Go thru with Meetup or cancel?

[toby17]

Ex and I are supposed to be getting together next week (I initiated).

 

Since we made arrangements, i've been getting more and more emotionally involved. First anger and now worry. At the time I thought I was in a good place to be able to handle the meetup regardless of how it went.

 

I've thought about why I want to cancel:

- I don't want to get sucked in again emotionally/going backwards

- I don't want the rejection

- I don't rate my chances (even tho at the time I had my reasons for thinking this was a good time to approach her).

 

Reasons not to cancel:

- regret at not trying or knowing how it would have gone

- losing the opportunity

- don't want to be seen to be cancelling for reaction

- will seem weak

- won't get another opportunity.

 

At the heart of all pros and cons is fear.

 

I've read about lots of people arranging to see their ex or seeing their ex after the ex has initiated.

 

But how many people have cancelled after making arrangements? And what has been the result?

[EgoJoe]

You initiated so unless you have a really good real (or fake) reason to cancel it won't look good. To better help you think about this I have some questions:

 

Why did you initiate, what did you say was the purpose of the meetup, how long nc, how bad was the breakup?

[Richard-]

Why did you breakup?

[HopeArises]

There is only ONE thing you are lacking and that is CONFIDENCE.....PERIOD. If you have confidence, that whole list of FEARS you have would be CRUSHED and you'd already be 90% on your way to getting her back. It's all in our mindset and you have WAY TOO MUCH SELF-DOUBT. I'm assuming that's was drove her away to begin with. If you're THE MAN, she'll once again gladly want to be your woman. FACT.

[coastalchick]

From personal experience, if you fear the meetup, don't do it. I've tried it in the past with exes thinking that I was strong enough just to be cool and not expect anything, but it never works out. Feelings brew beneath the surface and a simple yet familiar gestures will open up the floodgates. If she wants you back then great! You'll feel like Superman, but if she rejects you then you've been dumped yet again. And, the road to recovery starts back at square one. You gotta ask yourself if you can go through that again.

[toby17]

Why did you breakup?

 

I know what I think and what I've been able to make sense of. But she's the only one who really knows.

 

In the end, she loved me probably better than anyone she's been with before.

 

But when she seemed to get past the point when her relationships usually end, she started putting distance between us. Everything and everyone else was more important. I'd complain and we started pushing and pulling. We broke up, made up. Things were great for a while. Then she seemed to give up again.

 

In the end, I don't think I was what she had planned - either the person she thought she'd be with or the right time in her life. She sabotaged our relationship and then seemed to blame the conflict for leaving.

 

All she seems to want to do now is have fun and not have the burden of thinking about anyone else.

[toby17]

Why did you initiate, what did you say was the purpose of the meetup, how long nc, how bad was the breakup?

 

I initiated because it's been 6 months. There doesn't seem to be anyone else in the picture. I thought I could handle it.

 

There's been not quite NC but less than LC for about 2 months now.

 

From personal experience, if you fear the meetup, don't do it. I've tried it in the past with exes thinking that I was strong enough just to be cool and not expect anything, but it never works out. Feelings brew beneath the surface and a simple yet familiar gestures will open up the floodgates. If she wants you back then great! You'll feel like Superman, but if she rejects you then you've been dumped yet again. And, the road to recovery starts back at square one. You gotta ask yourself if you can go through that again.

 

It'll set me back. I know cause I've been down this road before. But not back to square one.

 

But if I had my confidence, and patience, it wouldn't set me back at all - I'd see it as a step in the process or be unattached to the outcome.

[toby17]

There is only ONE thing you are lacking and that is CONFIDENCE.....PERIOD. If you have confidence, that whole list of FEARS you have would be CRUSHED and you'd already be 90% on your way to getting her back. It's all in our mindset and you have WAY TOO MUCH SELF-DOUBT. I'm assuming that's was drove her away to begin with. If you're THE MAN, she'll once again gladly want to be your woman. FACT.

 

I kept worrying about her leaving. And if I hadn't, I would have acted differently in the last couple of months. So in that sense, my fears did drive her away.

 

But it's like when she left, I got smacked down. I've seen her a few times since the BU, and it's like if she doesn't just change her mind and say, okay I'll come back, I get smacked down again and give up.

 

And at some point, I stopped believing that she'd change her mind - that she'd just fight her feelings for me.

 

I seem to keep getting to a point of giving up and then something makes me arrange a meetup and then I start feeling like I have something to lose (even thought I've already lost) and, instead of feeling like I only have something to gain, I dread getting smacked down again.

[loulou37]

I met up with my ex 5 weeks ago, i wanted to have a face to face with as he had broke up with me over the phone

 

The night before the meet, i had this awful feeling in my stomach, i thought i should cancel but i never cos i had missed him so much and from the times we'd spoke on the phone i thought (stupidly) we was gonna work things out....well i should of gone with my gut feeling and not gone cos it totally effed me up bigtime, major setback, being rejected again, i wish i had just asked him outright on the phone if there was any chance of recon, it would of saved me all the heartache.

 

Then again my situation was different, i don't think i was really ready to see him, i was still too emotional and yes i did cry fatal!!

 

As you say you have not seen her in 6 months so you must be in a more stable state to see her...just don't expect anything, i know easier said than done...

 

Anyway if you go Good Luck ;-)

 

loulou x

[The Mouse]

My advice is to man up and go and meet your ex if you feel its something you might regret. Expect nothing other than her to be friendly towards you. She will still be trying to get over you so its natural while she trys to block out emotions she will seem cold and diffrent. Read my thread, ive met my ex twice this week knowing fully it wouldnt go the way i wanted it do, but i felt i had unfinnished business and wanted to put my cards on the table. My ex will definitly be respecting me more for that than respecting me for not caving to NC, i believe NC should be broken at certain points in the BU but should just as quickly be started again to suit YOURSELF. Whats your intent by meeting? your not going to be rejected if you dont ask to recon...