A Friend Who Makes Her Friends Her Enemies

[Angel Irulan]

From my title I think you can see that this might be a bit hard to explain, but please bear with me. I have a friend whom I've had for about ten years online that I now wonder about. I am a bit afraid of this pal, because when I hear who is supposed to have done wrong, I always get this little "dump this person now before they do this to you" vibe. And these are all online friends, she hasn't met them in real life, and they have a falling out and then my friend is telling ALL of her other friends about what happened. I really don't like this scenario, particularly when there is a name attached. I don't believe it's anyone else's business. When there is any disagreement she tends to get overly angry and complains bitterly. I think that might have actually furthered any ill will or bad feeling towards her from the others, and she winds up in a fight. As her friend I sometimes get dragged into the middle of it, there are a few sites that we share and have for years.

 

I tend to be a minimalist, when it comes to conflict, I take the high road whenever possible, and think that this works well for me, as I wind up with fewer enemies and I don't have the angry vanquished enemy out there waiting to do harm to me. My friend uses another tactic: she fights and then gets everyone to agree with her and makes sure that her enemy, former friend, is on the outs with everyone. I cry at the thought that something could trigger a fight between us and she might do this to me! In real life, once I realized that someone does this to others, I would guess it's only a matter of time that they would do that to me. I'd be cutting ties all over the place!

 

What would you do in my place with this online pal?

 

Angel

[RoxyGril]

I honestly think I wouldn't want to continue a friendship with this kind of person. It seems as if she finds enjoyment in turning people against other and dragging you right into the middle of it. If you feel that anything can trigger an issue between the both of you and turn everyone against you. Then why are you still involved in a friendship with this person, who can't see the choices she makes on a daily basis effect others around her. There are far more better people to be friends with then her. Have you talked to her about how you feel though?

[Tanzi]

She obviously gets off on the drama and I personly wouldn't stay involved with her. Real life can cause enough drama so I would see little point in being drawn into arguements with people online who I I hadn't even met, or saw very little of.

[Angel Irulan]

I agree with you both that I should not continue a friendship with her, and I have mentioned casually that I believe that some things can be ignored. But that did not go over well, she defended herself and her right to speak out against these people. I am afraid she knows enough about me to hurt me, should I ever just up and leave. I find it interesting that the boards we both share I have trouble on and I have NO trouble anywhere else! Clearly I don't trust her any more. I just don't know how to up and leave someone who has a predilection for gossiping about others when she's angry, and she knows all of my life. I am like anyone else, I have things that I don't want to share with anyone. I keep hoping she'll just lose interest in me as a friend....

 

Angel

[Tanzi]

I'm not sure why you are allowing her to have such a hold over you. If you know what she is like then I am sure others to do, especially if they have been at the receiving end of all her drama at one time or another. I would just start taking a step back with the contact. If you aren't as available to her then perhaps she will lose interest. Perhaps you should avoid the boards that she uses too for a while. I know that you probably don't want to have to do that but if you really want to tone down your contact with her to the point where you can eventually cut all ties then I don't see you have much choice.

[eternalsunrise]

Yeah, I had an experience with a person like that. I could sense that a new friend of mine last year was that way; so I chose to not divulge any more of my private life to her. My course of action was to take the high road, maintain kindness/be diplomatic, but with less and less availability to her. I distanced myself right off her vision board. LOL

 

You should definitely discontinue the friendship, but very nonchalantly. She will lose interest in having you as an "ally" and lose any grasp on hijacking your life and trust when she'd decide to turn on you too (which I totally agree she would do that to you some day). You have to just very carefully distance yourself further and further from her. Whatever you do, don't address the situation at all with any mutual friends or with her. You just have a lot going on in your life and hope she's doing well. Be more and more generic with her if she tries to engage you in convo. She'll eventually forget about you as she continues to collect new "allies".

 

Don't you love your peaceful happy life without crazy people getting up in it. Whew!

[Angel Irulan]

a-little-blue:

When you say that you think others know what she is like, I'd have to say within limits, actually. The internet has made it possible for people to hide who they are in real life to a greater degree than ever before. I feel like I'm living with an albatross around my neck, that one day she will up and do something unkind to me. She says her previous friends changed, or whatever. It's not my problem. My only problem with this is me. I'm sure that's the way she thinks too.

 

eternalsunrise:

Somehow she triggered this 'if she did that to them what is she going to do to me?' response before. I don't trust her.

I don't need any more drama right now, my in real life is about all I can handle.

 

Angel