I messed up and I really want to fix it HELP

[Raaawr]

I posted another thread here the other day about my girlfriend wanting a break with me and there being alot of mixed signals from her and how I was confused and how a break up turned into a 1 month break into a 2 month break. Its confusing yes I know.

 

Last night I went out with my friends, we had a few drinks and watched a football match. I came home and couldnt sleep and began thinking about her. I had a revelation. I began to understand the reason we are here and its simple, I havent convinced her that I still love her like I used to, I havent made her feel loved. Its true, I havent, I stopped complimenting her, not out of a decision to be nasty but it just slipped my mind completely. I got lazy.

 

I hate myself for it now (dont get me wrong, by no means was I a jerk to her or rude or abusive but I didnt make her feel special, thats my short coming, I should have continued to make her feel like the best girl in the world but I stopped along the way, I was still nice to her, I still did things for her but I didn't make her believe she was everything to me), after 2 days of not eating and barely sleeping and crying over possibly losing her I have realised I havent lost her yet. She has to talk to me at the end of this break to let me know whats happening and thats where my chance lies. I have to show her Im willing to improve and that I can bring back everything that was good in our relationship. I can do it now, I know I can, I understand the problem for the first time. My only worry is that she denys me this chance. We are on a break to see if she is happier without me, she hasnt said I make her unhappy, that word was never used, I do make her happy, but she feels she should be happier.

 

So, how do I do it? How do I go about showing her I mean what Im saying? Do I wait for the 2 weeks to be up or do I text her tomorrow asking if I can meet her on Sunday instead? Itll cut the break in half but I need her to know I mean what I say.

 

Just to add, on writing this I have eaten, not much but I have eaten and I feel quite calm, almost at peace with a quiet determination to make this girl my number 1 again and make sure she knows it. Emotions are not running high for me.

 

I think ill make her something, I used to make her little miniature models of animals. I think if I was to make one of them she might see some of who I was and show her I am sincere.

[Raaawr]

Can't edit for some reason.

 

I was thinking maybe invite her out for a meal and apologise and explain how I plan to be better and how I won't make the same mistakes again. Ill probably need to read it out of a letter so i won't get flustered. I just really want to show her I will do everything i can to make her happy again.

[SonOfaBeeSting]

Have you not tried to talk to her and tell her what you plan to tell her when you see her yet?

[Raaawr]

Thank you for your reply.

 

No, I feel that would defeat the purpose. She text me yesterday morning to see if I was ok and I told her I realised what I had done, that I didn't make her feel loved enough. She said I pretty much nailed it. I told her I loved her and will do anything for her but she she just shut me out again and said I'll talk to you next week? And I said ok next week. Then later on she text me again to let me know about a job available that she when passing. Very nicely I told her I can't prepare for a break up if she's going to keep showing me she cares and confusing me and to stop contacting me. Not heard from her since.

 

I really feel like I need to walk in with an emotional sledgehammer that I can swing and hopefully she will see I'm very serious and give me another chance. A few of my friends reckon she just doing this as a wake up call to get me to cop on but I don't think so. I think she genuinely did want to break up. How she feels now I'm not sure but surely I need to strike while she Is still deciding? Do I text her and ask if I can see her on Sunday or give her the space until next week like she asked? Trying to test the water before hand might be easier on me but she may shut me out and not give me the chance because it's easier.

[SonOfaBeeSting]

I meant that like did you try to tell her when it first happened, the stuff you plan to tell her when you see her, as in I'll do anything to have you back and all that stuff.

 

Well I think you should just try to be patient bro and just give her space. Wait until she is ready and then when you see her just in a calm manner tell her you have identified the problem and you truly know what you have to do to make the relationship right. Let her know you realize it may take time but you know what it will take. If she asks what, then tell her what you've said on here like you realize you haven't shown her the love she deserves and what not. But only say this stuff if this is the reason you guys are meeting. If she just wants to meet to do anything but talk about that stuff then obviously dont do it. Just try to think with your head and not your emotions. Look at this as if you were giving another person advice about their relationship that is just like yours with her lol. What would you tell ur friend? Wouldn't you think that if she wanted space to figure things out then you should give it to her? Just don't break down emotionally and cry and whine and beg make sure you do not do that! Wait to see her when she wants to see you, don't try to contact her until she contacts you and don't break down emotionally. If she wants to hear what you have to say about the relationship and what you have to bring to the table then tell her like I said earlier.

[Raaawr]

She has already confirmed that as the reason in a few ways. I just didn't realise.

 

I understand what you are saying. But, surely if she is thinking about breaking up because she feels she could be happier (please note she had never said she was unhappy) and the reason she feels she could be happier is because of my already stated failings then by not going after I am only reinforcing that I don't care?

 

I get the whole make her miss you thing. But she already does. She said so yesterday.

[SonOfaBeeSting]

Ok well then if the reason for your meeting is about telling her what you have realized and what you need to do to change the way things have been and you know that's what she wants to hear then lay it on her. Just don't over-do it. Stay calm and cool and keep a level head and let her talk when she needs to and listen to her don't interrupt. If she needs to hear that you know how to make her happier than she has been without breaking up for good then do it. You can always do the no contact stuff afterwards. But still wait for her to see you when she is ready unless she wants you to be making an effort and wanting you to say screw this I can't wait I need to see you now. It's hard for me to say without knowing every little detail, just use your best judgement and don't think emotionally. Don't do something that you know isn't what she wants, like telling her you want to see her a week early or whatever.

[Raaawr]

I plan on just asking her if I could possibly see her this Sunday, it won't take long I just have a few things I want to say.

 

If she says no I'll just say no problem I'll wait til next week

 

I think she needs me to make an effort. Anytime she wanted space before I left it a few hours and then came after her. Except this time. I left her for 2 days.

 

I am calm. I've realised I don't need her but I would really like her in my life and to be in hers. I have no intention of grovelling or pleading. I will post what I plan on saying to her later on when I write it out.

[SonOfaBeeSting]

Cool deal man well if you honestly believe she needs you to reach out to her then go for it. You know her better than I do. And yea if she says she can't then say no problem at all just lemme know when you're available like you said. Sounds like ur on a pretty good track, just make her know you have it all figured out and try to be confident and if you're not then make her believe you are and not all heartbroken and miserable without her.

[Raaawr]

This week has been hard but in a strange way I dont regret it, It has helped me realise alot and because of that grow as a person. I have taken you for granted. I don't know when it started but I certainly know when it finished. This was A real wake up call for me.

 

I first would like to apologise. I want to apologise for the arguments. I want to apologise for the lack of compliments. I want to apologise for not consistently trying to make you feel special. I want to apologise for being lazy and not taking you out more. Most of all I want to Apologise for not making you feel like you mean the world to me. That seeing your Face when I wake up makes my day happier, That wiping your make up off my shirts is one the most pleasant annoyances in the world, that lying in bed with you is among the happiest feelings I've ever felt.

 

Secondly I really want you to know and understand that I can be that same boyfriend that sat on your sofa and told you he loved you for the first time. The same boyfriend who you beat at bowling every time. The same boyfriend you kissed for the first time in a bowling alley while waiting on a taxi. The boyfriend who kissed you in the rain after a long party. The same boyfriend who used to sneak out of your room at 2am on a college night so your parents wouldn't hear.

 

I want to be that boyfriend again. I understand things I didn't understand before and im sorry these last few months haven't been the best but I promise I will do absolutely everything I can to make the next months better than our first year. I can be that boyfriend again.

 

 

 

 

Please feel free to edit it if you feel its necessary, or tell me to scrap it if you think its a horrible idea

[Raaawr]

I text her if i was possible to see her on sunday.

 

She said: "I thought you didnt want to text? Im staying in (place) on sat so I dunno what time Ill be back why you wanna talk so soon"

 

I replied: "I dont but I also do. I know that makes no sense. You dont want me to text? Because Im passed the shock and my head is clearer and Ive made some decisions and I'd like to share them. Its cool if Sunday is awkward

 

She said: "Ok, sounds sudden? Glad you clearer though. Can do Sunday evening... or monday?"

 

I replied: "I dont understand what you mean by your "sudden" question. Sunday evening is ok, I can come to yours if you like. Am I to understand you dont want to text? Im not sure why you asked me originally."

 

 

She hasnt replied. Im a bit worried I may have freaked her out that Im going to dump her.

[Raaawr]

She said: "I jsut mean cause you were so confused and now sound clear within a few days. Im glad your less confused though! Yeah mine on sunday is fine"

 

I said: "You still havent answered my text question... Well it came out of nowhere. I thought about it, talked about it, processed it and made some choices and came up with something. How are you feeling?"

 

She said: "Ok Sorry, I thought you were really against texting so I was surprised with the change of opinion. I dont mind texting, I missed texting you."

 

I said: "Really? But I thought you didnt want anything from me?"

 

 

MY HEAD WOW WHAT I DONT EVEN KNOW

[SonOfaBeeSting]

Just don't look into every little thing she says too hard or think negative. She sounds like she misses texting you and just talking with you everyday. If you text her then just talk about normal things and don't sound worried over something small she says like what you've already mentioned, that will let her know you've cleared your head. That stuff you wrote that you are going to tell her sunday sounds good if that's what she wants to hear. Make sure it is, and when you tell her you gotta make her believe it. I feel like everything is going to be fine dude, and if worst comes to worst and she says she doesn't believe you or want to try again all you can do is say ok I tried and I told you the honest truth. And just give her more space and not say a word to her until she talks to you, but then don't let her know you're all torn to pieces still when she does talk to you if you still are. But that won't happen lol, when you see her sunday you'll get her back!

[Raaawr]

We been texting pretty much non stop since 3 or 4 til about 8pm, when the conversation just naturally died out, so Im keeping quiet, if she texts me Ill reply, if not Ill say goodnight when Im going to bed. I kept everything light and we just chatted. I am a bit concerned she may think Im trying to be a friend but I dont know. I never mentioned what happened the last time we spoke, she did a few times, but I tried not to pry so we ended up sort of dancing around it talking about other things but every now and then it would pop up again in some way. I also offered an opportunity to cancel Sunday if its inconvenient but she said no, she wants to hear what I have to say.

 

Sunday will be tough, she's going to a gig that we were supposed to go to with her friend on Saturday and Im really delighted she's going. I feel a bit more hopeful but Im still ready for the worst and today and yesterday Ive learned alot and Ive actually grown up a whole lot too mentally, I see things I didnt before, Im a bit surprised at myself.

[bdbmwer]

I hate to be the bearer of bad news brother but generally a "break" is a selfish term an ex uses to cushion the blow and ease into a breakup. ESPECIALLY after 2 months..this is a breakup. regarding her having to talk to you at the end of 2 months after her extending the time period multiple times? I just dont see it happening.This is a very common thing to beat yourself up for not doing this and that but what you think you did wrong is by no means a reason to break up and im 99% sure there was more then that as our usual reaction post-breakup is just to show them how much we care but i assure you it only pushes them further away.

 

you say emotions are not running high but even I can see right through that by reading your post and im sure she could face to face. Your willingness to not accept her time boundary and want to cut it in half displays neediness. These romanticised outreaches may seem so perfect to us as dumpees but almost never go as planned.

 

Your best bet is to give her the space she desires and in fact when that time comes to contact. DONT contact her thats what shes expecting. It will make her wonder and you will be the strong independent man. trust me , thats attractive. Let her sort her feelings out and come to you but almost anything you DO at this point will not make her have a sudden epiphany

 

also relevant i only read your initial post

[Raaawr]

Sorry that should be 2 weeks. She wanted to break up, then she wanted a break for a month and then 2 weeks. Then 1 week but I said no, 2 weeks.

 

I abandoned the making something for her idea. I think that will just annoy her.

 

Thank you for your reply but it has developed a long way from the first post.

[bdbmwer]

yup read a bit further and i see that but the general point still stands. give her space as well as yourself so you can detach emotionally and look at the situation with clarity. only then will you truly begin to see what you need to and youll also be able to determine if this relationship is ACTUALLY what you need or if you just want something because you lost it.

[Raaawr]

I dont need this relationship. I dont need her in my life. I want her in my life and I want this relationship. Not because I lost it but because it used to be so great and I know it can be great again. I am clear, honestly, I know my mistakes and I know where to fix them and how to fix them and I know that I am willing to fix them.

 

She called me just there, asking about what I wanted to talk about on sunday. She hinted that Sunday was a bit too early, so again I offered to cancel it, its no problem I will happily wait another week, she declined and then went on to ask me if I expected answers. I told her no, I dont expect anything, I just want to come over, say how I feel and leave, you dont even have to speak and it wont take long. She also promised to be more concise with me (not sure why if she doesnt want to give me any answers) and then broke that promise when I asked her was she happy and she said "Yeah, not really... Im ok". So I made light of it. She then asked if I wanted her to contact me tomorrow, I simply said if you want and she decided she would call me after work and we ended the phone call after one hell of a strained awkward goodbye.

 

Soooo, this must be the most ridiculously awkward and strange break in history.

 

Doesnt seem to add up, she tells me she doesnt want to talk to me so she can see if shes happier without me and then repeatedly contacts me. Gone from no texts, to texts and now to a phone call.

[left unwanted]

wow! You sound like a good guy and if i were your gf i would like to hear what you just wrote. when you in a relationship with someone for along time you get used to being with them and you stop being romantic and its not because you have those feelings anymore but because you assume that the other person is know how you feel.

 

i believe in doing anything to safe a relationship and if animal models are going to help, sure go for it but don't forget to talk to her tell her exactly what you feel and everything you wrote or at-least some of it.

Good luck

[HopeArises]

My advice to you is to NOT focus on the PAST with her. She ended it with you. She doesn't want to go back to the past. If there is going to be anything new with you guys in the future it should start off slowly and you two should be LIGHT and easy going and keep things surface level for a while.

 

One thing in life you'll learn as you get older, is that WORDS and PROMISES (which is what you're pinning all your hopes on for when you talk with her) are MEANINGLESS. It's ACTIONS that rule the world and its ACTIONS that will make her change her mind. I don't think the reasons you've listed for why she left you are the real reasons. I think what you lack and so many men do (why they lose their women) is one thing: CONFIDENCE. You think you need to do so many things for your woman. NO, you don't. Just be a good guy. Make her feel special, but don't overdo it. You need to be confident, give emotional fulfillment and remain independent.

 

My advice to you, is approach her as friend. Don't go full force into anything. Remain cool and confident and be nice. You can throw out an apology or two and MEAN IT, but don't be asking her for another chance. Show you are okay with the breakup and act happy.. BE HAPPY. All of those things are attractive qualities and she will be drawn to it. All of this works.

[Raaawr]

left unwanted

wow! You sound like a good guy and if i were your gf i would like to hear what you just wrote. when you in a relationship with someone for along time you get used to being with them and you stop being romantic and its not because you have those feelings anymore but because you assume that the other person is know how you feel.

 

i believe in doing anything to safe a relationship and if animal models are going to help, sure go for it but don't forget to talk to her tell her exactly what you feel and everything you wrote or at-least some of it.

Good luck

 

Thank you, yes I lost the romance. Im not sure where to be honest, I think it became a game of who isnt doing what towards the end.

 

I have been advised against the model because she may take it as me just doing it because she complained about me not doing it which will only anger her. I may make one and bring it just in case but I no longer plan on giving her one.

 

My advice to you is to NOT focus on the PAST with her. She ended it with you. She doesn't want to go back to the past. If there is going to be anything new with you guys in the future it should start off slowly and you two should be LIGHT and easy going and keep things surface level for a while.

 

Im not sure, while in a way I agree with you she has already stated that we used to be great and somewhere along the way we lost it and its just been grinding along the last few months. I agree with her, while I know it takes 2 people to maintain a relationship I cannot focus on what she did or didnt do, I am responsible for my own actions and quite simply I havent been good enough and I cant walk away from this relationship without telling her this. Even if it ends at least I tried and I can walk away with closure and new lessons for the next relationship.

 

One thing in life you'll learn as you get older, is that WORDS and PROMISES (which is what you're pinning all your hopes on for when you talk with her) are MEANINGLESS. It's ACTIONS that rule the world and its ACTIONS that will make her change her mind. I don't think the reasons you've listed for why she left you are the real reasons. I think what you lack and so many men do (why they lose their women) is one thing: CONFIDENCE. You think you need to do so many things for your woman. NO, you don't. Just be a good guy. Make her feel special, but don't overdo it. You need to be confident, give emotional fulfillment and remain independent.

 

I did things for her, but I did the wrong things, I should have been doing more of the little stuff, more of the compliments and just more of the affection. I dont think I have to give her the world on a plate but in the last few months I failed at the basics. All I can offer her now is an apology, tell her I want to make it better and then leave her until she has made up her mind.

 

My advice to you, is approach her as friend. Don't go full force into anything. Remain cool and confident and be nice. You can throw out an apology or two and MEAN IT, but don't be asking her for another chance. Show you are okay with the breakup and act happy.. BE HAPPY. All of those things are attractive qualities and she will be drawn to it. All of this works.

 

We not really in a break up, we on a break with a view to a break up. I am happy, I wasnt before, I was confused and angry at myself but I have learned alot and grown a bit and Im proud of myself for how Im looking at it now. In a way Im glad it happened as it taught me alot and served as a wake up call, I know I wont make those mistakes again, whether thats with her or another girl down the line remains to be seen. I hope its with her but thats really her decision. Either way, If she really wants to go I will let her, I cant stop her anyway, I cannot be her friend though, I have made that clear.

 

But I will remain happy, I dont know about confident as my words tend to stumble and fumble over each other as I try to get them out, maybe this time Ill have a silver tongue who knows. But yes, happy, focused and respectful. I wont tell her I miss her or any of that stuff. Just in, say what I have to say, listen if she has anything to say and go home and wait for her to contact me.

 

Thank you for your replys

[Raaawr]

Think I may cancel Sunday. It doesnt feel right. The phone call and the promise of contacting me tomorrow (today) as well as the promise of her being more clear and Ive heard nothing from her today. I dont know if she is testing me or if shes just not bothered but I dont feel as confident as I did now.

[Raaawr]

Last night she tried playing mind games with me. Little things, like when she realised I was going out tomorrow she changed her plans to give ample opportunity she might meet someone since I told her I was going to a nightclub with my friends, I was just being honest. I didnt confront her or anything and let them slide but it brought back memories of all the things she has done to me in the past and accepted minimal responsibility for and now Im left wondering if Im really on the right course of action here.

 

Im guessing she did it because when she called me on Thursday she felt she had lost some of the power. Which worries me because that would imply she is only doing this to get me to chase her / shape up in the relationship. Which is fine but if its all coming from my end it seems like theres not much point. But now Im worrying about her actions which I told myself I wouldnt do anymore and just focus on being the best I can be so thats what I need to get back to. But she has sort of driven me away with her actions last night.

 

Today I must also travel 2 hours out of my way to bring her concert tickets that I bought for her. I dont have it in me to be spiteful and hold onto them or go myself as I really do want to go. I sort of feel like a giant idiot for doing it. I know its the right thing to do but I sure feel stupid.

[winniethepooh]

Ok, continuing from your original story here ...

 

 

 

Last night I went out with my friends, we had a few drinks and watched a football match. I came home and couldnt sleep and began thinking about her. I had a revelation. I began to understand the reason we are here and its simple, I havent convinced her that I still love her like I used to, I havent made her feel loved. Its true, I havent, I stopped complimenting her, not out of a decision to be nasty but it just slipped my mind completely. I got lazy.

Drinking helps us to find revelations but wait until you're sober to see if they still make sense.

 

I hate myself for it now (dont get me wrong, by no means was I a jerk to her or rude or abusive but I didnt make her feel special, thats my short coming, I should have continued to make her feel like the best girl in the world but I stopped along the way, I was still nice to her, I still did things for her but I didn't make her believe she was everything to me),

Erm, actually the way I read your first topic, you did.

 

after 2 days of not eating and barely sleeping and crying over possibly losing her I have realised I havent lost her yet. She has to talk to me at the end of this break to let me know whats happening and thats where my chance lies. I have to show her Im willing to improve and that I can bring back everything that was good in our relationship. I can do it now, I know I can, I understand the problem for the first time. My only worry is that she denys me this chance. We are on a break to see if she is happier without me, she hasnt said I make her unhappy, that word was never used, I do make her happy, but she feels she should be happier.

You're kind of in denial and bargaining - searching for ways to get her back, clutching on to things about yourself that you think you can change and it will make a difference. It's a normal part of the emotional turmoil after breaking up (ok, you're taking a break, but that usually or often means a break-up).

 

So, how do I do it? How do I go about showing her I mean what Im saying? Do I wait for the 2 weeks to be up or do I text her tomorrow asking if I can meet her on Sunday instead? Itll cut the break in half but I need her to know I mean what I say.

No, you don't necessarily mean what you say at the moment, so hold on for a bit.

 

Just to add, on writing this I have eaten, not much but I have eaten and I feel quite calm, almost at peace with a quiet determination to make this girl my number 1 again and make sure she knows it. Emotions are not running high for me.

Maybe not right this moment, but they are all over the place, so there will be times you feel calm.

 

I think ill make her something, I used to make her little miniature models of animals. I think if I was to make one of them she might see some of who I was and show her I am sincere.

Stop with this. From everything you wrote before, you've done enough for her.

 

She text me yesterday morning to see if I was ok and I told her I realised what I had done, that I didn't make her feel loved enough. She said I pretty much nailed it.

That might be encouraging but I have some apprehensions ...

 

I told her I loved her and will do anything for her but she she just shut me out again and said I'll talk to you next week?

... Hmmmm, doormat

 

And I said ok next week. Then later on she text me again to let me know about a job available that she when passing. Very nicely I told her I can't prepare for a break up if she's going to keep showing me she cares and confusing me and to stop contacting me. Not heard from her since.

Everything is getting wobbly but what you said is true enough.

 

I really feel like I need to walk in with an emotional sledgehammer that I can swing and hopefully she will see I'm very serious and give me another chance.

Really? Sounds far too dramatic.

 

A few of my friends reckon she just doing this as a wake up call to get me to cop on but I don't think so.

Ok, if she is, then something's not right. I've misunderstood your first topic (about how much you did for her), or you've left a lot out, or she's playing games with you.

 

I think she genuinely did want to break up.

Maybe not, but she does feel forced into making a decision - probably mostly because of her own conflict between what she thought a relationship was (fairy tale), and what it really is as it turns out (hard work).

 

How she feels now I'm not sure but surely I need to strike while she Is still deciding? Do I text her and ask if I can see her on Sunday or give her the space until next week like she asked? Trying to test the water before hand might be easier on me but she may shut me out and not give me the chance because it's easier.

If you've told her to stop contacting you and you're preparing for a break-up, then she might not contact you anymore. So it will be up to you to contact her. But be careful how you do that.

 

But, surely if she is thinking about breaking up because she feels she could be happier (please note she had never said she was unhappy) and the reason she feels she could be happier is because of my already stated failings then by not going after I am only reinforcing that I don't care?

I still think this is less about you and more about her own ideas about relationships. Or worse, she's a princess and expects to be doted on by men. Either way, you're probably going to have to leave her alone for your own sake.

 

I first would like to apologise. I want to apologise for the arguments. I want to apologise for the lack of compliments. I want to apologise for not consistently trying to make you feel special. I want to apologise for being lazy and not taking you out more. Most of all I want to Apologise for not making you feel like you mean the world to me. That seeing your Face when I wake up makes my day happier, That wiping your make up off my shirts is one the most pleasant annoyances in the world, that lying in bed with you is among the happiest feelings I've ever felt.

 

Secondly I really want you to know and understand that I can be that same boyfriend that sat on your sofa and told you he loved you for the first time. The same boyfriend who you beat at bowling every time. The same boyfriend you kissed for the first time in a bowling alley while waiting on a taxi. The boyfriend who kissed you in the rain after a long party. The same boyfriend who used to sneak out of your room at 2am on a college night so your parents wouldn't hear.

 

I want to be that boyfriend again. I understand things I didn't understand before and im sorry these last few months haven't been the best but I promise I will do absolutely everything I can to make the next months better than our first year. I can be that boyfriend again.

Doormat. Don't send this.

 

And then more text messages and stuff. My head was spinning after reading it all, I bet both your heads are in orbit.

 

Soooo, this must be the most ridiculously awkward and strange break in history.

Well, maybe not yet, but it's getting there .

 

Doesnt seem to add up, she tells me she doesnt want to talk to me so she can see if shes happier without me and then repeatedly contacts me. Gone from no texts, to texts and now to a phone call.

She's confused. Or she's going to dump you but is trying to find a way to do that without hurting your feelings.

 

Today I must also travel 2 hours out of my way to bring her concert tickets that I bought for her. I dont have it in me to be spiteful and hold onto them or go myself as I really do want to go. I sort of feel like a giant idiot for doing it. I know its the right thing to do but I sure feel stupid.

If you've committed yourself to doing that, then I suppose you should. But if there's any way you can get out of this respectfully, I think you should.

 

Ok, my conclusions so far are:

 

You're not on a proper break if you're still communicating. Generally, a break leads to a break-up. There is a book that's been mentioned on here which details how to have a break properly (I think no communication, no dating or chasing other people, a month long) but I don't know that that's going to help you.

 

You and her have a major disconnect on how you view relationships. You think they require effort, she thinks they don't. The only way it's going to work is for you to be a complete doormat, and she will dump you anyway, probably when someone more appealing in some way comes along and sweeps her off her feet. I can't think of an easy way for her to change her point of view. That change usually comes for most people through painful experience.

 

So what can you do from here?

 

You could try sending her a message (email or letter, not text message) to say something like: You've been thinking about how and why things have gone downhill in the last couple of months. You're sorry if you have neglected her and would like to talk about ways you and her can better show your appreciation for each other if this relationship is going to continue. You'd also like to know her thoughts about how and why the relationship has gone downhill the past couple of months. At the moment, this text messaging while on a break seems to be adding to the confusion, so you are suggesting that you and her stop all communication for a few days or a week so that both of you can think about what you want, and how to make it better if you both want to continue.

 

Don't tell her you want to continue the relationship, I think you've been clear enough already about that.

 

Your objective is to try and find a way to draw her around to the line of thinking that both of you have to put in a bit of work to make the relationship work. Unfortunately I think that's going to be very difficult to do but that's kind of what I'm trying to get at with my suggestion. Her response might give you some idea of whether that's at all possible or not.

 

Wait for a bit if you consider sending something like that. I hope other people will weigh in with some comments.

 

To be honest, I think you might be better off in the long run if you let her walk now (some of your comments make it sound like you are rather ambivalent about whether or not to continue). I fear if you reconnect now, however it happens, she's only going to walk again sooner or later. Beliefs like hers don't change that quickly.

 

Good luck whatever you do

[Raaawr]

Ok, my conclusions so far are:

 

You're not on a proper break if you're still communicating. Generally, a break leads to a break-up. There is a book that's been mentioned on here which details how to have a break properly (I think no communication, no dating or chasing other people, a month long) but I don't know that that's going to help you.

 

No we not, and thats confusing me. Especially the phone call last night. But surely thats a good sign since shes the one chasing me for communication?

 

You and her have a major disconnect on how you view relationships. You think they require effort, she thinks they don't. The only way it's going to work is for you to be a complete doormat, and she will dump you anyway, probably when someone more appealing in some way comes along and sweeps her off her feet. I can't think of an easy way for her to change her point of view. That change usually comes for most people through painful experience.

 

Yes, that bothers me alot but I do wonder if I havent been putting in as much effort as she did. Its hard to tell. She did alot of little things for me so I really dont know and its not a risk Im willing to take. I am prepared for my words to fall flat but I feel I have to try,

 

So what can you do from here?

 

You could try sending her a message (email or letter, not text message) to say something like: You've been thinking about how and why things have gone downhill in the last couple of months. You're sorry if you have neglected her and would like to talk about ways you and her can better show your appreciation for each other if this relationship is going to continue. You'd also like to know her thoughts about how and why the relationship has gone downhill the past couple of months. At the moment, this text messaging while on a break seems to be adding to the confusion, so you are suggesting that you and her stop all communication for a few days or a week so that both of you can think about what you want, and how to make it better if you both want to continue.

 

I need to see her face to face when I say these things, if I write them down she may take them the wrong way or something, I need to see her facial expressions and her reactions. I can read her face to face but otherwise Im shooting in the dark. I need to do that for me, not the relationship. But what you said is what I have changed my mind into saying, instead of all that apology stuff. Your doormat thing makes sense and Im glad you said it before tomorrow comes.

 

Don't tell her you want to continue the relationship, I think you've been clear enough already about that.

 

Ok

 

Your objective is to try and find a way to draw her around to the line of thinking that both of you have to put in a bit of work to make the relationship work. Unfortunately I think that's going to be very difficult to do but that's kind of what I'm trying to get at with my suggestion. Her response might give you some idea of whether that's at all possible or not.

She believes she has put in effort, I honestly cant judge if she has or not right now. She just feels that anymore is too much and what she has been doing lately is too much.

 

Wait for a bit if you consider sending something like that. I hope other people will weigh in with some comments.

 

To be honest, I think you might be better off in the long run if you let her walk now (some of your comments make it sound like you are rather ambivalent about whether or not to continue). I fear if you reconnect now, however it happens, she's only going to walk again sooner or later. Beliefs like hers don't change that quickly.

 

Im beginning to wonder that myself but for now I dont have anyway of getting out of Sunday. She knows Im going out saturday night with my friends. If I dont show up Sunday I dunno what will happen and I cant think of any logical excuse for getting out of it. So I have essentially trapped myself.

Good luck whatever you do