How to inspire confidence in someone

[whes]

Hello everyone,

 

So I've got this friend. He's 29, finishing off the last semester of a diploma course that will hopefully help him get his permanent residency (he's originally from the UK) so that he can apply for the police service. He applied a few years ago, but was rejected on a few inane details, probably mostly because they had enough recruits and didn't want to hire an international at the time. So he went about trying to get his permanent residency in order to try again.

 

He feels like he's made a lot of poor life decisions, and there isn't a lot in his life that he's very happy about or that is under his control. His life is not where he ever imagined it would be, nor is it what he wants it to be. And there isn't much he can do but tough it out and wait until opportunities start opening up for him.

 

Before this semester at school, none of this bothered him so much. He's normally not so depressed about everything. It's all just gotten a little overwhelming for him. He's also upset that he doesn't have a girlfriend, yet goes out on a million dates and always finds reasons for not liking them. I strongly suspect this is connected to his confidence levels.

 

I would love to date him and I think he's interested in me too, but really isn't in a place to be in a relationship. He's too much in his own life, dealing with his own things. I also get the impression that he's a bit intimidated by me. I'm applying for the police force too and though on paper we're both ideal candidates, I've been having an easier go of it than he did. He seems to be under a lot of pressure and criticism from a lot of different people.

 

I know at the end of the day this is going to be something he has to deal with on his own, but is there something more that I can do to help him get there? Not directly, but in small ways that will boost his confidence little by little? I'd like more than anything to help him feel less like a failure.

[LDRohnos]

He's also upset that he doesn't have a girlfriend, yet goes out on a million dates and always finds reasons for not liking them. I strongly suspect this is connected to his confidence levels.

 

Definitely. Until he starts to like himself he'll either never have a girlfriend or is going to end up in a very poor relationship down the line.

 

I know at the end of the day this is going to be something he has to deal with on his own, but is there something more that I can do to help him get there? Not directly, but in small ways that will boost his confidence little by little? I'd like more than anything to help him feel less like a failure.

 

Nothing, other than just be supportive (as a friend) whenever he needs it. I would recommend not getting into a relationship with this person at this point of his life. The potential of it becoming a very, very bad relationship is very, very good. You cannot fix him, do not even try. He must do it himself, the only thing you can do is offer suggestions as a friend, that might give him some direction, but even that is sometimes too much.

 

I would steer clear of a relationship with him, especially if you go into it with the intention that you can somehow fix him or change his personality. Perhaps in the future when he gets out of his depression or gains some confidence you have the potential for a healthy relationship, not now.

[whes]

I don't have any intention of getting into a relationship with him at the moment. I've been in that situation before and have no desire to repeat it! That being said, it really isn't as bad as I'm making it out to be.

 

All I'm really wondering is how to be supportive without seeming like I'm trying to change him or fix him. And without degrading his sense of masculine pride.

[Galaxo]

What are the things he is good at? Stuff he is really really good at/knows etc...? Compliment him at times on those. If he acts like they are not big deal, make a big deal out of it for him, do not let him play it down. Get excited about and whatnot yourself. You cant make him have confidence, but you can help him gain it for himself. If your excited and happy for him about those things, your emotions will make him more excited and happy by default and make him think more highly/confidently of himself in the process until he has it on his own. Feeling awesome about one thing, helps lead to a chain reaction in other things.

[LDRohnos]

I don't have any intention of getting into a relationship with him at the moment. I've been in that situation before and have no desire to repeat it! That being said, it really isn't as bad as I'm making it out to be.

 

All I'm really wondering is how to be supportive without seeming like I'm trying to change him or fix him. And without degrading his sense of masculine pride.

 

Simple, when he asks for help or advice you give it to him. Otherwise, you let him lead his life.