Things seem to be changing

[OceanEyes]

Are there people here who have been in a relationship for over a year and are living with your boyfriend/ girlfriend? I'd really love some insight on why I may be thinking/ feeling the way I have lately from others who might be in the same situation, or have been at some point of their lives.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for about 15 months (he's 23 - I'm 24). We've always argued. But lately, we never seem to. Things have just seemed so calm - almost eerily calm for us - that I'm starting to think that we've either reached a more mature stage of our relationship, or that we're both outgrowing it and are too scared to say anything.

 

Since May, he's been a very busy guy, usually going straight all day from 6:30am to sometimes 9 or 10 at night (work and school). He's always apologizing for his lack of energy, and the few times that he has had the whole day off, he always wants to plan something special for us to do.

 

Lately I've been feeling like things are changing between us. Our connection or something. Sometimes it feels like he pulls away or resists affection from me, he's rarely initiating sex anymore, and when I do, there is usually some excuse why he doesn't feel like it.

 

I also feel like I am less enthusiastic to see him, even when our schedules have been conflicting and we have less than an hour together in a day. We barely ever talk anymore (which was one of the reasons I fell in love with him in the first place), and lately whenever I talk, it feels as if he's either not listening, or his mind is somewhere else.

 

I've asked him if he thinks everything is okay, and he always says, "yes, of course, I'm sorry that I am tired all the time, I don't want you to feel distant, etc.". He's always very apologetic and assures me that he doesn't feel the distance growing at all. I've expressed to him that I've been feeling like there is a bit of distance between us lately, or that I've started feeling 'detached', and it seems like he has no idea what I'm talking about and is always looking for ways to solve the problem.

 

He's always thanking me for being so understanding while he's so busy, but lately I've found that, more and more, I'm starting to feel like I'm losing my connection with him. Even when he's around physically, it's like he's absent mentally because of school and work matters. He also seems to clam up or change the subject whenever the subject of the future comes up (we've lived with a roommate for the whole time, and I'd like to discuss the possibility of living just with him next year). I don't feel like there is any way to bring up anything serious or the future with him, since he either seems to change the subject or get defensive. He has said that "he sees a very long future with me", but that's usually as far as he takes it.

 

Anyhow, I was just wondering if other couples go through the same type of 'detachment' at some point in their relationships. Some days I don't feel detached at all. Then others, I feel like it's more difficult to remind myself that I am where I want to be.

 

Thanks in advance for any replies and advice, it's always very appreciated!

[RayKay]

Hi Ocean Eyes

 

I am sure it is very confusing for you both, as going by past posts here I know you do LOVE your boyfriend very much!

 

I am going to say that possible causes might just be that the routine of life is getting in the way, and the reason you are feeling disconnected is because you two are NOT connecting, or taking the "us" time you need to keep the relationship alive and exciting - the classic post honeymoon phase!

 

The thing is love is not just a feeling, it is also an action - sometimes you have to go through the motions to recapture the feeling. Though you are not that excited to see him, or do something with him, do it anyway, and ENJOY it, as your mind and heart usually will follow. Love can be funny that way. You often hear people say they still love, but are not IN love...well of course not, because contrary to popular belief even the truest of loves require effort and are cyclical! You get what you put into it.

 

I won't lie, I have gone through this detachment and recovered, but I have been through these detachments and the result has been a break up as well. The irony is that when you least feel like working at the relationship as a couple, is when you both MUST do it, to truly be rewarded. The thing is you are both now probably just "comfortable" around one another, but you still need to challenge one another.

 

I know his apathy at the future must be frustrating for you, but I advise you to back off and be a little more aloof about it yourself. Turn the tables around.

 

I am guessing there is something on his mind, but he might be afraid to approach you with it either as he does not want to hurt you, or argue, etc. Let him know that if something is bothering, you are there to talk without judgement, or anger. And even if it is something that hurts, tell him you do understand he is feeling that way and try and develop a solution together.

[OceanEyes]

Thanks RayKay, I appreciate the response.

 

I know his apathy at the future must be frustrating for you, but I advise you to back off and be a little more aloof about it yourself. Turn the tables around.

 

I actually don't bring up the subject. He does! He'll either joke about it or make an off-handed comment and when I say something, he seems to change the subject. I just don't get him at all at times.

 

Anybody else have some advice?

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

I recommend you read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." Some of the things you're worried about are in the book.

[OceanEyes]

Yeah I just read it a couple of months ago actually! (a great read by the way for those who haven't read it)

 

I know what you mean though, that the book deals with different 'seasons' in relationships. Perhaps I'll have another read, it never hurts to read something twice since most people miss little things in the first read.