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after 5 months of torture, finally cutting it off

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i have so many mixed feelings right now. it's so hard to let go of what once felt so strong. she still has the picture of me and her in times square hanging up on her wall. the pictures i drew her and we took of us are still in the same places as before. her firefox theme is still the seal pup which i represented, and my address entry in her phone is the same. the pictures of us are still on her facebook. i know this because i've been hacking into her fb without her knowledge for the past 5 months up until last week when i forced a password reset. so far that's been the single smartest thing i think i've done to help me heal.


we swapped cars for a month so i could fix hers and so she wouldn't get ripped off at a mechanic. there was frequent contact for this entire period of time even though my strongest gut feeling told me to go NC--i just couldn't do it. i enjoy fixing cars and felt i could find the time and be a nice guy and save her some money. as work on the car progressed, i realized this project would take a lot of dedication and most of my spare time would need to be spent on it. we've been very busy and i just couldn't find time to take care of it, and everyone kept telling me i wasn't obligated to.


cue this past weekend...my friends visiting from the west coast were here and we all wanted to go to the night club where i met her. we all ended up getting wasted, and i see her at the bar kissing some dude that's nowhere near deserving of her. everyone had vacated the club and we were mingling outside when her friends ask me if i've seen her. i knew exactly where she was, so with my heart racing, i charged inside to notify her that everyone was waiting for her. she drunkenly staggered out and that's when i (stupidly) decided to tell her how i and everyone else felt about the situation. i confronted her, asking if this lifestyle is what she's been seeking all along and was simply too afraid to admit. she goes out to these nightclubs and gets smashed twice a week, even though she has to wake up for school within 3 hours. it truly saddens me that this is not the same girl i fell in love with. i told her we would need to swap cars this week and end our relationship completely because i can not be expected to be her friend. she started walking away from me and i tried to speak the rest of my mind, until her friend separated us and she began crying.


i decided today would be the best day for swapping cars. she's been sick now for a month and seemed sad in general. i still have our cat from when we lived together and don't plan on giving him back for a long time. i told her to take care of herself--BETTER care of herself and we parted ways. i immediately started gushing tears as i drove off and waved goodbye.


after the tears dried up, i immediately felt some serenity on my peaceful hour long drive home. i realized there's a bizarre paradox to life and the future--there are waves where we have complete control, and there are waves where we have absolutely zero control. learning to ride these waves is something i've been needing to learn for at least these past 5 months.

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U did the right thing.. read some of my post.. my girl chosse the single party lifestyle.. but she calls to tell me she loves and misses me... I've been NC for 3 months...


BTW.. e30 fan. BMW. I take it.. I have an e46 m3.. few yrs ago I had an e30 m3. My fav car ever..


Good luck. NC is the best way..

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