okay or right for you to feel depressed. I am a self harmer of four years and believe me, this will not stop unless you have the will and determination to make it stop. Please be safe and I wish you the best of luck -hugs-

[Nyere]

It would appear that you want help, or at least want to try and stop, but you're too afraid that someone you know will find out. So if you're too afraid (I know all about that, trust me) then find someone you don't know to talk to - this forum, for example, or a helpline, if for no other reason than to just talk it out of your system. If you can't use your housephone or dont have a mobile, then maybe a payphone?