I come to a severe crossroad in my life, dont know what to do

[Catarro]

Hello,

 

I come to you in my hour of need, I've exhausted everyone's advice on this, and have repetitively asked God to show me what to do. If this thread is in the wrong place, please transfer it to a more appropriate section.

 

Please bear with me, this is quite long.

 

I finished my degree a year ago, i was invited for a job that i liked a lot, I had a good thing going on for the past year, an amazing woman and the future seemed promising. Truthfully, though i liked the job, it didn't pay very well, and would never do probably.

Then, just of a sudden, I felt a huge need to pursue a childhood dream, the dream I had of studying medicine. So, I managed to secure a scholarship in another country, quit everything, and went there. I believe this decision was an emotional decision, based on a frustration that I have been carrying with me for a long time (not being a doctor), and truth be told, it was a selfish decision. I only thought of myself and didn't think of other people involved (my woman, my bosses that invested a lot in me, etc.). I basically spat on a great life God gave me with zero afford on my part.

 

Though I asked God to make me do the right thing, in reality I had already made the decision in my heart to go, and here I am 3 months in medical school.

The problem is, in the past few months, a lot has happened. I simple hate the place, I hate the faculty, and every bit of the student life here. The social isolation and barriers are huge! My soon to be wife surprised me by cheating and leaving me for another guy. Everything came tumbling down, and everything together really hit me in the face. So this huge depression set in. Though I am supposedly doing what I always wanted, I fell out of love for it. I cant stand the idea of being here for another 6 years! I cant stand being here for another day, I cant focus and study, I have loads of anxiety just being in class. The only thing I want to do is leave this place, go back to my country, get a new job there and restart my life. The problem is, it is impossible to get the old job back (though i tried not to, i left on bad terms), and anything I will get will probably never fulfil me like medicine would. The only way it will happen is if God takes it out of my heart the will to be a doctor. Believe me, I have asked for it a lot. The job market is bad, and if it wasn't for God I would have no hope in finding something that I enjoyed.

 

So now I have the following options:

 

1- Stay against the will of my every fibre, and suck it up, even though i really don't see myself being able to do it. I cry all the time, I feel like a disoriented kid, the stress made me lose half my hair and a lot of weight. I'm a wreck. On the positive side, if I manage to hold it, I will end up being a doctor and doing what I want. I'm having an opportunity people would kill for, I know that. But the only thing that makes the pain feel lesser is the though of going back home, get my grip back, get a job, start a family and aim for happiness in another career.

 

2- Go back, I believe God will help me secure a job that will fulfil me, but it wont be medicine. I have no reason to doubt that, my family has always been blessed, even though I have fallen out of God's ways sometimes. Besides, though the chances are very slim, it is always possible to be admitted to one of my countries medical schools (but the chances are really slim). I will apply every year, and I would apply even if I stayed here.

With this option, it will basically mean that I threw everything I had in the bin to pursue my dream, just to go back with my tail between my legs to a lesser "state" so to speak (jobless and wifeless).

I'm afraid if I go I will regret it for the rest of my life. But I really can't hold it, its so hard. I need to be home safe, with my family, with my friends, and rebuild myself.

 

Even if I leave, I learned some valuable lessons. This period of time made me closer to God then any other experience in my life. I learned the hard way the true value of a supporting family and friends. It made me see the true face of my deceiving future wife, imagine if I had married her! It also made me know myself better, my limits and personality. I will probably think 100 times before I make another decision, and will definitely do it thinking about everyone involved.

 

So now I ask God to help me make the right decision, though in my heart I just want to go home. I also ask for God to bless me and help me in which path he chooses for me.

 

I can imagine most of you thinking: "what is this spoiled brat complaining about!?". I know this is nothing compared to some problems a lot of us face, but the feelings of doubt and desperation are nonetheless extremely painful.

 

I ask for your comprehension, and above all, some advice.

[inthemeadow]

It's so easy to yearn for what you don't have. And once you get it, you realize how much you miss the positives of what you left behind. You don't think as much about the negatives of what you don't have. That's pretty common human behavior.

 

It makes me uncomfortable how much you are following "God" instead of sitting down and writing the pros and cons of either decision. When you thought that moving away was God's decision for you, and then when it's not working out you decide that you misinterpreted Him, it's just not a stable way to make decisions. How do you know it's God and not YOU? I know a woman who lost several million dollars because God "told" her to make some bad investments. She's rebuilding her life, but she won't even meet make any moves to meet people she needs to meet until "God puts them in her path."

 

It's not my place to bring religion under criticism though.

 

Ask yourself this: what will make you happy IN THE LONG RUN? Can you suffer a little now and study hard in order to do something great for people, that is to practice medicine? Are you making yourself suffer now more than you need to? If it's that bad, and medical school does take a long time to complete, then move back if it'll make you sick to stay. However, you made a big investment and sacrifice to be where you are. Maybe you should wait more than a measly few months before running away from it. See if they have counseling, make friends you can talk to. It is NOT easy to become a doctor by any means. Not everyone is cut out for it, and there's no shame in finding that out. Better now than five years down the line!

 

Please don't rely on "Falling in love" with your decisions or relying on some unpredictable higher power. Make a rational choice for your overall happiness.

[Catarro]

Thanks for the anwser.

 

Staying here is making me sick. Things don't get much better where I am. If I was studying at home things would become easier, that would be the perfect situation. After what has happened I need some family support, I need some future perspective regarding my love life (something I want to rebuild as it is part of my plan to have a family). I need to be in a comfortable place where I can heal emotionally and rebuild myself as a person, physically, mentally and socially.

 

Yes, in the long run being a doctor would make me happier, or so I think. Maybe going back will open a new career for me that would make me a wealthier man and even happier as opposed to earning small bucks as an European junior doctor (or not getting a job at all, things are though now) and postponing my life (professionally and otherwise) 6 years. Unfortunately I cannot see the future. One thing I am certain, though I feel terrible now and things will get a bit easier, I will still be miserable for the whole 6 years.

 

I understand I should give time, time itself. A couple of months is not a long time. But what if in a year I still want to quit? Then it will be a year down the drain, as opposed to leaving and rebooting my life now, and believe me, I am not that young.

 

I understand my speech is really of someone that has already made up my mind. Things are hurting a lot and being here is not helping at all. The idea of making another mistake (leaving or staying) is scaring the crap out of me!

[inthemeadow]

It sounds like a truly tough decision. I don't envy you having to make it. It's ok to make mistakes and return home, but please, make sure it is the right decision to leave. Talk to AS MANY people about it as possible, not just on this forum but at your school. People who know more about your situation will be able to help you more. Especially counselors. It's hard to be in medical school, let alone in another country where you don't know anyone. It is hard to be admitted to med school in the US though, and the job market isn't great here (though it is getting better). Good luck with your decision!

[Catarro]

Thanks. I have asked a lot of people, most of them say that is my decision to make and don't want to give me that much advice lol. My parents see how depressed I am, and obviously being worried parents they say its not worth it any more and that I should go home. My mother knows me very well to know I will regret this, but it is always easier to regret something when we aren't feeling the pain of it.

This is really a life decision, and I have no clue which is the best, and if I can handle any of them.

[WhenWillILove]

Do you have to take any exams when you go back to your country to get your MD license in your country?

[quantumst8]

Sounds to me like you're on the right path. By the way, the right one is usually the hard one, the one with no guarantees, and the one where you can't see past the horizon. Making this choice allowed your previous girlfriend to show her true colors by cheating on you (the reason for cheating doesn't matter--people of character leave a relationship rather than cheat).

 

It's a normal reaction for people to want to go running back to what was familiar and comfortable once they make a choice to go down a difficult path. The difficulty makes a person question everything and look for any and all excuses to quit. You have to remember why you made the choice to go down the hard path in the first place and then have faith in that choice. Then you have to pace yourself, take it a day at a time, wake up each morning remembering that the hardship will be worth it, and that no matter how difficult it gets, a comfortable life with no challenge is death to the spirit and a far worse fate.

[Catarro]

Do you have to take any exams when you go back to your country to get your MD license in your country?

 

I have to take the same exams as the one's that finish their degree in my home country.

 

Sounds to me like you're on the right path. By the way, the right one is usually the hard one, the one with no guarantees, and the one where you can't see past the horizon. Making this choice allowed your previous girlfriend to show her true colors by cheating on you (the reason for cheating doesn't matter--people of character leave a relationship rather than cheat).

 

It's a normal reaction for people to want to go running back to what was familiar and comfortable once they make a choice to go down a difficult path. The difficulty makes a person question everything and look for any and all excuses to quit. You have to remember why you made the choice to go down the hard path in the first place and then have faith in that choice. Then you have to pace yourself, take it a day at a time, wake up each morning remembering that the hardship will be worth it, and that no matter how difficult it gets, a comfortable life with no challenge is death to the spirit and a far worse fate.

 

Thanks for your post quantum. Both choices here are going to be hard. Right now going back seems to be the easy one, but I can't forget I will be unemployed and looking. Staying is the choice of reason here, despite that I want to go back because this situation is killing me slowly. Since I lost her, I want to better myself in ways I cannot do here. I also want to get my life going, make some money, and eventually find someone of interest and character (yeah, she sucked on that department). Believe me, these are things that are impossible to accomplish where I am. What awaits me here is a slow agonizing process that will continue for 6 years! Six!!! That makes me think it is not worth the trouble when I already have a good degree and good prospects...

[WhenWillILove]

Yeah but if you don't do it and 6 years go by, you'll wonder then, "What if?"

[Catarro]

Yup, that's something that could happen.