Casual dating break up - why does it still hurt :(

[Court99]

So 5 months ago I met this guy, he was lovely and nice and we immediately hit it off. He had recently gotten out of a 2 year relationship and I wasn't ready for a relationship. However he pursued me and I played ‘hard to get’ but after a month things settled and we both enjoyed seeing each other and taking things seriously.

 

3 months into it, I questioned if we were anything and where he wanted to be. He randomly turns around and told me that he was still hooking up and didn't want anything to serious. I was devastated. Then after this conversation he pursued me NON STOP apologising, saying he wanted me still and not to leave etc..so I stayed. Then about a month and a half later we started not talking as much, he wouldn't reply at times and I felt like I was iniciating catch ups etc…then he said one day “I hope I am not holding you back from seeing others” . He said he was working full time up until xmas and didn't want to let me down if he couldn't see me. He told me to wait till the end of the year and we can see how our feelings are. I jumped the gun and said that if he doesn't want anything more with me then we can’t keep pursuing this, its unnatural.

 

He accepted that, I got upset and we argued for the next 2 days and then nothing…he randomly texted me and now a month on we occasionally talk.

 

A month later now..i still really miss him and don't understand why I cant shake this.

 

Did he really want me to wait till xmas to see if he wants a relationship – or was that his way out/ letting me down easy?

 

Did he ever have feelings for me?

 

What should I do!

[chrissaunts]

forget the jerk! you dont wanna wait on someones whos been giving you mixed feelings. find a sure catch!

[Court99]

yeah ahh i just hate it when people pursue you and then break your heart. Not fair. I think i was just a rebound from his 2 year relationship, must of ment nothing to him.

[OrangeMoon]

Another not emotionally healthy one..sigh..

 

I feel sorry for you. Sometimes its hard letting go of the ones you want the most. But this one is clearly not ready to be in anykind of committed relationship. He wouldnt be so hot and cold, in and out, up and down..

 

Sometimes its just nice for guys to have 'a sure thing' waiting for him behind the curtains, while he is on stage getting attention from others. Sometimes you get tired of the sure thing, and when they almost leave, you snatch them back up. He is doing what is good for him..now..'what are you going to do for you?'

 

The best thing is to go detox on him and separate yourself from him completely for a good length of time. Put all your feelings in writing, how you have felt and what you have desired..and send it or keep it for yourself. Give yourself closure and close the door..

 

Maybe one day you could be right for him, but my feelings say that someone else is probably better for you and maybe even for him. But only time can tell. The balance and energy between the two of you is off.

 

Don't wait for him..choose yourself and the desires that are your prerogative

[OrangeMoon]

And it hurts because you really really wanted HIM!.. but that doesnt make him the right one for you. Your heart just got confused for whatever reasons..it happens unfortunately...it happens. Just gotta accept it instead of seeing him as the holy grail of your hearts desire..

 

I dont believe you meant nothing to him. But psychology and especially the male kind is a difficult thing. He has not succeeded in the rels before, his reaching out so fast was also a sign that he wanted to cover up his feelings. Many cope in different ways. Sometimes you can pull towards someone, but when the fear kicks in, push them away as hard as you were pulling them in in the first place..

 

There could be all kinds of reasons why he felt 'safe' to pursue you other than a 'sure vagina'. In the end only your actual experience and your feelings here and now matter. You are lonely and that is not a feeling you should have. So you know what to do..

[winniethepooh]

He had recently gotten out of a 2 year relationship

Not a good beginning.

 

and I wasn't ready for a relationship.

Why not?

 

However he pursued me and I played ‘hard to get’

Games.

 

but after a month things settled and we both enjoyed seeing each other and taking things seriously.

 

3 months into it, I questioned if we were anything and where he wanted to be.

Fair enough question.

 

He randomly turns around and told me that he was still hooking up and didn't want anything to serious.

More games?

 

I was devastated. Then after this conversation he pursued me NON STOP apologising, saying he wanted me still and not to leave etc..

More games?

 

then he said one day “I hope I am not holding you back from seeing others” .

More games? Did he mean he was hoping you wouldn't hold him back from seeing other people?

 

He said he was working full time up until xmas and didn't want to let me down if he couldn't see me. He told me to wait till the end of the year and we can see how our feelings are.

Hmmmm. Not a helpful way to work on a relationship.

 

I jumped the gun and said that if he doesn't want anything more with me then we can’t keep pursuing this, its unnatural.

Kinda forces the issue, but a fair enough comment to make.

 

He accepted that, I got upset and we argued for the next 2 days and then nothing…he randomly texted me and now a month on we occasionally talk.

Is he playing games?

 

A month later now..i still really miss him and don't understand why I cant shake this.

You're emotionally invested, however you got there. Now you're in limbo waiting, or facing that it's over and have to suffer the loss as a result.

 

Did he really want me to wait till xmas to see if he wants a relationship – or was that his way out/ letting me down easy?

Don't know.

 

Did he ever have feelings for me?

Hard to say. My best guess is he was playing you. But whether that was always his intention, or partly a result of you initially "playing hard to get," I don't know. And anyway, if he still wasn't over his previous relationship, things with you were out of whack right from the start.

 

What should I do!

Probably leave him alone and try to move on. You come accross has having been clear and honest (apart from the initial game playing), and he comes accross as at least confused (perhaps partly to do with his ex - it's likely she was still on his mind when he was with you), and possibly trying to just play you.

[superfox]

He wanted a FWB but forgot to tell you. move on x

[Court99]

Thank you for all your advice. It is very helpful. I know this is a silly question - but I don't know if i believe in closure etc but we never really spoke about it & a part of me wants to just lay out all my feelings, what i want, ask whether or not waiting till xmas is a big lie and i have a feeling he will turn around and say 'were over' but i think i need that HUGE slap in the face to help me move on. I don't know why I can't shake this, i feel lonely and upset.

 

Or would this be a mistake?

[superfox]

Thank you for all your advice. It is very helpful. I know this is a silly question - but I don't know if i believe in closure etc but we never really spoke about it & a part of me wants to just lay out all my feelings, what i want, ask whether or not waiting till xmas is a big lie and i have a feeling he will turn around and say 'were over' but i think i need that HUGE slap in the face to help me move on. I don't know why I can't shake this, i feel lonely and upset.

 

Or would this be a mistake?

No, no, no. He pursued you, it was the thrill of the chase to see if he could. Now you're effectively sitting on your heels waiting for him to call the shots as to whether it's over or not (it is). Take charge, go back to being the woman you were 5 months ago. block, block, delete and block. if he's interested then let him come crawling back and do the hard work - then turn him down.

 

Be strong again, he's so not worth it and more.

[Tanzi]

He was basically pulling away but keeping you on the back burner instead of ending things complety. He was keeping his options open. From what you have said it is evident that he wasn't dating you exclusively. He pulled you into something that never really was ... and would probably keep doing so if you allowed it. He pursues you and then pulls away from you when it suits him, ie. when there is no-one else in the dating pot. I suspect he started to date someone else when he became quiet and you stopped speaking so much then started to make excuses about being busy.

 

I don't think you have jumped the gun. If he can't give you what you want then there is little point pursuing something that will never be. His response told you everything you need to know. It hurts because you have been on an emotional rollercoaster for the last 5 months and all the hope that you undoubtedly built up has been quashed. You are bound to feel disappointed and hurt. It's quite normal. In time you will start to feel better.

[Court99]

im hopeless, i can't believe i didn't see this coming sooner.

[Tanzi]

Thank you for all your advice. It is very helpful. I know this is a silly question - but I don't know if i believe in closure etc but we never really spoke about it & a part of me wants to just lay out all my feelings, what i want, ask whether or not waiting till xmas is a big lie and i have a feeling he will turn around and say 'were over' but i think i need that HUGE slap in the face to help me move on. I don't know why I can't shake this, i feel lonely and upset.

 

Or would this be a mistake?

 

You have all the closure you need. You more or less gave him a choice when you ended it before. He knew how you felt, he knew what you wanted yet he chose NOT to pursue things. You ended things in a dignified manner. I think you may regret going back on that now. You won't find closure in contacting him again because you will then start to question whether or not you did the right thing or said it the right way. You will be prolonging matters. Closure, now, comes from within you and accepting that it is over and that the whole waiting until Xmas thing was just his way of slowing things right down without the confrontation of ending it properly, ie. he was being a coward!

[dezember]

I feel like we were dating the same guy! Only that it took me 1,5 years to realize that he was playing me all along. He used exactly the same agruments, like just being out of 2 year long relationship. Went back to his ex twice, and when they split for good went back to me, but was cheating on me and now left me for the girl he betrayed me with! He also chased me in the beginning, but started to pull away once I caved in. He would fuel my interest in him by showing me he's really into me, having all the relationship things going, but then completely withdrawing. And he always had some back-up plans of which I was informed only at break up.

 

This behaviour is really really abusive. Could be that it's a phase in his life where he just doesn't want to commit - in my case he's stuck in his mid-life crisis and probably wants to get the last of female attention after his divorce and the 2 year relatonship gone sour. Be it this way or the other, you have to detach yourself from him and just to start seeing behind his lies. This guy is a player, and you definetely need a guy who can commit and will see you as his first choice.

[Harik]

Ok I think this is a type of attraction called Ludic love - these men (mostly) are around just as long as it's fun and interesting and challenging - even though you were casually dating I think it's more difficult for women to be this way. It's in female biology to form deeper attachments - it's a chemical called oxytocin. Think of it this way - would you want a fair weather friend? Who was just around when everything rocks - not that you should be unloading your problems on people but in principle you should feel okay being real with them - that's what friendship is about and frankly if dating doesn't progress beyond superficial fun then it's just game-playing and wasn't real at all. Give yourself credit for feeling something real even for this undeserving guy and trust that someone real will come into your life to deserve your love.