How to deal with what-if's and suspicions about your breakup?

[Fela Kuti]

Hi guys,

 

I'm on NC now and I think I can cope with the thoughts of her that often times come into mind. But there's always these nagging questions like "what if I had done this and that? we're probably still a couple now," "did her ex come back to the picture without my knowledge?" "was her reason for breaking up legit or made up?" and many other things. Sometimes I just feel like asking her but that'd break the NC and I don't want that. Any advice?

[LDRohnos]

Let it go. What happened happened. Of course if we all had time machines we'd go back in time and erase all the mistakes we made. It's unfortunate but for a relationship to thrive it not only requires the right people but the right timing as well.

 

I know you want closure, something that will tie all the ends together very neatly but it rarely, rarely works out that way. There's always frayed edges and little things that could have been done differently.

[bdbmwer]

my advice is to simply NOT do it. the way you have to look at it that helped me get over this same exact feeling is that really there is NO POINT in wondering what you could of done differently because the past is the past and cant be changed. lets break this down lets say somehow you miraculously pinpoint the main cause of the breakup and it was her ex. what does that change? the relationship has ended . on the flip side lets say you keep pondering this and never pinpoint what it was which is more likely because unless she tells you straight up , its all just speculation and 9 times out of 10 they wont be completely honest because their reasons are often selfish and make them feel guilty.

 

bottom line its over and the only thing you should be worrying about is improving yourself and moving on. who knows maybe by doing this youll get your chance to talk with her and maybe some answers will come of it. but i assure you without dropping it and moving on you wont be in any position to have a stable talk that is truly positive and constructive

[veneratio]

You take all those what ifs and suspicions, place them in a box, tie an anchor to that box and drop it so that it lands in the deepest depths of the ocean and only aquaman can access it.

 

Seriously, though. Whenever you have those thoughts, you do whatever it takes to distract your mind from them. If you need to watch tv, go hang out with friends, go to the gym..whatever..just do that. They occur less and less once you're able to distract yourself. But don't contact her. Even if she was completely honest with you, your mind is still going to wander. It's just human nature. Us trying to make sense of everything, but sometimes we just can't and you have to try your best to let it go and come to terms with the decision.

[BBwho]

bdbmwer - good stuff.

 

and Fela Kuti - do not contact !!!

[Lithp]

Do not contact her. It'll accomplish nothing and more than likely, though you think you want to know, knowing will probably make you feel worse. You will always have something to overanalyse or overthink - getting answers will lead to more questions and there comes a point where you just need to stop. There isn't much to do about it now, is there? Like others have said, just stick with the No Contact and keep moving forward.

[Mellie]

If ifs and buts were candy and nuts we'd all have a Merry Christmas.

 

Ain't that the truth.

 

Do not contact her. Do not ask her this stuff. It will (a) make you look weak; (b) more importantly, make you feel weak; © put her on a downer - ergo, every time she thinks of you there will be a negative association; © not achieve anything whatsoever. You won't get the answers you're looking for. Sometimes people make no sense - they don't even make sense to themselves.

 

Whether you want reconciliation or you don't, it's the same course of action in both cases. You need to get over her. Take her down off that pedestal. You need to get strong and independent. Weak and needy just isn't attractive to her, and it won't help you feel good about yourself. Contacting her now and asking all this stuff is just about the worst thing you could do, in my opinion. It screams of desperation. You don't want to be an obligation, you want to be a prize. Drop off the radar for a while. You can't make someone want to come back to you, but you can make them not want to come back. Pestering her to explain herself again - that's got to be way up there at the top of the list of sure fire ways to reaffirm she made the right choice in leaving.

[Alex1000001]

In many cases its just not meant to be when it ends. If it wasn't one specific incident it would of been something else. Thats how it works when its not meant to be.

 

When I honestly evaluate my past relationships thats what I have come up with, I have ended most of them, but when ive been on the receiving end, while at the time it was shattering and I would of given anything to be with them, from this distance I see things weren't what I thought at the time.

 

I was going to meet up with my ex a week and a half ago, we hadn't seen each other since the breakup and I thought it would be a good idea to have an honest chat. I ended up pulling the pin before hand as I couldn't see what would be achieved by it. We ended up sending each other a few texts where were honest and agreed about a few things and left it at that. I have not contacted in any shape or form since then. Basically we both need to move on with our lives.

 

As Lithp says, you may think you want to know everything about the breakup, but once its gone there isn't really much which can be gained. It could make you feel worse than you already do, and potentially put back the healing process.